Chillin' with Lemonade!

Have you checked out my new blog?

2010-11-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

www.chillinwithlemonade.com

New blog

2010-10-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

New blog

Don't forget to go to my new blog!

www.chillinwithlemonade.com

See you there!

I've moved!!!

2010-10-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

Guess what! A certain, McSmarty showed me how to be brilliant and made me a beautiful blog! I've moved to my own domain name! I'm serious now! One of the best things I did for my healing in those first few days after HeeJun's accident was to ask Amanda B. to hook me up on a blog. It has been one of the best comforts and supports for me.

Go to http://www.chillinwithlemonade.com for the new blog and you can find out all about my birthday!

You can go to http://chillinwithlemonade.com/?page_id=243 to subscribe to email alerts when I post something new.

Father, HEAL!

2010-09-26T16:47:00.000-07:00

"When I lay my questions before God I get no answer. But rather a special sort of No answer. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, "Peace, my child, you don't understand."- C.S. Lewis

I do not understand why another friend in my life sustainers circle is hurting. I do not understand why her husband, at the age of 29, with a 2 year old and 5 week old, became so ill that he is on life support. I do not understand why things like this keep happening to this group. Should we break up? Are we bad luck for each other? NO! God knew when he put us together 7 years ago that we would need each other. Because I do understand my friend's weeping. I do understand her struggle to find a breath. I do understand the numbness and pain, not being able to sleep, not wanting to be alone, having to be reminded to eat.

I also understand true rejoicing. I know that this group will be together and support each other, bring food, spend the night, love on each other through the pain. Yet, we will also REJOICE when the babies are born after years of struggling, the parents are brought home after being displaced, the joy returns after a brother dies, the cancer is gone, a widow elopes, and BRIAN is healed! We will Hope and trust in His faithfulness. We will rejoice.

Brian- We are not accepting new members into this club. Liz is not allowed to join. Keep fighting. You are being prayed for continually. We love you all lots!

Forever - Rascal Flatts [HD][Lyrics]

2010-09-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

memory

2010-09-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

i had a memory today at church.

A few years ago, HeeJun and I were at church and during the altar call, two of our friends went up. they were struggling to get pregnant. i remember watching them praying and crying for them. my heart broke for them. HeeJun turned to me, so calmly, so confident, so faithful and said "they'll be ok". He had such a faith. He knew God would be faithful to them.

They now have two incredible, awesome, fun and adorable boys.

The motorcycle talk

2010-09-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes. The motorcycle talk. It's not fair that I hate them so much now. It's not fair that my body cringes when I see one or see a helmet or even hear one. It's not fair that tears stream down my face when I just imagine my boyfriend riding one now. Just imagining him in a helmet sends me into a wave of panic. It's not fair that just hearing about my friends riding makes me sick to my stomach. I hear it and immediately put up a wall. "Don't get close, Erica. You might get hurt. They might die". It's not fair that when I make future plans, I think
"unless we die". It's not fair that when my boyfriend says "that always reminds me of you", I say "good. if I die, you'll have something to always think of me". It's not fair that everytime I see a motorcycle I see HeeJun in the casket, his neck all swollen and makeup cracked. Dead. Dead. Dead.

I hear the arguments, "you can't live your life in fear" or "you could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die" or "at least he died happy" and I cry BULLSHIT! Motorcycles are dangerous, but also I have a valid excuse to be terrified of them. Trauma can mess you up. And I know, I know, I know HeeJun would have much rather lived, then "died happy". If we had known...if he had known...

It's not fair, but such is my life.

A post from a rider

2010-09-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

A rider who was there that day posted this on a bike forum. It's nice to hear about the smile...

"It was good to see some familiar faces again, it's been way too long.It's been over 2 years since Heejun died on a ride I organized and can honestly say a day hasn't passed that I don't think about it. It was a spectacular day in early August, not a cloud to be seen and surprisingly cool for that time of year. The trip up old 18 was fast and effortless, I could easily imagine everyone smiling in their helmets as we made our way north. In Morganton while waiting at a stoplight, Heejun put his kick stand down and adjusts the shock. I've seen him do stuff like that before and found it amusing, always adjusting and tweaking. The ride up 181 was one of the best in memory, almost no traffic with lots of knee dragging fun. Fast, but controlled, not crazy in any way. I recall the look on his face while pulling his helmet off, it was one of those smiles you couldn't suppress if your life depended on it. He said that was the best run up the mountain ever!The trip down started out as usual but oddly I didn't see Heejun in my mirror, Jay was behind me and Brian behind him. As we made our way down the mountain the pace picked up and soon we were engrossed in the task at hand. Jay and I made it all the way down before realizing we were alone and headed back up and got the grim news. When Rob told me what had happened my first reaction was disbelief, nothing seemed real. I called Kirk (another of our riding friends) to tell him what happened and asked if he could get over their house before the police show up. While nothing can prepare you for news like that, getting it from a total stranger is especially cruel. I'm glad Kirk made it there to help soften the blow.I've ridden with Heejun many times and we did a number of track days together in the 2 years I've known him. There were times when he pissed me off, and of course there were plenty of times I returned the favor He was stubborn and opinionated and in many ways a carbon copy of my personality so conversational sparks would fly occasionally. The Heejun I knew was a huge advocate of wearing proper gear but was an even bigger advocate of riding fast, and controlled with a knee firmly planted whenever possible. And THAT is why we rode together, it was just so damn much fun. Godspeed my friend... "

Memorial Ride

2010-09-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

Check out these pictures:

http://boomersdomain.us/Pages/Events/08-27-2010.htm

http://antirider.com/2010/08/third-heejun-kim-memorial-ride/

Last Saturday several incredible people went on a memorial ride to visit the accident site. I was able to go this year. The past two years, it was just too hard. This year, though, I know these people. Do you know the movie Varsity Blues? There is a moment where the crazy little brother says "these are my people". I feel that way with these guys. They have adopted me and I adore them.

My sister, Brittany, arrived at the meeting spot first. She texted me and said, "take a deep breath before you see everyone. I almost threw up". This was the first time I think that she got to see everyone in all their gear and all their bikes. It can be overwhelming. For me, it's what I know. This used to be my life.

It was actually fun to see everyone. I brought Moorea for comic relief and something to hold onto as we approached mile marker 22. At the spot, some shared memories of HeeJun. We took pictures and cleaned up the spot. The beautiful cross is still there, and I think will always be there. My little dinky red cross has seen better days. One day, I will bring a hammer up and take it down. I took the picture down this time. It was getting so tattered and faded.

I asked Doug if there was anyone on the ride that was there on That Day. I wanted to hear their stories. I find comfort in hearing how other people found out or what happened on that day. I like to hear that I wasn't the only one who got the crap kicked out of them on that day. That Day changed many people's lives forever, not just mine.

It was getting a little too emotional and hard for me to hold it together, so when everyone else went for lunch, the boyfriend and I went for a hike. Note to self: the waterfall trail is not below the mile marker 22. That trail is ridiculously hard! But a good way to focus on trying not to pass out while going up a steep slope, instead of thinking about HeeJun's tear.

Meeting the Parents

2010-09-01T14:27:00.001-07:00

A few weekends ago my boyfriend came home with me to meet the parents. I am used to intertwining HeeJun and the boyfriend into my home here, but I did not expect the emotions that came up to happen at my parents house. It was a weird feeling. It was the first time I have felt like I was cheating on HeeJun. My parents house is where HeeJun and I pretty much grew up together. I was able to acknowledge these feelings and talk about them with Thee Boyfriend.

There was a moment, though, that I was up in my old bedroom and Thee Boyfriend was downstairs. In that bedroom is a picture of me and HeeJun on our wedding day. There was a moment where I wanted to take that picture and just lie on my old bed all day and cry. It would have been so easy. To just lie there and remember and be swallowed up in my grief forever. Instead I looked at the picture of HeeJun and said out loud, "I love you. I will always love you and miss you. But you left me. I have this incredible man downstairs who I love, too. My heart is big enough. And I am strong enough to walk downstairs and embrace this life while holding onto the life I had with you, too". I had to say it and I had to push myself to take those steps downstairs.

Not easy but you gotta fight for Joy.

A World Opened

2010-08-25T18:13:00.001-07:00

One of the best things I did for myself after HeeJun passed was calling Amanda B and asking her to show me how to blog. At first, I only wrote to get my feelings out, to process my grief. Thn I starting finding other widow bloggers. Bloggers who understood the pain. Women who understood the ache. Women who got the loneliness. Who were moving forward. Reading their posts reminded me that I was not alone. I am not the only young widow out there. They reminded me that there is hope. They reminded me that sometimes it's ok to just have a goal to at least take a shower today. And if I don't reach that goal, it's ok. They reminded me it's ok to laugh. And to scream. And to sob hysterically at the butcher who just told you to have a great day.

Blogging opened a whole world to me.

Before that day

2010-08-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

I found the piece of paper where I wrote everything HeeJun and I did before that day.

"Thursday, August 7th- Watched SYTYCD. Sad that Katee wasn't the winner.
Friday, August 8th- I woke up 1st and showered. HeeJ was still sleeping. I rubbed his toes and went to work. I called him at 4:00 to tell him I was going to the library and going to pick up our Alaska pictures. Came home. He was sitting on the couch. He looked at the Alaska pictures and said they were bright. I started cooking spaghetti. He told me to come sit down when he saw that I was tired. We ate spaghetti and watched Friends. He went to play on the computer upstairs. I called him down to go for a walk. He wore his silver pants and white t-shirt with a hole in it. We walked around the block. We counted how many houses were for sale. I held his arm and commented on how soft it was. He said, "i use soap." We returned and I went to chat with neighbors. He went in to watch the Olympics. He loved the drumming and fiber optics during the opening ceremony. I fell asleep on the couch. He woke me up around 11pm and we walked upstairs to bed. He smacked my bootie as we walked up the stairs. I fell asleep immediately."

Then that day happened.

Panic

2010-08-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

Grief comes in waves. Crashing waves. I crashed yesterday. I have never felt such panic and anxiety. I couldn't make it stop. Going to the doctor tomorrow because this is getting ridiculous.

My life sustainers came over for ice cream last night. It is always so wonderful to be around them. They have no idea how much it means to me to have them around and caring.

