Friends

As hurt and confused and mad at God as I am, I acknowledge and thank Him for knowing what He was doing when He brought the West Cabbarrus ladies together.

We have been through some tough stuff. Really tough stuff together. They were there for me immediately when I needed them. Making sure I ate, making sure I slept, making sure I actually got dressed. Like a fellow blogger said, "I was a widow- baby" and needed them to mother me.

News came to me yesterday that another one of us is hurting. Her earth has been shaken.

I have had the earth shaking news. I know the feeling of your knees being kicked in and you can't breathe. Yet, I still found myself not being able to understand it. Not being able to wrap my brain around what was happening. I started saying the stupid cliches, "God has a plan". "I'll pray for you."" Think positive". I even said, "well, thank God this didn't happen when..."! I hated when people said to me, "thank God you are young or thank God you don't have kids."

It's amazing how even though I get it, I don't know what to do.

I know, I'm so judgemental...

I visited a new grief group on Wednesday closer to my house.

I realized immediately how "blessed" i have been with the widows group i joined.

this group sucked.

workbooks and a video. "God is good" niave crap talk. "Oh, just read your Bible" answers. People who were just hiding what they really felt. One woman was super doped up and couldn't stop talking. The leader told a man who just lost his wife 3 weeks ago to cancer, "after my kids died, I prayed God would give me cancer". The leader said that to him!! discernment, much? (we've all thought it, but you don't say it...)

We watched the video, said "that was good", offered stupid prayer requests (really, prayer requests?!! Like, "oh my great aunt miffy's dog is sick" requests!), hugged, then left.

Man, I have been lucky with the group I am in. I actually felt bad for the other people in this group who didn't know that there are groups that offer real support, real understanding, and real comfort.

Wordless Wednesday

(sigh. my 2nd favorite HeeJun face...)

10 on Tuesday

1. There is a mouse in my house. That is just how filthy and messy I have let things go. At least it's better than a moose in my caboose or a rat in my hat, according to my dad.

2. I went to the chiropractor for the first time for my back on Monday. Oh, man. I wish I had gone 6 months ago. It feels so much better.

3. My brain has officially stopped working. I used to be able to read books every night. After the accident, I could only read Gossip magazines. Now I can't even read those. Just watch television all night.

4. Or work on the scrapbook, as I am watching television.

5. Juneau the dog came to me completely house trained and with excellent manners (other than his fear of kids and wheels and other dogs). Moorea, although sweet and adorable, keeps peeing when she is excited and she has no idea how to walk on a leash. Oh, but she is sooooo sweet. She is sitting in my lap right now, just cuddling.

6. I found a grief group called GriefShare that meets close to my house. I'm debating now, also joining that group, along with my young widows group. And going to a counselor. Maybe someone will have the answer, right?

7. The Fall Fest has taken over at work. My office is filled with costumes, pumpkins, and decorations! I used to love this time of year...

8. Now I hate it.

9. HeeJun proposed on Halloween.

10. It's Tuesday, right?

How are you?

Boss- "Hey, you look stressed. How is your morning going?"
Me-"Well, I woke up this morning and heard my dog snoring. i thought it was my husband...so...all this stress ain't nothing."

From the beach to the mountains

the beach

I wish I knew how to upload pictures on my phone to this blog. I'll figure it out.

For now, I'm sitting on the beach with new friends (who I actually restrained all day today) and enjoying this.

I might have to schedule an annual October trip to the beach. It's wonderful. And I usually hate the ocean.

I've been in training to learn to be an intructor for restraints and crisis intervention. I am so sore today. I never thought I would be learning how to do this. It's interesting how my "priorities" have changed. That's not even the right word. The things I focus on have changed...no, that's not right either. Let's say I focus on learning as much as I can about work and moving into leadership roles, to take away from thinking about what I used to think about. HeeJun, babies, being a wife and mother...work distracts me.

the beach

I wish I knew how to upload pictures on my phone to this blog. I'll figure it out.

