I Heart New York

HeeJun and I went on many vacation together. He "worked hard, so he could play hard", and he wanted to go on big vacations. We always talked about going to New York, but something always came up.

While married we visited;

Bora Bora

New Orleans

Cape Breton

San Fransisco

Charleston

Chimney Rock

Alaska

This trip to New York was fun and busy. It was so good to see friends and I was the typical tourist taking pictures and gasping at Times Square and Central Park. Ah, I loved Central Park. there were moments were the hurt of not having HeeJun there overshadowed the fun, but I had great friends to make me laugh and that really cared.

I'm laughing in this picture. Really laughing. How did that happen?

I won't go into too much detail about the trip, because, to be honest, I don't want to.

New York

Diverse- So many cultures!

Tough Survivors-so many subways and buses! i loved the whispers of "dolce gabana, coach" in my ear while we walked through China Town

Too cool- what did New Yorkers do before Ipods and Cell Phones?

Movies and celebrities.- I saw BJ Novak (ryan from the Office)

I wonder what HeeJun would have thought. I wonder how we would have experienced New York together?

I think it was the overwhelming exhaustion-it is seriously the city that never sleeps- and the fact that i had been running full steam ahead while in New York, that I collapsed emotionally when I reached the airport. I just started crying and couldn't stop. At home, the tears became wails. I haven't cried like that in a while. I was so tired. And it felt like the ache would tear me in two or that my heart was going to shatter. I couldn't breathe. Thank goodness for Juneau and Psalm 42m and Mocha Frappachinos.

Whole Woman Day

Yep, I did it. I went to the Whole Woman Day with Mary Kassian. I think Mary went inside my head and plucked out all my thoughts and feelings. After looking at the notes before her first session, i thought "Holy Macaroni, Is she speaking to me?" She spoke of the widow in 1st Kings that is at the bottom of her barrel, literally; about to give up, about to give in to the pity party. I wrote on my notepad PERSPECTIVE; Be Cross Eyed.

God has a much bigger perspective than what I have right now. He can see things that i can't even imagine. I also was comforted in the thought that HeeJun also has/had that perspective. He always did. if something like this happened to HeeJ, I don't think his Faith would even waiver, not for a second. I saw during family crises over and over again from him. He knew who His God was and He knew that God was the same before bad things happened and after bad things happened. Another word I wrote down was Persevere. sigh. to persevere. push on. hold onto my Hope.

Oh, and Hello! She pulls out the scripture from Hebrews that has been bugging the crap out of me. again, His perspective is soooo much bigger than mine.

My jaw hurt so bad from holding back tears during that session. I didn't want to let it go, because it would have been one of those gut wrenching sobs that sometimes even sound like snorts. and that would have been embarrassing. but after the session, we started singing and here come the tears. oh, well. let 'em flow.

I decided to go to the Sowing Seeds of Sorrow small group session. Oh boy. Just walking into the room, i couldn't hold back the tears. even the poor group leader had difficulty getting through her lesson without sobs. it was comforting yet again, to be surrounded by women who "just get it".

Seeing old friends from school and from Crusade was wonderfully healing. I can't describe why it is so comforting. Maybe it is a selfish sense of wanting to be prayed for and thought of, maybe it is a reminder that life was once so much fun and so hopeful, maybe it's just cause my friends ROCK,...i'm sure it has something to do with God bringing them into my life, right? I hope i didn't freak them out too much. sometimes, i can be too honest and open about what is going on. i know tears can make people feel weird. i bet the snot dripping down my nose and the puffed up eyes make people uncomfortable,too.

I went to the Satisfied In The Savior session, too. I admit. I'm just not there. It was hard to hear people complaining. I am sure they were not complaining, but to me it sounded like it. I remember being like that, too. Just desiring something so much that it is all you can focus on; marriage, baby, a new home, a new job. it takes over your thoughts. but i just could not say, :well, erica, be satisfied in Your Savior during this time, cause just like all those other times, He will provide. I am not satisfied with this circumstance. i admit I am wrapped up in this circumstance. HeeJun was a HUGE fan of John Piper. Piper says, "God is most Glorified when we are most Satisfied in Him". He also says, "..The most fundamental thing we can say about God is that he is sovereign. So that is where I begin. I begin at the bottom, the root, the foundation of all we cherish, all the grace, all the love, all the patience, all the faithfulness, all the forgiveness, all the security and hope and peace and joy. all these things rest on the deep and glorious sovereignty of God. If God is not sovereign, he is not God, and all our hope is dashed."

So I will push on. I will persevere. I will run the race to be satisfied, to glorify, and be in his presence. today. we will see about tomorrow.

Easter and Babies

A wonderful friend reminded me as I was driving and feeling all down and "Easter Sucks"-ish that HeeJun would be having the celebration of a lifetime on Easter? Can you imagine the Spring Fling and Easter Celebration in Heaven? I can imagine HeeJ dancing and pretty much going nuts!

My dearest friend, A, had her baby this week. So adorable, so beautiful, so cute, so exciting. But since this blog is MY blog I will leave her story out of this, even though it is a very sweet and hopeful one. She is one strong woman!