They were there for me on that day and have surrounded themselves around me ever since. It's great to have that. I get a glimpse of what it's like to not have support when I go to work. Everyone has forgotten. Nobody even mentions it or cares. If I show even the slightest bit of "losing it" I'm seen as incapable. Not a great feeling. I could focus all my energy on that bitterness and anger towards them. Instead I will focus on those life sustainers who show such love and compassion towards me!

August 8th

2010-08-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

Two years ago on this date, at this time I was watching the Olympics with HeeJun. In a few short hours, the troopers would come knock on my door and my world, my faith, my life , my family would be shaken to the core. Everything would change.

This weekend I have been struggling with the balance between joy and sorrow. I have had lots of flashbacks of that day. Why did he shed a tear? What was he thinking? What if I had been there? What if....

I have felt this weight on my chest all weekend. Brit and I went to the beach and relaxed and got burned to a crisp. It was perfect, but I woke up early in the mornings feeling heavy and panicky. The ride back to Charlotte today, I had to take lots of deep, meditative breaths. Thank goodness, Brit offered to drive the whole way home. She's so incredible!

I wrote a whole paragraph about being grateful and all that positive mumbo jumbo, but honestly, for right now, I'm just missing him and that's ok.

I miss you and love you always.

The Sound of Weeping and Laughing

2010-08-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

"...so that the people could not distinguish between the sound of the shout of joy from the sound of the weeping of the people."- Ezra 3:13.

"On this side of the resurrection of Jesus, on this side of the final fulfillment of the promise to work it all for good (Romans 8:28-32), there will still be grief. Yet as Paul says in 1 Thes 4:13, not as those who have no hope. Our weeping will be weeping on the rock on hope.

My prayer for myself and all of you is that our weeping might be deep but not prolonged. And while it lasts, let us weep with those who weep. And when joy comes in the morning, let us rejoice with those who rejoice (Psalm 30:5, Romans 12:15)"- John Piper, Taste and See.

This devotion meant so much to me. I held on to a copy of it and read it over and over again. Why did the people weep and shout for joy? The wept because of what they lost. They shouted for joy because they knew what they had lost and how far they had come. The wept because they knew what they had lost and how far they had come. They shouted for joy because of the hope they had for the future. They wept because of the hope they had for the future. Weeping and shouting for joy. It so defines my life right now.

For example:

This is the spot where I first came home and wept. This is the spot where my mom and dad had to hold me up. This is the spot where I fell on the floor and sobbed loudly the first time I was alone in the house.

This is also the spot where my wonderful sister stands and talks to me about her day. She cooks a rocking mac and cheese. This is the spot my sister cares for me and encourages me and loves me.

This is the spot where I hug my boyfriend as he sweeps me off my feet. This is the spot where I kiss my boyfriend and weep for the hope I have after what I have lost and shout for joy for the hope I have knowing what I have lost.

Soul Widows Retreat

2010-08-02T16:42:00.001-07:00

My dear, courageous friend Elizabeth planned a retreat for her organization Soul Widows.

4 widows met and enjoyed time together talking, crying, laughing, and relaxing while Marvelous Mandy led us in discussions on grief and society & the paradox of finding joy while grieving.

Spending this time with these beautiful women who are not even a year to this grief strengthened me. and also scared me. I was able to be "that girl" who can tell them there is hope. One day you may laugh again and really laugh from your belly, so hard that you might pee your pants. I used to listen to "that girl" and call BULLSHIT. Now I am that girl. I'm the one laughing and being silly. It also scared me because I saw the pain on their faces and didn't want to go back to that pain. I knew I was going to have to share my story and that terrified me. I haven't shared the story in a while. I haven't gone back to that place and that day in a long time. I was scared those feelings of being lost would return. I would like to say I dealt with it, but honestly I pushed them away and focused on helping the newbies get through the weekend. Helping others helps me. I know I'll have to deal with it sometime soon, but not this weekend. Tonight, maybe.

It was a very intense weekend. Even eating pizza was intense.

Being there with these amazing woman was powerful. Seeing how far I have come was overwhelming.

Overwhelmed with gratitude.

How to Date a Widow

2010-07-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

(Did you know there is an ehow for this type of thing? That makes me laugh. )

Or more appropriately titled; How I learned to Date. Or How Erica Got Her Groove Back. Or God Has A Sense of Humor.

1st Guy: The sign

1. Meet a guy on an airplane on valentines day. Flirt a little.

2. Not impressed with his pictures of rocket ships and his impulse to say we are soulmates within 5 minutes of meeting.

3. Acknowledged that he was an answer to the prayers if I was ready to date.

4. High fived anyone nearby after getting off the plane! I flirted! I talked to a guy for 90 minutes without freaking out!

2nd dude:

1. Realized that I am not ready since I talked about HeeJun the whole time and might have witnessed the faster runner on earth after he dropped me off.

2. Acknowledged that this was not it, since I went home and just missed HeeJun. I missed the comfort. I cried after each date.

3rd guy: The Weather Man

1. Enjoyed the flirting.

2. Didn't about HeeJun at all. The poor guy has no clue.

3. Just talked about the weather.

4. Missed HeeJun every minute I spent with him.

5. Freaked out when God uses his humor and has us seated right next to my sister-in-law at a restaurant! Really? Really?!

The Gift

1. The Gift needs a post all his own. There are not steps for him. I'm not even sure where to begin. He lets me talk about HeeJun all I want. He says he loves how I love HeeJun and he wants to honor HeeJun by taking care of me. Who says that?

I feel like God has been preparing me for this. Preparing my heart to be ready for this. The Gift understood that my heart was guarded. He respected that. He simply gets me. He sent me flowers. He opens doors for me. I think HeeJun and him would have been great friends. HeeJun would scoff that he opens door for me, but they would have been friends. I like having my door opened for me. I deserve it!

God, again, has a sense of humor. Guess what The Gift enjoys...motorcycles. Crap! You can see why my heart was so guarded. That was number one NO WAY JOSE on the list. But God said, "Erica, you ain't got no control over this. Trust in me." The Gift understands my trauma and anxiety and panic when I see, hear or think about motorcycles. He gets the reason why I just can't deal with that. We will cross that bridge when we get there...

He loves Jesus. He had me at "Dear God". I stand amazed daily that God has brought me here. I constantly say to him "how did this happen?" Where did this smile come from?

Even a few months ago, I wrote in my journal how much I hated my life. I just wrote, " i hate my life" over and over again. It wasn't in a "kill myself" kind of way, but I just longed for this life to be over. For Heaven to come. I couldn't see joy ahead or any happy days. When you know what Heaven holds, why wouldn't you yearn for it? I liked my life okay, I just really hated that it would go on for so long. I woke up every morning and yelled FUCK while getting out of bed. I can still feel the slow crawl of dread going up my spine.

Now I see Hope. I see Joy. It doesn't all rest on this guy. I never want to be that type of girl that is only happy with a guy. But he has shown me that God does love. God does care. He cared enough to send me this gift. So there is Hope for Joy in my future.

HeeJun Kim Memorial Event

2010-07-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

For a while now I have wanted to host some kind of event in HeeJun's honor to help support Campus Outreach. Specifically, I wanted to raise money to send a student to Christmas Conference. I had the big idea, but not the planning skills. Caroleen to the rescue!! Caroleen and the "family" helped plan and organize the HeeJun Kim Memorial Event to Benefit Campus Outreach! I was amazed and overwhelmed at how many people came and donated! We raised more $1050 so far! That's incredible. HeeJun would be so excited!

There was a moment that I looked through the crowd and realized these are all the people that were at the funeral. Biker friends, neighbors, church friends, childhood friends, college friends. Together again, but this time we actually had FUN!!

Brittany and I before/ after the rain!

Everyone hanging on the patio! Caroleen looking through the scrapbook.

FirePerry grilling some burgers!

The neighbors! I adore them!!!

Ali and Daniel from Christ Community looking through the scrapbook.

Carrie and Brittany on the patio.

Brandon and April

The party lasted into the wee hours!

Best quote of the night: "You have a brightness and joy you didn't have the first time I met you or even a few months ago."

Most heard quote of the night: "It's so hot!"

Check out Caroleen's blog to see more pictures!

A big, gigantic thank you to Caroleen, Jason B and L, Fran and Perry, Chad and Brittany for organizing, planning, setting up the Pay Pal account, setting up the corn hole boards, grilling, inviting people, and making it such a fun and successful event!! I loved every minute of it!

Happy 32nd Birthday

2010-07-18T17:59:00.001-07:00

Today would have been HeeJun's 32nd birthday.

I can't remember what I did last year for his birthday. This year I see how far I have come. the healing has begun, I guess.

This year I spent it going to see Eclipse with great friends.
I spent the morning with my Sarah and her precious miracle.

I had lunch with Matt, Amanda and the adorable kiddos. They made a cake for HeeJun. My God-daughter told me I could have a piece of the purple cake.

I went to the ridiculous grave site and gave HeeJun an orange smiley face balloon.

I think he would have really liked today. He probably would have gone for a ride while I visited friends. He would have loved spending time with Matt. His sister would have made him a cake. I would have bought a balloon and three cards.

32. sigh.
I wrote last year, " wonder if someone had told you at your birthday last year that you only had 23 more days on Earth, would you have seen it as a gift to be with your Savior in 23 days?" wow! That's some deep stuff, Erica!

Tattoo

2010-07-18T17:33:00.000-07:00

HeeJun would be appalled. I got a tattoo. I have heard that getting a tattoo is something lots of grieving people do as a way to remember. I knew I wanted one right after the funeral, but I wanted to make sure it wasn't the grief talking. It wasn't.

I went Tuesday and told JB at Tattoo Bills my story. I brought a letter HeeJun wrote to me that had the words "Love never dies" written in it. He used HeeJun's handwriting. He designed it. It's the Christian symbol if the Fish with the letter Love Never Dies written in HeeJ's handwriting and his initials HJK underneath.

I love it. It didn't really hurt at all. It felt like a dog scratching me. I actually almost fell asleep and I promise I wasn't on any medication. That might be how my body copes with stress, though. During the whole process and anticipation before, I kept telling myself, "I have been through worse. Geez. I saw my husband laying in a casket. I can at least get a tattoo."

And I did!

Life Sustainer IV

2010-07-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

Family.