For now, I'm sitting on the beach with new friends (who I actually restrained all day today) and enjoying this.

I might have to schedule an annual October trip to the beach. It's wonderful. And I usually hate the ocean.

I've been in training to learn to be an intructor for restraints and crisis intervention. I am so sore today. I never thought I would be learning how to do this. It's interesting how my "priorities" have changed. That's not even the right word. The things I focus on have changed...no, that's not right either. Let's say I focus on learning as much as I can about work and moving into leadership roles, to take away from thinking about what I used to think about. HeeJun, babies, being a wife and mother...work distracts me.

a widow's 10 on Tuesday

1. It's Tuesday, right?

2. I'm at a conference at the beach for work. I had a little meltdown the first night being alone. I realized it's the first time I've been alone without dogs or people since the accident. I realized it's the first time I ever checked into a hotel on my own. I could almost hear the soundtrack, "all by myself" playing as I ate my spaghetti and drank my wine in the hotel retaurant.

3. I have become dumber. I have noticed that I can't find words often and just go blank. I also stutter or slur words a lot now. It's all related to the grief, I know. But I'm dumb. I have a hard time even reading a simple book, let alone answer these test questions for this conference.

4 I think I might need to go to a pastoral counselor. I have some many issues now with God. It's impossible for me to say God is good. I scoff when I hear people say it or think they have no idea. I KNOW that's not true. But it's what my heart thinks. Counseling, much?

5. I would really like to get my garden going or finish painting or clean my house or finish scrapbooking, but I just can't find the energy. Anyone know a good gardener?

6. I swam with about 20 dolphins today. For real. They were leaping and playing about 15 feet from me. HeeJun would have thought it was so cool.

7. My dogs are the most wonderful and precious pups ever. I was thinking the other day that a few things have come into my life directly because of HeeJun's death; the dogs are one. Two very incredible friendships came back after the accident. J and S call weekly and our friendship has strengthened since. They knew I needed them and I am so grateful for them. And my sister. We talk just about daily now and again, our relationship has strengthened. I don't say this as a "look at the good that came out of HeeJ's death" or as a "I would rather have HeeJ". It was just a realization. It would have been the best to have HeeJ, the pups, my sister and my friends all at the same time.

8. I love Vampire Diaries and Glee! The thought that it will be on, keeps me going all day. I know, they are sooo sinful, but oh, so good!

9.My back is freaking killing me. The shots only made it worse. I finally gave in and went to a wonderful chiropractor. He actually got me into a massage. Best massage ever. It really helped. Perhaps, there is hope.

10. I am addicted to facebook. But it annoys the crap out of me. I can't stand when people complain about stupid stuff and I want to gag at the happy stuff. Lucky bastards is what I want to say. But then again, I still check it every day. Glutton for punishment.

A widow's 10 just isn't as fun, is it?

When my thoughts turn to loneliness and heartache, it helps to have this little girl around.

Quilt

WomanNShadows finished my quilt and delivered it to me on Thursday. I knew she was going to have it with her at our Widow's Group and when I saw her I simply zoned in on her and the quilt. I didn't even see anyone else in the room. I am slowly learning that this is part of my coping skills. Just zone in on what needs to get done, so I won't actually lose it right there. It can be a good coping skill, but also a bad one. I can't remember anything around me or what is going on when I'm zoned out.

So many of his t-shirts and pants and jeans...notice his yellow swim trunks he wore in Bora Bora, and his motorcycle t-shirts...

This side has the shirts sewn on but still like shirts...if that makes sense...I know exactly where he bought each shirt, and when he wore them...

This was the shirt he wore when he painted our bedroom as a surprise for me. The paint stains are still on the shirt.

The quilt is gorgeous. Very heavy and warm. She actually made two quilts and put them together, so the front is different from the back

s

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be a Tree

And reach,

reach,

reach to the sky...