Of course, holding the baby that was born exactly 8 months after HeeJ passed, 9 months after we "tried" in Alaska, the baby that should have a "cousin Kim" to play with, brought all kinds of emotions. Shoulda, coulda, if only thoughts. If we had gotten pregnant in Alaska, if I hadn't miscarried last year, if if if!

In college, HeeJun and I took our picture in one of those booths, where they show you what your child will look like together. Here is that picture! Please note the red hair on an Asian! Poor kid.

When I was pregnant, A sent me this card. It still cracks me up. if only...shoulda...

Easter in the good old days

HeeJun and I were baptized on Easter. Took the plunge.

Sigh.

Baptized together.

Both of our families were there. Some had no clue what was going on, but they were still there. sigh.

We had a big Easter supper after church that Sunday. I remember being so proud of HeeJun, and so grateful that we got to do this together. And so joyful, so loved by Christ. Ahhh, the good old days.

Awkward Turkey

I went yesterday and indulged in a massage. My back has been aching and for some strange reason, I'm a bit stressed so I decided it was about time. Crazy awkward and I think I might have scarred the masseuse for life. It was a man (insert southern Delta Burke accent here)! I haven't been touched like that by a man in 8 months. Awkward. Once I took some deep healing meditative breaths, I started to relax a bit. He kept asking me if I was holding my breath and telling me to "relax". huh??, i thought i was. He said I was too tense and could definitely tell something was messed up with my back.

Then he got to my neck and I panicked. I had no idea I would have such a strong reaction to someone touching my neck. All i could think about was HeeJun's neck. He kept telling me to relax and even asked me if I had a rod in my neck. I just kept tensing up while telling myself, "come on girl relax". He said I was scaring him. Then i told him...well, my husband died by blunt force trauma to the neck. And boom, he backed off. Of course, he tried to get me to sign up for more massages, and obviously i need them...but maybe not near my neck, please.

bunny hop and rollerskates

PS. oops. if i had read the rest of David Jeremiah's chapter, i think my last post would not have been so...confused. But really what does hebrews 12: 5-11 mean?

today we did the bunny hop at work. you have to love a job where the most of your morning is spent racing the clock to fill eggs with candy and hide the eggs everywhere!

i keep dreaming that i am on roller skates all the time, everywhere i go. i am thinking of investing in the "Heelies" that all the kids wear. i think it's because i have been crazy busy at work running back and forth. it would be much more fun rolling back and forth i think. but i am the staff who fell from the roof (still have a scar all the way down my back) and broke both wrists playing tag. I doubt human resources would let me wear them to work.

i realized yesterday while talking on the phone with friends ( i have the greatest) that i do not count my days as bad or good anymore. they are just days. not in a depressing way, but i am going minute by minute so i don't really remember what happens during the day. i do remember walking today and just getting this overwhelming feeling of just missing HeeJun. that realization that the accident did happen, that he is not here, that this is for real. it hits like a ton of bricks for no reason. takes my breath away. even when i'm in the middle of the bunny hop.

WAKE UP!

Do you ever think there will be a day that I wake up on time? I am thinking of investing in an automatic coffee maker so I can plug it up right by my bed and just chug it to drag myself out of bed. It doesn't help that a) I stay up late reading and b) juneau moved the door last night and it creaked and scared the wits out of me. i jumped on the bed and yelled "i've got a gun!"

I started reading David Jeremiah's book When Your World Falls Apart last night and honestly, i got pissed and confused. here goes my rant;

I loved these words,
God says to us (during our "disruptive moments") Stay where you are. I'll be there with you."

In the midst of our tragic circumstances. we have the richest fellowship Christ afforded to us.

your weakness will serve to magnify the glory of My (Christ's) Power in such a way that no one will ever again be able to explain your experince in human terms.-
This is what I hope for in the future. That one day my Faith will be so strong because of all this. I just can't imagine that right now.

I hated these words;
Our heavenly father disciplines us so that we will grow up to be partakers of his Holiness.
He is training us by our trials, God allowed this in your life to train you.

I hated those words because it made me think of my God sitting there saying "I gotta teach Erica a lesson here. Let's kill her husband who she loves to teach her to love me". or it made me think that He did this to discipline me. I can not believe that. In this book, the author's trial was cancer and I can almost see that given a disease or loss of a job or something like that could be seen as a way that God is teaching. I kinda get that.

When I lost my first job, I was devastated, but now looking back, i see that God had something even better for me. I can not imagine saying that about HeeJun passing. That God had something better for me. geez.

I refuse to believe that the God that calls for me to love Him and glorify Him, would be a God who kills my husband to teach me a lesson or discipline me. yes, i do believe He can use this to teach me or grow me closer to Him. I can already see how He is using it to grow other family members and friend closer to Him. But I refuse to imagine My God tapping his fingers and writing a lesson plan to kill HeeJun. When i read those words, i envisioned this evil mastermind slowing tapping his fingers together with a menancing laugh, planning the destruction of life.

i know, it is way beyond anything i can understand. that is the Mystery of Christ, right? That everything is in His plans and He is in control. It's a fight I am going to have to fight every moment, i think. to just remind myself that yes, I don't understand why this happened, but God is here with me and loves me. He does. He does. He does.