I remember Mom worried about me shaking on the couch on that day.

I remember waking up and crying the day after. Mom and Brittany held me while I sobbed.

I remember Dad telling me stories of a hawk and a dog while I laid in bed trying to find my footing in the world. He kept me grounded.

I remember Dad making files upon files and helping me call every stupid company to figure out my life.

I remember Dad handing his credit card to the funeral director as the man asked me "and how are you going to pay for this".

I remember driving back and forth from Raleigh to Charlotte every weekend with them.

I remember Mom helping me pick out Juneau, because I couldn't make any decisions. Best dog ever!

They helped me gather my life together. They helped me sustain my life. They let me hurt, but also allowed me to laugh and play.

They were there for me the first few months. They are here for me now. As I am starting to "heal" and become a healthier and happier daughter and sister, they are still here for me, loving me, encouraging me, supporting me. Goodness, my sister even was brave enough to come move into this mess of my life!

I love them!!!!

I love them!!

Life Sustainers Part Tres

2010-07-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

Charlotte. Ah, Charlotte. How I love my Charlotte friends.

The Married Ladies Small group that surrounded me and supported me through all of this. I've written of how incredible they are before, and I can't say it enough. They amaze me.

My work peeps. They get why I have to leave sometimes to go cry at a cemetary. They also let me laugh and distract me as much as I need.

My motorcycle gang. What, you didn't know I was in a gang? Well, not really. But some of the riders who rode with HeeJun, some that didn't even know him, but still care; they have adopted me into their family. And they are pretty fabulous. The matriarch of the family is even hosting a Memorial Event for HeeJun.

Whose drinking soda? It's me! The neighbors. Once they were just those crazy neighbors. Now they are wonderful friends.

I'm going to say it, and you may be shocked. I'm shocked that I'm about to say it. BUT I have been blessed.

Life Sustainers Part Dos

2010-06-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my friends from college.

I joined Campus Crusade in college and made some of the most sincere and loyal friends ever. I met "my person" in college.

Like the previous post, some of us lost touch because of distance or time. However, after HeeJ's accident they flooded my gates with love, support, comfort and prayers. My person called daily. They "get me" when I say I'm fine, but they know I'm really not. They came and cleaned my house for me. They came and decorated for Christmas. We chat weekly about SYTYCD and Glee. They share scripture with me. One wonder-woman does my hair and lets me be as crazy as I want with it!

it has been an amazing experience to have such a strong wall of friends surrounding me. God knew what He was doing when he placed me in Campus Crusade. He knew I would need them desperately.

Father's Day

2010-06-20T20:22:00.001-07:00

I think HeeJun's only regret would be that he never got to be a daddy.

That sucks.

Life Sustainers Part 1

2010-06-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my childhood friends.

My parents still live in the house I grew up in. The same is true for most of my childhood friends. We all grew up together. I'm still best friends with kids who were in my kindergarten class. Incredible friendships were made.

Alas, college and marriage took over. Interrupted. We drifted apart. We all became different people, found who we really were. Yet still the same.

Then tradegy. After HeeJun's accident, these ladies swept me up and carried me through those first days, months, a whole year. They called daily. Many visited. We all went to the beach for the year mark. It was like the distance and time between us never existed. They were there for me. They cried with me. Laughed with me. Told me my boobs looked fantastic. All the things great friends do.

I can not even describe what an overwhelming feeling it is to be loved by them.

To be continued: Part 2: College

Broken Pictures

2010-06-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

I remember a few weeks before HeeJ and I went to Alaska I posted a status update on Facebook that said I was "broken". I was referring to my inability to get pregnant and that I felt broken. Oh, I was so naive. I scoff at that little girl now. I had no idea what broken really meant. What it feels like to really be broken. silly little girl.

I stare at the pictures of me and HeeJun in high school and college and it's like looking at a stranger. More like a girl I heard about in stories, fairy tales. I can't relate to her. I can't recall her feelings. Sometimes I stare at her more than I stare at HeeJun. Who was that girl? So hopeful. With so many dreams.

I look at the girl in the pictures of my wedding. Pictures on vacations. Pictures to Alaska. Who is the girl? I don't recognize her.

The irony is I look at pictures of me now, and I don't recognize myself. When did I get short, dark hair? Where did that weight come from? Where did that pain behind the eyes come from? Where did that smile come from?

I wonder when the day will come that I look at a picture and say, "oh, there I am!"

The Divide

2010-06-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

Something has been weighing on my heart lately.

In college I was in a bubble. The Christian bubble. Even while married, HeeJ and I were in this bubble.

Now I'm outside that bubble a bit. Oh, don't get me wrong. I love me some JESUS! What I mean is, I have been "adopted" by some awesome friends who aren't in this bubble. What I find very sad and discouraging is that neither side really knows about the other side. They are shocked and appalled when they hear about things going on inside or outside the bubble. Get married at 23? Save yourself for marriage? Getting drunk? Living with a boyfriend? Gay? Hands in the air worshipping? Kids? beer pong? stay at home mom? Homeschool? Prayer? Single? Divorced? it freaks both sides out. Which one freaked you out?

I understand that Christians are not of the world. However, it saddens me and worries me that the divide between my friends is so great.

Don't be mistaken

2010-06-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

Please, don't mistake my tears for weakness. But most of all don't mistake my smiles for strength.

i wake up most mornings thinking of him. I think about him as I drive. I miss him at lunch. I miss him on the way home. I think about him all the time. i ache for him at night. I fall asleep looking at these pictures. I can't believe all I have is pictures. I can't believe the man in the pictures isn't on this earth. It weirds me out. Breaks my heart.

Just because I don't say it, don't be mistaken.

I think this is a common fear with widows. People just think we are ok. I know people have decided, "yep, erica's doing so much better. she's all better now". They have no idea.

I guess that's my fault for not talking about it as much. But really, if I did, it's all you would hear. And you don't want to hear that.

Wicked

2010-05-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

If you ever get a chance to see Wicked, GO! It will change the way you view life! "Toss, toss, heeheehee!"

Laughter

2010-05-31T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Because humor brings us back to earth, it helps us to use well what is left to us even when we are keenly aware of what we have lost or been denied. Only those who know how to weep can also laugh heartily."-Kathleen R. Fischer

I laugh at my parents' dogs!

I laugh as my family plays Wii!

I laugh at roller derby!

I laughed at 6 dogs in my house!

I laugh often at work. Let me give you an example. Perhaps, you need some laughter today, too.

One of the classrooms made a list of the language used in their classroom. They call it Cub-bonics, since their kids are the Cubs.

Wook! he frew the ball at me free times.

needer my brudder or my stister or my mudder brokedid or cussdid. are you insturated or do you anore me?
Let's eat wallamellon or wash tb wis ms stuperstar darmarow.

Dark before the Morning

2010-05-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

A beautiful and kind friend of mine posted this song on her blog. I haven't stopped playing it yet. It's the Hope of my heart.

SoulWidows article

2010-05-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

So proud to be part of SoulWidows and to be a friend of Elizabeth.

You may ask for my autograph later!

http://www.enquirerjournal.com/view/full_story/7470860/article-SOUL-WIDOWS?instance=main_article

Abandoned and Adopted

2010-05-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

I have been abandoned by some. Abandoned by people who should be here. People who said they would be here. HeeJun would be so disapointed.

Yet, I have been adopted by many. People who stepped up. People who I barely knew before. People who wrap their arms around me and are there. HeeJun would be so proud.

Biting my tongue

2010-05-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

Some comments I would have like to make on people's facebook status' include:

"Welcome to my world."

" Trade ya"

"Lucky Bi-otch"

"Pin a rose on your nose".

"I'd give anything to be you."

"Somebody call the Wahhhh-mbulance."

" Want some cheese with the whine?"

I could put some people in their places or make them appreciate what they have...I'll just bite my tongue for now.

2010-05-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks Supa for sharing this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tj0_sLlW_Rs&feature=related

Motherhood

2010-05-10T17:42:00.000-07:00

Today one of my old students stopped by with her new baby. She is only 16. A mess. It broke my heart. Anger, fear, sadness, jealousy all swept through me.

We use interventions at my work that deals with the effect of trauma and neglect on the developing brain as an infant/child. Check out www.childtrauma.org.

it's not freaking fair.

Boom!

2010-05-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

You're having fun, enjoying the day...and then...

BOOM!

I remember.

Ocho De Mayo Fiesta

2010-05-09T10:04:00.001-07:00

These days it's hard to find a neighborhood where everyone knows each other, takes care of each other, walks into other houses without knocking, kids running from one house to another, and everyone has fun together. People talk about growing up in that kind of neighborhood and missing that experience. Well, I live in that kind of neighborhood.

My next door neighbors and I decided to host a Block Party this weekend. It was a fun way to introduce Brittany to the neighbors and get everyone together. We were also challenged to throw a better party than the one down the street!

Moorea loves being the center of attention!

Moe's delivered- a little early, but the food was good! Delivery guy, Preston, said the party wouldn't last too long, since it was so hot. Wrong! The last neighbor didn't leave 'til 1:30am!

Pinata fun! Corn Hole!

Once thing I have learned about myself through all this grieving and loss stuff, is that I really like be around people. I like to party! I know, who am I?! HeeJun never really liked the social scene. He would have rather been at home watching a movie, or riding his motorcycle with friends. And I just liked spending time with him. But now, I'm learning that I enjoy these kinds of things. HeeJun would have hated it. I love it!

Could it stay afternoon forever?

2010-05-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

Mornings suck. Always have. But without HeeJun, they suck even worse. It takes every fiber of my being to put one foot in front of the other and get out of bed. My soul screams, "no! don't go to work. don't get up!". But I take a deep breath, hug my dogs, and drag myself out of bed.

Afternoons are much better. Work is an incredible distraction. I smile. I laugh. I ENJOY. Sometimes, it gets overwhelming because I think people have forgotten that I am still hurting. I even got a "when are you going to stop playing to widow card" comment. Insert downward spiral into panic attack here. But most afternoons are bearable.

My sister moved in with me. It's so great having someone in the house to watch tv with, and to talk to, and to go hiking with, and play together. i was so lonely. it's been wonderful. We have 4 dogs, a cat and a lizard in the house now. One massive dog fight so far. I am sure more are to come. Juneau is obsessed with the cat, so we called Bark Busters to come help.

