Thursday, August 21, 2008

That day

Sometimes I feel like I just dwell in that day. My mind can't wrap around it. That night HeeJun and I went for a walk around our block. I remember holding his hand and commenting on how soft his skin was. He joked that it was because he washed. We stopped and talked to our neighbors. All so mundane, but it means so much now. We watched the opening ceremonies to the Olympics. HeeJun was fascinated by the drumming and the boxes popping up. He rewound that part several times. Such a nerd. I won't ever watch the olympics or those opening ceremonies without seeing his excitement. I fell asleep on the couch. This bothers me. It was such a normal thing for me to do, but I was sleeping as HeeJun was experiencing life. We went to bed late that night. I wonder if he was tired the next morning.

He was so excited to get on his ride that morning that he woke up before his alarm at 6:15am. I know this because his alarm went off the next morning, jolting me into the next day. He didn't wake me up to say goodbye. Just let me sleep through his nightmare. I can't believe I was sleeping while his friends were fighting for his life.

I woke up and went grocery shopping, came home and I saw the troopers cars parked across the street. I made a joke to my neighbor "what did you do this time". Not funny.

Deep breaths. Just breathe.

I heard the doorbell ring and I was worried about getting a jacket on because I didn't want to answer the door in the shirt I was wearing.

Two troopers at my door saying sit down, it is bad, who can we call. I thought it was a joke. I thought they had followed me home because I was speeding. Can't be real, still can't be real. They put their hats on my kitchen table.

Friends rushed to my side, bringing their sweet babies for a distraction. My parents and his parents drove from Raleigh. His best friend, Matt and wife Amanda drove down. Lots of shaking and sobbing.

His courageous motorcycle buddy, Doug, came by and gave me his helmet and comfort that HeeJun did not suffer. I found out later through how much he was loved and admired by those guys. HeeJun was a safe and responsible rider. They say that he never put on his brakes on turns. Maybe he saw a squirrel or deer. He ran into a tree. Not a scratch on his helmet or gear. His Ipod is a little scratched. He always told me before his other crashes that he could see it happening and would think "this is going to hurt".

Deep breaths. Just breathe.

Doug said he never gained consiousness. He said HeeJun shed one tear. I hope that tear was not a tear of sadness or regret. I hope he did not know what was happening. I hope the tear was a tear of joy that he was being greeted by Christ.


t said...

Your story has touched my heart deeply and I am praying for you and your family. Let God hold you and comfort you through this hard time and know that you have family and complete strangers praying for you and his whole family. Love in Christ, Tia

Julie and Jim said...

Thank you Erica, for sharing this. When we first got the call in Seattle, I was so concerned for you. I found out on the blog site what had really happend. I wish so much that we could have been there with you until your family and friends could come. Just know that we are here for you whenever you are ready to come home. We are 1 house away if you ever need anything, or just don't want to be alone.


Carrie said...

Wow. I seriously don't have the words to express anything right now. Reading about that day gave me a strange sense of closure. I had so many questions about the events that led up to it. Thank you for posting this and sharing this. I love that you posted some of his journal entries. Those words are the true heart and soul of HeeJun. I praise God that I had one last dinner with him, one last conversation with him, one last hug from him. He was such an amazing man and you made him much more amazing- I saw such a difference in him! Please know that I'm not going to be out of your life just because HeeJun was our connection- he wouldn't want me to. I'm going to honor his stubborness :o) Love you!!!

Candi said...

Erica, I can't tell you how wonderful this blog is - what a therapqutic tool to process what you're experiencing. I wish I had thought of doing something like this after my sister's death. Isn't it amazing how you can remember every detail of the state's like it all happens in slow motion isn't it? I know it is such an effort to make yourself do this and I'm so proud of you. Thank you for sharing HeeJun's journals - what a blessing to look into his heart.

Brittany said...

I noticed you started following my blog today. I originally came to visit and to say, "thank you." Some how, those trivial words are lost now...

I can relate to several things about "that day." I hate that we have so much in common, but I am grateful to a God that is big enough, and sends "soul sisters" my way in His awesome time.

I am looking forward to getting to know you and HeeJun, and your story.

(28 year old widow, and princess to the Most High King)