Onto some funny stories;

Tomorrow at work we will have our annual Easter Egg Hunt. I usually plan a big Spring Fling, but just couldn't muster the extra ommph this year, so we are only doing the hunt. The kids won't even notice as long as they get their candy. So, tonight I was downloading Spring songs to play and I put what I thought was the bunny hop on the CD. Thank goodness I listened to the CD before burning it, because i heard "bleepety bleep bunny hop bleep bleeping bleep". That would have been awesome to play over the loudspeaker! i could just imagine the looks on the staff's faces. the kids wouldn't have even noticed, sadly.

today a neighbor soliciting his experience mowing lawns and landscaping rang my doorbell. when he figured out through talking to me who i was (the widow-note to self; sew scarlett W on all shirts) he back tracked- and offered to landscape my yard for free. it's kinda amazing, cause just about three minutes before he arrived I was taking Juneau for a walk and actually starting caring about how terrible my yard looks. i didn't care before today, but suddenly I got the urge to make it look a little bit decent (so I don't get written up again by the HOA).

Ah, reminds me of a funny story...We used to get written up all the time by the HOA- grass too high, trailer in the yard- Heejun blamed it on being Asian. I went to one of the meetings once and I think the last text i sent HeeJ was from that meeting saying that HOA's were stupid. he hated our HOA. He raised a ruckus at one of the meetings.

Back to the original neighbor and my lawn story-as HeeJun said "there are no coincidences" isn't it amazing that the day i start caring about my lawn and kinda getting stressed about it, a stranger shows up at my door to say "hey, i can help"

He does. He does. He does.

haunted

where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which i find myself constantly walking around in the day time, and falling into at night.

i'm ok. enjoying seeing friends and going for walks with juneau.

but whenever i am in the car, or see a motorcycle, or smell the flowers, or feel the cool breeze, memories of that day kept creeping in. thinking of what HeeJun must have been feeling. thinking about that one tear. thinking about the troopers at my house. what if i had been out of town? what if i hadn't answered the door? what if amory hadn't been home? remembering calling Bomi. realizing that this is real. sometimes it feels like i just talked to him yesterday. realizing that we won't have an anniversary this year, or a family, we won't grow old together. this is fricking for real. it's an instant of feeling sorrow, and then someone calls, or i figure out how to work a new gadget on my phone, or i realize i need to clean out that stink in my refridgerator, or the laundry buzzes...so i pick myself up and embrace the fact that i just miss him.

Sorrowful, but tryin to rejoice.

Ayayayayayay.

What a roller coaster ride of a week. I hate roller coasters.

After my little trip to the ER, I came back to work and "ouched" my back cleaning Yoga Mats. Seriously?! Who does that?

I don't know if it was being sick, being in pain, my car needing new brakes, or just being sad, but, man, it was like I was in the first month all over again. I just picked up my Bible and combed through it searching for a message about me, for me. Nothing. I threw the Psalms out because "David was being persecuted and under attack. I'm not". I tossed Piper's book "Fighting for Joy" off the bed because "what's the point?". I needed something, anything to say "Erica, I know. I hurt, too. I'm sorry this happened, but I got this. I love you." I don't even ask the "why" question anymore. i just want to hear that He is Good. I need to know that It's true even though it doesn't feel like it.

Then I read "Jesus wept". I know. How cliche. How many times have i heard that? but it hit home. Jesus ran to His friends house and he was sad. so sad he cried like me. he wept. He knew it was going to happen. But He was still sad. Maybe he wept for HeeJun, too. Well, maybe he wept for me.

Then I read 2 Corinthians 6:10, "Sorrowful, but rejoicing". I can be sad and still rejoice? Because I know Jesus. Because I have the Hope that "He's got this". Everytime the sorrow comes, it still feels like the first time and it feels like it will never end. But then comfort and peace, somehow follow and I fall asleep or go to work or laugh or dance. Somehow.

My kids at work have noticed, too somehow. Maybe because I am started to engage in their groups more. I had three kids at separate times either ask me how my husband died, remind the lunch table that "Mrs. Erica's husband died", and yell out in the pool that "Mrs. Erica is a widow". Gotta love those goofy bastards.

My friend Emily (she rocks) sent me tickets to the Chris Tomlin concert this Friday. I knew it would be intense so I enlisted the help of a super Poppen to go with me. We got there right as the opening act was ending and we were escorted to the FRONT ROW. Even if you don't appreciate Christian music, it's kinda cool to be in the front row of anything, right?

So Chris, yeah we're tight like that now, was exciting and energetic. But man, it was hard to sing those songs at first. I mean, How Great is Our God?! My heart just wouldn't let me sing it. But then, he sings a song "written for people who have lost someone" and my stone heart melted. It felt good. And all day today I have been blaring those words and just craving that experience again. (it helps that Chris is a cutey-patootey, too)

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul I can say

"It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I will rise

when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

And rise I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I hear the cry of every longing heart,

"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when

He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees

...And rise I will rise