I joined a dating website. I know. On Valentines Day this year, I was praying hard about " am i ready". I'm so lonely and just miss companionship and flirting. Oh, sweet flirting. On the flight back from Alabama on V-Day, it was just me and this one guy in the security line. I smiled. He smiled. He was in my waiting area. Came over and started a conversation. He sat next to me on the plane. Asked me to walk him to his next flight. I walked away wanting to give someone a huge HIGH FIVE. I did it! I carried a 2 hour long conversation with a guy! I flirted a bit! I did it! I can do this! If the guy wasn't such a weirdo (he said we were soulmates within 5 minutes and talked about his rocket ship pretty much the whole time) it would have been a great story, right?

So, i took that day as an answer that Yes, I am ready for this. Putting myself out there has brought up so many emotions related to my grief. I was/am so mad that i have to do this. So mad that I am lonely. I mean, I had it. I had the companionship and the love right there. i thought i was done with this. That anger comes out as confidence on dates and talking to guys, so I guess that's a plus. But the loneliness and missing HeeJun is only intensified now.

Nights are the worst. The worst of the worst. I dread going to bed. My mind starts replaying that day, replays the feelings I have now, starts missing him, aches and hurts. I still gasp when I realize this is real. That he isn't coming back. 20 months, and my brain still hasn't wrapped my mind around it. Then I try to push that gasp aside. I don't have the energy to deal with that emotion yet. I don't have the time. I have to get to sleep. Or I have to get to work. Or I have to keep talking to friends. So, I acknowldge the "gasp". Yes, it still hurts like crazy and takes my breath away that he is gone. Acknowledge and keep going until later.

If only it could stay afternoon forever.

7 year itch

2010-05-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

Shoulda, woulda, coulda been 7 years...

May 3rd, 2003

Dreams

2010-04-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

I have been having the same nightmare for the past 2 weeks or so. Remember I am a crazy sleeper; sleep walk, sleep talk, take showers in my sleep...crazy.

This dream haunts me and it takes me about an hour to actually realize it was only a dream after I wake up. My brain just won't let me wrap my mind around it.

In this dream, I have either buried someone or hid them. Apparently I did it after the funeral and suddenly I am remembering I did it 20 months later. I can never remember who I hid and where I hid them. It's either a child or a friend, but my mind won't let me remember. I just know I put them somewhere and forgot. In the dream I blame my grief for being so forgetful and am also kind of scared to go find this person because I think they must be dead by now, since I have left them for so long. In one dream, the person came back while I was sleeping and was all skeletal. I was crying in my sleep, saying "thank God you found me", but was also scared.

After I wake up it takes me so long to realize it was a dream. I really think I have forgotten someone and left them somewhere. My body is usually shaking and I'm near tears.

What does it mean? What have I forgotten?

SoulWidows

2010-04-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

Check out the website created by a very dear friend of mine.

http://www.soulwidows.org/

Check out the retreat in August. It will be incredible.

I know I haven't posted in a while. I have had some...boundary issues. I still read every one elses' blogs and find great comfort in reading and hearing from my widow blog friends. There are so many feelings I have had these past couple of months and many times I want to write them down here, but I am still wrestling with not wanting people to know how I am feeling. If one more person asks me if I'm going to kill myself, I'll scream!

So, maybe you will hear from me soon, maybe only through other blog posts. Either way, check out www.soulwidows.org and be comforted.

I still miss you.

2010-03-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

I still miss him.

Found this song through another blog. I dare you not to cry...

My Montage 3/20/10 at OneTrueMedia.com

2010-03-21T15:18:00.001-07:00

'Cause I have friends here that love me!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

How did I get here?

2010-03-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

Have you arrived somewhere and thought, "how did I get here?" Have you ever blanked out while driving? Zoned out?
That's where I am now.

Someone gave me a letter I wrote a couple months back. I don't remember writing it. I looked at some assessments I wrote at work. Don't recall putting my name on those. I looked at blogs I posted. Don't know who that girl was writing that.

Uh oh. what if I don't remember this? How long will this zoned out thing last?

If We Ever Meet Again

2010-03-10T17:39:00.001-08:00

I added a new song to my playlist. If We Ever Meet Again by Timbaland. I know, I'm so gangsta.

Isn't it interesting that even the coolest songs about hooking up at a club, can remind me of grief?

Colorado Visit

2010-03-08T13:35:00.000-08:00

Gorgeous Colorado-ness.

No, I'm not pregnant. Just carrying alot in my pockets.

My dear friend Sarah. Our families have lived next door to each other since I was 5 years old. She taught me how to walk to school in kindergarten. Our kindergarten teacher told all the other teachers to keep us and our friends separated the rest of elementary school because we were a "social class". We got in trouble in 6th grade for passing notes. I can't read lips so she had to pretend to have to throw something away and pass me a note while walking to the trash can. She went to a dance freshman year with HeeJun. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding.

She and her awesome hubby live in Colorado now with a precious new miracle. I got to go visit her this weekend and cuddle her little baby!

I also had the incredible chance to visit two friends from my mission trip days. We all went on a summer mission trip to Saratov, Russia years ago. It was so heartwarming and comforting to sit with them; laughter and tears!

I have amazing friends. there is not "elephant in the room" when they are around. They let me talk about HeeJun all I want. They understand my inappropriate responses or my tears at weird times. they allow me the chance to laugh and to be joyful. The blanket of grief was still there on the trip. However, it was a cool sheet there to bring me comfort, rather than a heavy blanket weighing me down.

Widows can have fun, too.

2010-02-28T16:58:00.000-08:00

Sleeping in Alabama. Yes, I am wearing red and white striped socks.

Valentine's Dinner at Rosies. Yep, that's an alcoholic beverage. And yep, I drank it.

Sydney

Kimba

Nutmeg

Sushi!

John Mark McMillan and Shane & Shane

Black Eyed Peas- Even widows can rock!

These are my people. How much I love these ladies is a post for another day...

Challenge

2010-02-21T15:53:00.000-08:00

Driving home from work every day, I pass a church that put up on their sign "God's plan for your life is better than your plan."

Oh really?

At first I scoffed and thought "yeah right". My plan was to be HeeJ's wife forever, to glorify Christ in our marriage. My plan was to have two kids, to put the little girl's hair up in a cute pony tail on the top of her head. To watch HeeJun teach his son to play baseball. To teach them about Christ. My plan was to stay at home and maybe work at the YMCA. My plan was to grow old with HJK.

This doesn't seem better. Freaking out in Walmart because I see families. Feeling like I can't breathe. the ache of loneliness. the constant replay of that day in my head. not having HJK here. Not better.

One day as I drove by that sign I asked, "really, Lord? Is your plan better? Right now, mine seems waaaaaay better."

He answered, " I know. I'm hurting with you. I know you can't see on my side of this, but I'm going to be there with you every step. I will give you breath when you can't breathe. I will lift that weight off your chest. I will give you strength."

I asked, "Lord, is this it for my life. is this all there is? And if it is, how do I find contentment and satisfaction in that? HJK's favorite quote was God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him- Piper. How will I ever be satisfied? how do I find that now?

He answered, "you will. keep fighting."

Then I felt a challenge coming on. "Ok God. Bring it on ."

Please, bring it on.... 'cause this part sucks.

Stuck in my head

2010-02-18T18:41:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciW8r-5kCDY

airport humor

2010-02-11T08:14:00.000-08:00

I'm at the airport, heading to visit my sister.

In the security line, a man was complaining about the chaos and the wait. He said, "but we'll survive". Without thinking, I said, "famous last words". Oops. Widow and death humor is not so funny at the airport.

18 months

2010-02-10T19:28:00.000-08:00

Of course on the 18 month mark, I'm watching tv and see videos and pictures from the 2008 Beijing Olympics. The commercials are trying to get everyone excited about the 2010 Olympics. The last thing HeeJ and I did was watch the opening ceremonies together. I remember a friend coming over that day who "got it" and as the Olympics were on to try to distract us, he told me I would never be able to watch the Olympics the same again. I would always think of HeeJ and that day when I saw pictures, reminders.

My friend was right.

Swimming and Praying

2010-02-10T18:40:00.000-08:00

I have started swimming laps again. I forgot how much I loved it. I only really became interested in swimming after HeeJun and I were married. I needed my lifeguard certification to get a job.

The book I am reading now, Sacred Echoes, focuses on praying for others. I started swimming each lap in cadence to my prayers. I pray for one person all the way down the pool.

Bo-(stroke) Mi (stroke)

Brit (stroke) tany (stroke)

Ni (stroke) cole (stroke)

Eli Zabeth

Sar...ah

No...ni

su...san

Ama...nda

Ma...att

Caed...mon

Savan...nah

U...ma

A...pa

Ma...om

D....ad

Gramps

a...my

Cor...a

Beth

Ja..cob

Liz...Sass

After I finish one lap, I remember some one else I want to lift up in prayer. Down the pool I go for another prayer lap. Praying has been good for my health! Maybe it will help me lose this 20 pounds of grief weight!

Music in my Head

2010-02-03T16:34:00.000-08:00

Save a Place for Me

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes'
Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
Save a place for meSave a place for meI'll be there soonI'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Wait For Me
You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
No one else knows the feeling inside

Widow in the Snow

2010-01-31T11:03:00.000-08:00

Snow pretty much sucks. As a widow, I hate it. It reminds me that I am alone. I don't have HeeJun anymore to make the decision if it's okay to drive. I don't have him anymore to go pick up the much needed White Chocolate Mocha. I don't have him anymore to cuddle up on the couch and watch movies with on snow days.

I felt really trapped and lonely yesterday. I didn't want to venture out.

I didn't want to, but I did. I took the dogs for a walk. I watched the neighborhood kids sled down the hill.

Just that one step out the door, gave me a boost in self confidence and a push out of the self pity party and into the ROCK BAND party. I have to admit, if you want to get out of a funk, play a little Rock Band with my incredible neighbors!

I even ventured out today to get a Mocha all by myself. I threw my hand in the arm and performed a little fist pumping action once I got to the Starbucks!

May I tirade?

2010-01-27T17:58:00.000-08:00

May I vent for a moment?

My husband worked for the bank. I have done everything I thought needed to be done to inform the bank what happened. So why do I keep getting his atm card and statements addressed to him?

Why do I still get life insurance advertisements addressed to him? For irony?

And to add insult to aching hurt, did the IRS have to address their tax statement to HeeJun Kim, DEC'D?

This is a joke

2010-01-25T18:59:00.000-08:00

HeeJun was never a practical joker. Although, he did love giving silly gag gifts at Christmas. But never a joker.

So, I wonder why when the troopers told me HeeJun had been in an accident and it was bad, I kept saying "this is a joke." Kept screaming, "you're joking". I'm not one who usually thinks things are jokes. I wonder where that came from. Shock. Not being able to process it. Shock is a weird thing. I remember shaking uncontrollably and not being able to stand.

This came to my mind today for two reasons. I was reminded of the words we say during shock from a bereaved mother's blog. Her screams of NO reminded me of my screams, prayers that it was all a joke. I found the little pink slip of paper the troopers used to identify my house and to remember what to tell me.

Burke Co.

Trooper Wakefield

Asian Male

Wife Erica

Taken to Grace Hospital

Completed

2010-01-24T15:17:00.000-08:00

I have finished several things in the past week.

The scrapbook is completed.

The journal of all the memories I have of HeeJun is on the last page and last memory.

I "graduated" from my counseling sessions.

Moorea is going to graduate from puppy class this week.

I can't describe what I have been feeling lately. If someone asks me how I am doing, or what i have been up to, I honestly can't recall. I can only tell you what I am feeling right then, at that very moment. Unless I am reminded of something, "oh yeah, that's right, I did go to a concert; oh yeah, that's right, i did meet up with friends; oh yeah,I did get teary-eyed at that party...", i have a hard time remembering. It's not memory loss. I think I'm just taking the saying "one moment at a time" very literally.

So, if you catch me in those moments where I am laughing and enjoying work,

Keep Holding On

2010-01-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

Don't give up.

It would be so easy to give up on God when tradegy strikes.

Our culture, the world and some stupid people teach us that God is like Santa. All rainbows and lollipops. If we believe the idea that He bring us good things if we are well-behaved, then it would be so easy to give up on Him when bad things happen.

The Truth is that He never promises an easy life. In fact He talks about trials, persecution, and even earthquakes. But many of us grow up thinking that if we believe in God, everything will be ok and safe. Then, a car crash happens, a baby dies, a squirrel runs out in front of a motorcycle, an earthquake crushes a city, a heart gives out. Our Faith is shaken.

God never says bad things won't happen. Sin came into the world. Satan roams the world we can't even see. Jesus gifted us with Free Will. We are human and our bodies are fragile. Yep, bad things are going to happen.

But He does promise to be there for us when those bad things happen. He promises to never leave us. He promises to comfort us, to hold us. He promises to bring us out from the crashing waves. He promises that soon there will be no more death and He will wipe our tears. He weeps with us when we are hurting.

Oh, I know that is so hard to believe and hear when you are in the midst of the pain. I even wrote in one of these posts that I hated God. I know.

But I also know what it's like to keep holding on and fighting.

So, don't give up.

Changes

2010-01-17T18:46:00.000-08:00

I like sleeping on his side of the bed. It's closer to the bathroom and farther from the door...

But I miss having him to cuddle with at night.

I like sitting on his side of the couch. It's a better view of the t.v...

But I miss not having him next to me to watch the tv and laugh with.

I like being able to eat whatever I want to...

But I miss cooking for him and i hate all the weight I've gained.

I like getting my coffee every morning, whenever I want... I hate that I have to have a coffee every morning because I don't sleep well without him.

I love having my dogs now...I hate that he never met them.

I love meeting with friends whenever I want.i love the profoundly deep friendships with kind, loving and FUN people I have gained through this. I love that I am closer to my sister now... I miss him having to share that with.

I love my pink, short hair... He would have hated it. I miss his face when he didn't like something.

I like driving his Moreno...I miss riding shotgun while he drove it.

i like taking the dogs for walks at night... I miss walking with him.

i like being able to buy things whenever i want...i hate having to manage the bills. (and i hate not having a second income. worrying about money sucks.)

i love the church that i'm going to...I miss having him there to lead me.

I love the deeper relationship with Christ I have gained through this.... I miss having him with me.

Pinky

2010-01-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

Yes, my hair is pink. I love it. I'm a walking billboard to remember to do your self-breast-exam every month.

It's all for my sweet friend who is kicking cancer's ass. They won't take my hair for Locks Of Love, so I did this and matched the cost to go to a cancer research. We all wish we could make it better, don't we?

She has said that sometimes when she takes off her wig or hat, she gets stares from people. Well, at least now if she's with me, she can avoid the stares:)

2010-01-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

(This is how lazy I have become. I couldn't even take the time to wash a spoon, so I dug through the large spoon and spatula bin and found this spoon to use instead.)

I went to a concert this weekend. Third Day. Tenth Avenue North. Newsboys. Fireflight. Newsong. Every moment was absolutely incredible. We were so close I could almost touch them, literally. If I was only Elasta-Woman.

Ps. If you are friends with anyone from Tenth Avenue North, your mission is to introduce me. Now!

The best part of the concert....other than seeing the 11 and 12 year olds I was with praising God, and the fact that I could actually sing a praise song without feeling utter disappointment and sadness, or the fact that I was so giddy and joyful I could have busted (it really helps that those guys are unbelievably hot),... was spending time with HeeJun's best friend from college, Carrie. Carrie and I played Wii and let the pups have a fun play date on Saturday. Sunday we headed to the concert. She is one of those blessings that has happened since HeeJun's death. One of those "i'm glad it happened, but wish it wasn't under these circumstances" blessings. Her friendship is profound. While we were dancing to the Wii Just Dance and jumping up and down screaming for Third Day, I had a wonderful thought that HeeJun would be laughing his butt off watching us in amazement.

Hayden

2010-01-14T15:52:00.001-08:00

Hayden bagged my groceries the other day.

Paper or plastic?

I wanted to say, "oh, my husband and i were going to name our son Hayden Jonas, but he died in a horrible motorcycle accident. I picked the initials HJK to honor HeeJun Kim. Hayden was our favorite motorcycle racer and Jonas Ridge was HeeJun's favorite place to ride. So, I love your name."

Instead I said "paper, please."

2010-01-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

Work is a great distraction. Climbing the career ladder that I never wanted to climb.

Someone at work said "life is good" to me today. I laughed and said, "not there yet". He said "well, then you have to say it. put it out there." Boy, was he in for it. I gave him the whole "life sucks, but God is good" lecture. The life sucks part of the lecture was pretty forceful. He backed out of the room slowly in the safety stance we use at work when an angry child is coming at us with a chair to hurl at our heads.

It's funny how I can get so distracted at work and almost forget. I can drive home thinking and planning my work day. I can stress about supervising and worry that i am not doing my best. Then i remember...

work is a great distraction.

The obligatory New Years post

2010-01-03T17:49:00.000-08:00

Why is it that 2009 feels like it flew by, but it feels like just yesterday HeeJun and I were going for a walk around the block?

I hope that all the rest of the years i have without HeeJun fly by too. It might be that i just don't remember this year because of that whole grief thing. To quote Tara quoting me, "if there's not a picture of it, i won't remember it."

It makes me sad that there are no new pictures to post of HeeJun. Last year at New Years I posted this picture. Now, that's the same one I would post for 2010. Does that make sense? A whole year went by without new pictures of HeeJun.

Oh, don't worry. I actually had a great New Years. I spent it with an amazing family of an incredible friend. This is a friend I met through being a widow. Her husband and I knew each other in college. He went to Heaven 5 days after HeeJ. I imagine HeeJ met him and gave him a tour straight to Jesus' feet. It was so comforting and fun to be with their loving, kind and FUN family for New Years! Thanks my friends! ( I know you are reading this!!!)

You're going down

2009-12-30T17:32:00.000-08:00

I have been wrangling and wrestling with this issue for a while now.

The issue of cynicism and bitterness.

Oh, I used to hear good news and I would be happy for the new mother, or new couple, new employee,....

Then, I learned that bad things happen.

Now I hear good news, and I think "well, that's nice that you're pregnant, but don't you know sweet little baby girls can die at 40 weeks the day before their due date. Don't you know, mamas can go in to hear the heartbeat and it's gone...

That's nice that your husband is so great, but don't you know that husbands can walk outside and have a heartattack.? Don't you know that a brave soldier can turn his head to help someone and get shot? Don't you know that car wrecks happen? Don't you know that beautiful mothers can go in for a routine exam and stop breathing?"

What can I do with these thoughts? They have almost become a saracstic "you'll be lucky if this doesn't happen to you" thought when i hear about good news. It's horrible and I don't like it.

What if I embraced these thoughts and let them take hold? Can you imagine what I would become? "Erica, I'm 32 weeks pregnant!" "Well, you better watch out, because your baby might die." "Erica, I just got engaged!" "Well, let's hope he doesn't die." Horrible thoughts, right? No one would want to hang out with crazy Erica.

So, I decided to beat those thoughts into submission.

What I mean is, I can't run or hide from the fact that I now know horrible, terrible things happen. Knowing this could make me fearful to live life, or mad and bitter when others are living it. Instead, I will allow these thoughts to teach me to hold onto and enjoy every moment of life.

No, that's a lie. Right now, I'm not quite at the place where I can "enjoy every moment", but maybe I can help others not take life for granted. Maybe, because I know bad things happen, I can help others when it does happen. Cause, baby, I've been there. Maybe I can remind people and myself that even though horrible, unthinkable tradegy happens, God is still going to be here to comfort us. He's never going to leave. He hates that we're hurting and he weeps with us.

So, when I have these fleshy thoughts, I choose to tell the happy person to enjoy every moment and remind myself that God is with them, and me always.

Curtains and Wii

2009-12-30T17:19:00.001-08:00

I woke up the day after Christmas with the desire to put up curtains. My protective dog barks at every passing neighbor or dog, so I thought curtains would help decrease his barking. My incredible dad worked hard to put curtains up in the dining room and kitchen. What a great change, right? Wrong.

Then, my parents left. The house was empty. The curtains were closed. The world couldn't see me. I couldn't see the world outside. People won't know I'm still here. I'm alone. I lost my mind. I cried like i haven't cried in a while. Perhaps, they were tears that i had been holding in for a while/ I felt trapped and panicky. Then, suddenly I realized (Holy Spirit style) that it was the curtains. The curtains. Open the curtains, Erica. You are not alone.

Isn't it amazing how one little thing can set you in a tailspin?

it would be very easy to keep those curtains closed and to let myself drown in the panic and darkness. But I choose to open the curtains and let The Light in.

Oh, I also got a wii. Dude, HeeJun would have loved it. I chose to play Wii, instead of being sad that he isn't there to play it with me.

Christmas is for the dogs...

2009-12-30T17:14:00.001-08:00

Silent Night

2009-12-23T17:24:00.000-08:00

Sunday's message started out, "Christmas by society's standards is supposed to be full of cheer and merriment. However, for most people it is the greatest time of loneliness and heartache."

Society Answers to Grief:
1. Bury your feelings
2. Replace your losses
3. Grieve Alone
4. Let Time Heal
5.Live with Regret
6. Never Trust Again.

Society has it all wrong.

Isaiah 41:10: Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

2 Sam 12:22...read the whole story. It's powerful.

1 Thes 4:13-18 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Nothing Compares

2009-12-19T16:56:00.000-08:00

There is so much hurt and heartbreak around me now. I never got it, but it really is everywhere.

I had coffee today with an amazingly strong "2 week old" widow. She probably won't even remember our conversation. I know I don't remember much of what happened for those first months. Our stories are completely different. Yet, I know that blank stare. I know those tears.

One topic of conversation was the comparison game widows and, well, mostly everyone around us plays. "At least, you don't have kids" or "Thank goodness you have kids". "At least you are so young" vs. "Aren't you glad you had so many years together". "At least he died suddenly and quickly" vs. "Aren't you glad you knew and had time to talk about death."

I've learned that there is no way to compare grief. Kids, no kids, old, young...grief is hard no matter what. Losing your love, losing the life you dreamed of hurts, aches, takes your breath away.

Christmas Past

2009-12-18T17:07:00.000-08:00

Last Christmas I was here and here. I don't even remember writing those words. That's the first time I have gone back and read some of my older posts. Perhaps, I will do that more...

This was Christmas past..

This is Christmas now...

An Amy Sandwich...

shut up and hug someone

2009-12-18T16:46:00.000-08:00

This week I have felt so frustrated at people. Have we not learned anything from this? Have you already forgotten how fleeting life is? Have you already forgotten the pain and hurt? I want to scream at people complaining about their babies or their husbands! Complaining about having to shop for gifts. Complaining about kids being home for the holidays!!! I would give anything. Anything to be able to complain that my husband was hard to shop for, or that I had to clean the house for company, or that my kids were home for the holidays. Anything.

Sigh. I miss him.

On the other hand, I will most likely slap the next person who comes to me with a super happy smile saying how much they love Christmas. oh, the stupid malls and their stupid Christmas songs. Yes, I am in a better place than I was last year. Better, might be the wrong word. Last year I was barely floating along. This year I've got a little fight in me and everything tastes bitter and cynical.

So, no more complaining about trivial things and no more happiness. Here are things I will accept;

humor

friendship

hope

memories

a little dancing. Did you know they have a Just Dance Wii game?!!!

Intense

2009-12-14T17:46:00.000-08:00

Check out this beautiful song. "Oh, darling, I wish you were here."

I had an intense day.

i addressed my (untrue) beliefs that my sin did this. That my disobedience to Christ's pressing that I should stop being so deceitful did this. That God is a punisher and a disciplinarian. Shame, Shame, Shame.

I read a lot about forgiveness, and repentance, and allowing Christ to fill me with his grace, and integrity.

I have a lot of intense homework to do this week.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again, from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. you will increase my honor and comfort me once again"- Psalm 71:10

Apparently I like to party

2009-12-13T17:14:00.000-08:00

HeeJun didn't like parties. It was one of the things that first attracted me to him. He didn't need to fit in or to be social to feel good about himself. He was confident in himself. He would have much rather sat at home watching a good movie, than go out and be social.

Well, apparently, I like to party. I enjoy having friends over and planning fun times.

Our agency Holiday party was canceled this year, so I decided to host an Tacky Un-Holiday Party for my team. Ugly Christmas sweaters, Spiked Egg Nog, Ginger Bread House making, Elf on DVD, A Dirty Santa Gift Exchange, and Wii. The night before I thought to myself, "what was I thinking?" A grieving widow should not put herself through something like that. But once every one showed up, and thanks to my troops last week for helping me clean, I actually had fun! Wii might be the best invention ever.

HeeJun would have hated it. Maybe, not hated. But he would have laughed at the drinking fools. He probably would have given me the stink eye when i drank that glass of wine, too. He would have loved the Wii though.

Doing something like this was a big step for me. I wasn't sure where to put HeeJun's pictures and the scrapbook. Would it make them uncomfortable? They all know me, so would it be weirder if the pictures weren't out. I told my friend that at work I can put on a brave face and be distracted, but at home, I'm still a crying mess. So having the work life merge into the home life, was a big deal for me. Also, having alcohol in the fridge was a big deal, too! Going to the ABC store was the biggest deal!

avoiding sleep again

2009-12-10T20:10:00.000-08:00

I have been going to my widows grief group for a year now. It's been 16 months yesterday. I realized that tonight at the group. I thought it was only 15. Only. Will the 9th ever pass one day without me counting the month? I forgot month 16. What does that mean?

I had a very hard time in the group today bringing myself into the grief world. Letting myself "go there". I came in laughing with a friend and it was like a shock to my system when everyone was meditating and deep breathing. "Wait, go back to laughing! Don't think about that sadness! Don't let the tears come", said my body. I was the first to talk and share my story. A shock to get my brain in grief gear. Wait, I haven't told this story in a month. Can't we talk about work or my dogs or tacky Christmas sweaters?

What does that mean? I think I need to share the story more and remember more.

I see the new widows and widowers come in and I am reminded of the shock, the uncontrollable shaking, the gasping for breath, the racing thoughts, the falling down sobbing. It hurts to be reminded of that, but maybe it is a good thing to have that reminder. And maybe it's a good thing for them to see that one day you might walk into the group laughing.

2009-12-09T20:09:00.000-08:00

Being exhausted, but not able to sleep.

Comes with the widow territory.

Every night I watch tv until all the good shows are over. I dance around the room for a while, then I head to bed. No, I don't sleep. I check all my facebook friends' status'. I check all my blog friends' posts. I dread when I am done. When no one has posted anymore. When I actually have to put this crackberry down and turn off the light.

I used to go to sleep so easily. No, that's not true. I tossed and turned with HeeJ, but I did not dread sleeping.

I stay up too late every night. Every morning I have to drag myself out of bed because I am so tired and I have no energy. Every morning I say I'm going to bed earlier next time. Every night, I avoid sleep at all costs. That's what I'm doing right now, actually. On my crackberry, posting to no one.

So, thanks for your status updates and posts. Keep them up!

If you don't have anything nice to say...

2009-12-06T16:16:00.001-08:00

don't say it at all...

That is why i haven't posted in a while. I just was tired of being gloomy, and tired of my own voice. Because, geez louise, I miss him. I've been told that grief comes in waves often. You think you're done dealing with something and then boom, it's there again.

when i told my counselor some of the things going through my head, she said, "girl, you are IN it". i sighed with relief. thank goodness someone noticed. She gave me "homework" to write down and carry with me some scripture verses to encourage me and remind me of His truths throughout the day. So, what's your favorite verse?

ok. no more gloomy.

the troops came in this weekend! They helped me shop for tacky holiday decorations. Garden Ridge baffled our minds!

They brought me food to last months!

They cleaned, vacuumed, dusted, literally on their hands and knees scrubbing the shower drain! That is a true friend!

We decorated the tacky house til past midnight, in the cold. Some of them are mothers of infants, running on no sleep. That's a true friend!

They each gave me a tacky (or beautiful, depending on your taste) decoration.

please note to pink flamigos!

bah humbug! I even have a hat that says BAH HUMBUG to wear!
We looked through the scrapbook; it's almost complete!

They presented me with a beautiful necklace with Jeremiah 31:3-4 on it and HJK inscribed on the back. It was the best way to start off the month. Because of their encouragement I was able to smile and laugh at holiday parties, I couldn't even fathom going to last year.

See...I'm smiling.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt. Again you will take up you tamborines and go out and dance with the joyful."

10 on Tuesday

2009-11-24T16:08:00.000-08:00

So many times I would become upset, excited, or sad about something, and tell HeeJun I was going to blog about it. He would laugh and say "you don't even know how to start a blog." We would laugh about it together. That memory was one of the reasons I started this blog. Here are the top 10 things I would tell HeeJun I wanted to blog about this week...

1. Dear friend ND. A young mother just diagnosed with cancer. Probably the bravest person I know. She has such a strong and positive attitude as she faces this earth shaking news. Pray for strength and healing, friends.
2. I posted a while back a picture of the address labels my Alma Mater sent me. I purposely took the picture trying to leave the envelope with my address out of the picture. I didn't even realize that my address was on the labels for the blog world to see! Grief brain. The picture has now been taken down. And if you are some crazy nut reading this and trying to get my address, I have a gun, a vicious dog and a baseball bat that I'm not afraid to swing away!
3. I went to the David Crowder Band concert last week with some great friends. This guy is crazy cool. His song Dance just might be my new theme song. "Dance If You're Wounded/ Dance If You're Torn In Two/.
4. I have also been listening to How He Loves Me by John Mark McMillan. The end is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to feel that way again. "If HeeJun could sing, he'd say...You are good and oh, how He loves me".
5. I have been watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 since the very beginning, until this year. I've watched bits and pieces this year. It was just too sad to watch. I have a habit of diagnosing people often. Comes with my job. I'm just saying, does any one else think Jon has either gotten involved in some serious drugs or is starting to display symptoms of mental illness?
6. I am absolutely loving Vampire Diaries and Glee. Watching it makes me smile for hours. I can't help but jump around the room and dance to Glee every time it comes on. My superwoman friend AE sent me a CD with the music from Glee. I can't stop dancing around the house, blaring it in the car...so therapeutic.
7. My ring tones after the accident until now are a small reflection of the grief process. "I'll be missing you"- Puff Daddy, "I can't stop missing you"- Trey Songs, "Heaven"- Mary Mary, "Pollen and Salt"-Daphne Loves Derby, "Don't Stop Believing"-Journey, "Dancing with Myself"- Billy Idol.
8. I had to pull out the Widow Card at work this week. Big licensure debacle. All my recreational therapists were freaking out, but things like that don't phase me much anymore. Jail, schmail. On the work note, we really need some better foster care families. I wish I could start all over with the families. Our poor kids. It's such a horrible cycle.
9. Juneau and Moorea are the best dogs for me. Juneau is still a bit aggressive when he is scared. He is just a big ball of anxiety out in the world. But in the house, he is so calm and a proud protector. Moorea is a sweet, cuddly ball of cuteness. She is so loving and adorable. She is starting "puppy" classes now, with hopes that she will be a therapy dog that I can bring to work.
10. I did a lot of babysitting this week. One of the best feelings in the world is holding a crying baby and rocking them to sleep. -sigh-

avoid and distract

2009-11-23T16:28:00.000-08:00

I waved goodbye to all the motorcycle stuff tonight. A wonderful new friend came through to help!

So to avoid thinking about it, I'm going to practice riding on my Heelies! I wish I had a cool video of me riding on them. Can you believe I'm 30?!

The Garage

2009-11-22T13:07:00.000-08:00

I spent the day taking pictures of all of the motorcycle junk in the garage, and then posting them on Craigslist. I had lots of people offer to help me with this, but as most widow's know, words are easy to say, actions fall through...

The hardest thing to post was the tire changer. I hated that tire changer. HeeJun would call me from the garage and interrupt my precious tv watching time, and have me help him hold down this heavy tire thingy. Oh, i hated it. I love it now. We would laugh at how hard it was and do the dance of joy afterwards. He would also have me spend hours in there measuring exact heights of something for the tire for some kind of brake thingy. I had no idea what I was doing, but it was our thing.

While I was moving stuff around I found a hole in the wall. I totally forgot about that hole. I drove straight into the garage about a month after the accident. Ah, grief. I would say that the fog that grief puts us in lifts one day, but today I stood in front of a car at Target for about 2 minutes so confused why the door wouldn't open. It wasn't my car! oops!

Christian Counseling

2009-11-16T17:44:00.000-08:00

I went to a recommended Christian Counselor tonight. She was amazing. I left feeling like, "yep, that's what a counselor is supposed to be like."

She asked what do I want to accomplish during these times: how will I know when I done?

"I feel myself becoming and more cynical and dis-trusting. I don't trust God anymore. I think He's going to just do what He wants anyway, so what's the use in praying. And what He does will probably be bad. These thoughts come into my head that He doesn't love me, He is cruel. I know it's not the Truth. But the thoughts are still there. I want my joy back. I want to trust again."

She didn't say, "oh, you are doing so great" like the other counselor did. She didn't say, "that is totally normal" like everyone wants to say to comfort me. She said, "wow. that is some intense stuff."

Yep. You're right. But I haven't lost my Hope. I still want it. I can't give up. I won't give up. When you believe there is a Heaven and a Hell, you can't give up. I want to trust again.

I got to talk alot about HeeJun, which I loved. She asked what I was like before he died. I couldn't remember. Seriously. I wanted to say "happy", but I know there is so much more to that. I was niave, just blissfully unaware. I really could not remember who I was before all this. What was life like?

She asked who am I now. I told her I am one tough cookie. And I am going to fight for my Joy back!

The Dating Conversation

2009-11-08T15:52:00.000-08:00

It's been over a year. I'm getting out and about in the world. So, I thought it would only be right to post my thoughts on dating.

A. I'm going to be the best damn girlfriend/wife ever if I ever do start dating again, because I know how incredibly special and incredible love can be. I know not to argue or stress over the stupid stuff. Who cares about the dishes? Who cares about what television show got recorded? i know how love can be. I am going to rock as a girl friend/wife.

B. But because I am going to rock, he is going to have to be beyond rocking.
1. He is going to have to be the best looking, sexiest man out ever.
2. He is going to have to be ridiculously rich. I'm not going to worry about money anymore.
3. He's going to have to treat me like a princess
4. He will cook and clean. Or understand that I will not.
5. He has to love Jesus deeply, and understand being hurt and confused, but still have his feet planted firmly in his Faith.

Yep, if it ever happens, I'm going to be pretty selfish.

Honestly, though, if a boy ever approached me, I would have no idea what to do. Just like a little school girl. I talk a big game, but I would freak out in real life. I joked at work that all I wanted for my birthday was a gigolo, (being lonely and all) but if someone even held my hand in real life, I would probably start sobbing. Oh, I'm going to be an awesome date!

New Things

2009-11-08T15:32:00.000-08:00

I tried to do something new or fun every night this week- went outside my comfort zone. The poor pups didn't get a walk at all this week, since I rolled into the house late every night.

Monday- Small group with singles

Tuesday- Charlotte One (loved it, but hated being alone, )

Wednesday- Zumba

Thursday-Coffee with an encouraging friend

Friday- Bobcats Basketball Game

Saturday- Widows Wear Stillettos Picnic in the Park

I love doing these things, but I hate them at the the same time. I hate that I have to be in a singles Bible Study now., but I love the people in it. I hate that I get to go to Charlotte One, but I love being there. I wish HeeJun was there to join me on the coffee dates (although, he would have never gone), I wish HeeJun was there at the Bobcats game. I wish HeeJ had enjoyed the picnic or met the incredible ladies in the group. But these things have come into my life, because he is not there. So, it's a vicious cycle, right?

No more shopping for me

2009-11-01T13:49:00.000-08:00

I think I'm going to stick to online shopping again this year.

I've hit the "stage" where everything makes me cry.

Little Asian babies.
Trying on shoes. (HeeJ was an expert shoe-picker-outer)
Couples holding hands.
Firehouse Subs opening in Concord Mills.
Fall Decorations
Strollers

Yep, I'm that crazy lady crying in the store. Awesome.

Friends

2009-10-31T12:35:00.000-07:00

As hurt and confused and mad at God as I am, I acknowledge and thank Him for knowing what He was doing when He brought the West Cabbarrus ladies together.

We have been through some tough stuff. Really tough stuff together. They were there for me immediately when I needed them. Making sure I ate, making sure I slept, making sure I actually got dressed. Like a fellow blogger said, "I was a widow- baby" and needed them to mother me.

News came to me yesterday that another one of us is hurting. Her earth has been shaken.

I have had the earth shaking news. I know the feeling of your knees being kicked in and you can't breathe. Yet, I still found myself not being able to understand it. Not being able to wrap my brain around what was happening. I started saying the stupid cliches, "God has a plan". "I'll pray for you."" Think positive". I even said, "well, thank God this didn't happen when..."! I hated when people said to me, "thank God you are young or thank God you don't have kids."

It's amazing how even though I get it, I don't know what to do.

I know, I'm so judgemental...

2009-10-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

I visited a new grief group on Wednesday closer to my house.

I realized immediately how "blessed" i have been with the widows group i joined.

this group sucked.

workbooks and a video. "God is good" niave crap talk. "Oh, just read your Bible" answers. People who were just hiding what they really felt. One woman was super doped up and couldn't stop talking. The leader told a man who just lost his wife 3 weeks ago to cancer, "after my kids died, I prayed God would give me cancer". The leader said that to him!! discernment, much? (we've all thought it, but you don't say it...)

We watched the video, said "that was good", offered stupid prayer requests (really, prayer requests?!! Like, "oh my great aunt miffy's dog is sick" requests!), hugged, then left.

Man, I have been lucky with the group I am in. I actually felt bad for the other people in this group who didn't know that there are groups that offer real support, real understanding, and real comfort.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-28T19:12:00.001-07:00

(sigh. my 2nd favorite HeeJun face...)

10 on Tuesday

2009-10-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

1. There is a mouse in my house. That is just how filthy and messy I have let things go. At least it's better than a moose in my caboose or a rat in my hat, according to my dad.

2. I went to the chiropractor for the first time for my back on Monday. Oh, man. I wish I had gone 6 months ago. It feels so much better.

3. My brain has officially stopped working. I used to be able to read books every night. After the accident, I could only read Gossip magazines. Now I can't even read those. Just watch television all night.

4. Or work on the scrapbook, as I am watching television.

5. Juneau the dog came to me completely house trained and with excellent manners (other than his fear of kids and wheels and other dogs). Moorea, although sweet and adorable, keeps peeing when she is excited and she has no idea how to walk on a leash. Oh, but she is sooooo sweet. She is sitting in my lap right now, just cuddling.

6. I found a grief group called GriefShare that meets close to my house. I'm debating now, also joining that group, along with my young widows group. And going to a counselor. Maybe someone will have the answer, right?

7. The Fall Fest has taken over at work. My office is filled with costumes, pumpkins, and decorations! I used to love this time of year...

8. Now I hate it.

9. HeeJun proposed on Halloween.

10. It's Tuesday, right?

How are you?

2009-10-26T17:16:00.003-07:00

Boss- "Hey, you look stressed. How is your morning going?"
Me-"Well, I woke up this morning and heard my dog snoring. i thought it was my husband...so...all this stress ain't nothing."

From the beach to the mountains

2009-10-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

the beach

2009-10-22T14:50:00.001-07:00

I wish I knew how to upload pictures on my phone to this blog. I'll figure it out.

For now, I'm sitting on the beach with new friends (who I actually restrained all day today) and enjoying this.

I might have to schedule an annual October trip to the beach. It's wonderful. And I usually hate the ocean.

I've been in training to learn to be an intructor for restraints and crisis intervention. I am so sore today. I never thought I would be learning how to do this. It's interesting how my "priorities" have changed. That's not even the right word. The things I focus on have changed...no, that's not right either. Let's say I focus on learning as much as I can about work and moving into leadership roles, to take away from thinking about what I used to think about. HeeJun, babies, being a wife and mother...work distracts me.

the beach

2009-10-22T14:50:00.000-07:00

a widow's 10 on Tuesday

2009-10-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

1. It's Tuesday, right?

2. I'm at a conference at the beach for work. I had a little meltdown the first night being alone. I realized it's the first time I've been alone without dogs or people since the accident. I realized it's the first time I ever checked into a hotel on my own. I could almost hear the soundtrack, "all by myself" playing as I ate my spaghetti and drank my wine in the hotel retaurant.

3. I have become dumber. I have noticed that I can't find words often and just go blank. I also stutter or slur words a lot now. It's all related to the grief, I know. But I'm dumb. I have a hard time even reading a simple book, let alone answer these test questions for this conference.

4 I think I might need to go to a pastoral counselor. I have some many issues now with God. It's impossible for me to say God is good. I scoff when I hear people say it or think they have no idea. I KNOW that's not true. But it's what my heart thinks. Counseling, much?

5. I would really like to get my garden going or finish painting or clean my house or finish scrapbooking, but I just can't find the energy. Anyone know a good gardener?

6. I swam with about 20 dolphins today. For real. They were leaping and playing about 15 feet from me. HeeJun would have thought it was so cool.

7. My dogs are the most wonderful and precious pups ever. I was thinking the other day that a few things have come into my life directly because of HeeJun's death; the dogs are one. Two very incredible friendships came back after the accident. J and S call weekly and our friendship has strengthened since. They knew I needed them and I am so grateful for them. And my sister. We talk just about daily now and again, our relationship has strengthened. I don't say this as a "look at the good that came out of HeeJ's death" or as a "I would rather have HeeJ". It was just a realization. It would have been the best to have HeeJ, the pups, my sister and my friends all at the same time.

8. I love Vampire Diaries and Glee! The thought that it will be on, keeps me going all day. I know, they are sooo sinful, but oh, so good!

9.My back is freaking killing me. The shots only made it worse. I finally gave in and went to a wonderful chiropractor. He actually got me into a massage. Best massage ever. It really helped. Perhaps, there is hope.

10. I am addicted to facebook. But it annoys the crap out of me. I can't stand when people complain about stupid stuff and I want to gag at the happy stuff. Lucky bastards is what I want to say. But then again, I still check it every day. Glutton for punishment.

A widow's 10 just isn't as fun, is it?

2009-10-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

When my thoughts turn to loneliness and heartache, it helps to have this little girl around.

Quilt

2009-10-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

WomanNShadows finished my quilt and delivered it to me on Thursday. I knew she was going to have it with her at our Widow's Group and when I saw her I simply zoned in on her and the quilt. I didn't even see anyone else in the room. I am slowly learning that this is part of my coping skills. Just zone in on what needs to get done, so I won't actually lose it right there. It can be a good coping skill, but also a bad one. I can't remember anything around me or what is going on when I'm zoned out.

So many of his t-shirts and pants and jeans...notice his yellow swim trunks he wore in Bora Bora, and his motorcycle t-shirts...

This side has the shirts sewn on but still like shirts...if that makes sense...I know exactly where he bought each shirt, and when he wore them...

This was the shirt he wore when he painted our bedroom as a surprise for me. The paint stains are still on the shirt.

The quilt is gorgeous. Very heavy and warm. She actually made two quilts and put them together, so the front is different from the back

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be a Tree

2009-10-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

And reach,

reach,

reach to the sky...

This weekend was the tree planting ceremony at the high school HeeJun and I attended. My mom, dad and my wonderful neighbors headed the organizing and planting of the tree. It was such a kind and thoughtful gesture. They picked the kind of tree that is outside his parents house. He always thought it was so cool and always commented on how beautiful it was.

Supportive family and friends gathered at the high school where HeeJun and I started our story.

I felt so anxious all morning. The first time I actually asked for some drugs. Alas, no one had any!

I was actually able to say something this time. At the funeral, i could barely speak, let alone stand up and say something. This almost felt like it was going to be the funeral that I would remember. While I was driving to Raleigh for the ceremony, my mind couldn't help but repeat the day of the funeral in my head. Who was there? What was said? I have no idea. What I do know is that I was surrounded by love and support that day. As I was this weekend. We had a picnic at Shelley Lake afterwards, the lake that HeeJun and I enjoyed many picnics and walks.

Here's what I said: (or what I think I said...kind of a blur)

" HeeJun believed being an individual, being different was important. So when I was trying to figure out what I was going to say today, it didn't seem right to read someone elses' words, Shakespeare or even my own seemed wrong. That just wasn't HeeJun. So I went through his journals, letters and cards to me and wrote down some things he would have said if... in his own words.

Wings are only good super hot and better if shared with friends who can't handle the heat.

Food is the best part of a wedding or party, and you should never share your fries.

Work hard, so you can play hard. No excuses, play like a champion. The first chance you get, go see the glaciers in Alaska.

Crashing is part of the game. Wear gear and keep a level head.

Respect your parents. He wrote, " my parents have taught me right from wrong, have taught me all my morals. They had a great impact on who I have become. I love them, even thought I don't say it enough.

Expect great things from God. Attempt great things for God.

He wrote, "What do I have to fear? God is in control and has a plan for my future, my job, my wife, my friends. Man, He has a plan and it is so much greater than my own. I have a relationship with the God of the universe. Without a shadow of a doubt He loves me. He is so real to me it's like He is sitting right next to me and I want to dwell in that place forever."

He wrote "I love you and love never dies".

Then an understanding neighbor read a poem;

We Remember Him

In the rising of the sun and its going down

We remember him.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of the winter

We remember him.

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring

We remember him.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of the summer,

we remember him.

In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,

we remember him.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,

we remember him.

When we are weary and in need of strength,

we remember him.

When we are lost and sick at heart,

we remember him.

When we have joys we yearn to share,

we remember him.

So long as we live, he too shall live,

For he is now a part of us,

as we remember him.

2009-10-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey’s end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."-Unknown

There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. ~Washington Irving

Some great quotes I found on Widow's Voice.

I'm sad now. Maybe it's because I had an exhausting weekend- my wonderful sister drove 8 hours to come visit for our birthdays. Her birthday is the day after mine. I always thought that was so cool. Still do. Maybe it's because I just woke up from a nap to an empty and quiet house after 5 days of LIFE in my house. Maybe it's because I'm freaking 30 and have been avoiding it for weeks.

The kids at work sang happy birthday to me. I smiled and laughed. They don't get it. Most adults don't even get why i scoffed or rolled my eyes when they said "happy birthday".

I went out with my awesome co-workers and sister for dinner. I smiled and laughed and actually had fun. But I made sure not to remember that it was my birthday.

Having Brittany here and her 2 dogs and my parents and their dog was a great distraction. Lots of laughter.

But right now, at this moment, I'm freaking 30 and I hate it. I hate being this age without HeeJun. I hate that in 22 days I will be older than he got to be. I hate that this is my life at 30. I thought it would be so different. this was not the plan. I hate that now I almost feel like Rachel in Friends (HeeJun's favorite show) when she turns 30 and realizes she is getting old and wants a baby. Oh, I know lots of people have babies after 30. But I want HeeJun's baby. I want HeeJun back.

Sometimes I can go a couple hours living life and then I remember he is gone. Remember isn't the right word. Realize he is really gone. that this is real. That feeling compares to having fingernails on a blackboard, or a knife just poking at your skin,...I tense up and my insides feel like they're shattering. On the outside though, I keep living. No one knows. Some people don't even realize I am still hurting. "Man, she's doing great."

I have learned to expect these moments and take a deep breath in. I know that having these bone shattering moments in my mind are the reason the rest of my body is all out of whack too. It's all connected, right?

I feel old. I think I'll go outside and yell at the kids running across my grass.

The Birthday that must not be named

2009-09-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

I'll be 30 on Thursday.

I refuse to celebrate. It's just going to be too hard.

HeeJun's last birthday was his 30th.

This is not what my life was supposed to be at 30.

In a few days I will be older than HeeJun ever got to be.

Do you ever feel like just screaming a bunch of obscensities for hours?

I'm also pretty tired of my own voice, so...

A quilt

2009-09-27T15:02:00.001-07:00

This deserved a post all on its own.

My dear, wonderful, lovely best friend from childhood (next door neighbor since I was 5) made me a quilt. I vaguely remember mailing some of HeeJun's shirts to her with a "could you try to make something with these?" request.

She delivered the quilt to me the day of her baby shower. It was a day to celebrate her and her baby, but she walked home from the shower with me and gave me the quilt. My Sarah is pretty fantastic, huh? I can not express how much it means. I was already pretty emotional from the shower and seeing some old friends, but when I saw that quilt, that t-shirt, that pocket, i couldn't hold back the tears. thank goodness for comedy. we took silly pictures with it as a cape!

So, now i will have two uniquely different "capes". One from a friend who knows me best, one from a friend who knows this pain best.

My excuses for being absent

2009-09-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

I sold my old tv and bought a new one. Major temper tantrums ensued. I had to hire "a boy" to hook it all up. Lots of "why isn't HeeJun here?" and "why did he do this?!" tears!

I got a new lawn mower for my birthday. I tried to start it...

and, of course, my father ended up doing it. I actually just came in from a major meltdown outside battling the stupid lawn mower. Thank goodness for concerned neighbors!

I went in for what I thought was going to be a little cortizone shot for my aching back. They gave me some happy juice and that is all I remember from the day. My back still aches, but the happy juice was worth it!
Sweet Moorea and Jumpy Juneau keep me busy and entertained. She is ADORABLE and so perfect. He is a protector and a loyal friend.

She got her first haircut today!

Work is keeping me busy! It is ironic- just a little over a year ago, the "plans" were to leave work and be a stay at home mom. Ah, plans...
Yes, I wore this in public.

Purple Day!
Pajama Day at work. Can't complain when you get to wear sleepies to work!

I have also become friends with a new member of this "horrible club we have that no one wants to join"- the widow's club. I have no idea how she is standing. It's weird being on this side of grief- the side that hurt becomes familiar and you learn to keep breathing. I have noticed that God has been placing several new young widows in my life lately. I have been able to be to them what Kathryn was for me. But, on my side, it also reaffirms to me that I'm not crazy. It is totally normal to not be able to take a deep breath, to think that your husband is laying in bed with you, to dream that it never happened, to not be able to get out of bed, to have your mind going a hundred miles a minute, to forget things, to want to keep busy, to want to be alone, to want to be surrounded by friends, to cry over the lawn mower, to laugh at inappropriate times. I remember all that, and still go through it often. Not as often as before. And that is what I can tell them. "Not as often as before." So, that's hopeful, right?