This weekend was the tree planting ceremony at the high school HeeJun and I attended. My mom, dad and my wonderful neighbors headed the organizing and planting of the tree. It was such a kind and thoughtful gesture. They picked the kind of tree that is outside his parents house. He always thought it was so cool and always commented on how beautiful it was.

Supportive family and friends gathered at the high school where HeeJun and I started our story.

I felt so anxious all morning. The first time I actually asked for some drugs. Alas, no one had any!

I was actually able to say something this time. At the funeral, i could barely speak, let alone stand up and say something. This almost felt like it was going to be the funeral that I would remember. While I was driving to Raleigh for the ceremony, my mind couldn't help but repeat the day of the funeral in my head. Who was there? What was said? I have no idea. What I do know is that I was surrounded by love and support that day. As I was this weekend. We had a picnic at Shelley Lake afterwards, the lake that HeeJun and I enjoyed many picnics and walks.

Here's what I said: (or what I think I said...kind of a blur)

" HeeJun believed being an individual, being different was important. So when I was trying to figure out what I was going to say today, it didn't seem right to read someone elses' words, Shakespeare or even my own seemed wrong. That just wasn't HeeJun. So I went through his journals, letters and cards to me and wrote down some things he would have said if... in his own words.

Wings are only good super hot and better if shared with friends who can't handle the heat.

Food is the best part of a wedding or party, and you should never share your fries.

Work hard, so you can play hard. No excuses, play like a champion. The first chance you get, go see the glaciers in Alaska.

Crashing is part of the game. Wear gear and keep a level head.

Respect your parents. He wrote, " my parents have taught me right from wrong, have taught me all my morals. They had a great impact on who I have become. I love them, even thought I don't say it enough.

Expect great things from God. Attempt great things for God.

He wrote, "What do I have to fear? God is in control and has a plan for my future, my job, my wife, my friends. Man, He has a plan and it is so much greater than my own. I have a relationship with the God of the universe. Without a shadow of a doubt He loves me. He is so real to me it's like He is sitting right next to me and I want to dwell in that place forever."

He wrote "I love you and love never dies".

Then an understanding neighbor read a poem;

We Remember Him

In the rising of the sun and its going down

We remember him.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of the winter

We remember him.

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring

We remember him.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of the summer,

we remember him.

In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,

we remember him.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,

we remember him.

When we are weary and in need of strength,

we remember him.

When we are lost and sick at heart,

we remember him.

When we have joys we yearn to share,

we remember him.

So long as we live, he too shall live,

For he is now a part of us,

as we remember him.

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey’s end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."-Unknown

There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. ~Washington Irving

Some great quotes I found on Widow's Voice.

I'm sad now. Maybe it's because I had an exhausting weekend- my wonderful sister drove 8 hours to come visit for our birthdays. Her birthday is the day after mine. I always thought that was so cool. Still do. Maybe it's because I just woke up from a nap to an empty and quiet house after 5 days of LIFE in my house. Maybe it's because I'm freaking 30 and have been avoiding it for weeks.

The kids at work sang happy birthday to me. I smiled and laughed. They don't get it. Most adults don't even get why i scoffed or rolled my eyes when they said "happy birthday".

I went out with my awesome co-workers and sister for dinner. I smiled and laughed and actually had fun. But I made sure not to remember that it was my birthday.

Having Brittany here and her 2 dogs and my parents and their dog was a great distraction. Lots of laughter.

But right now, at this moment, I'm freaking 30 and I hate it. I hate being this age without HeeJun. I hate that in 22 days I will be older than he got to be. I hate that this is my life at 30. I thought it would be so different. this was not the plan. I hate that now I almost feel like Rachel in Friends (HeeJun's favorite show) when she turns 30 and realizes she is getting old and wants a baby. Oh, I know lots of people have babies after 30. But I want HeeJun's baby. I want HeeJun back.

Sometimes I can go a couple hours living life and then I remember he is gone. Remember isn't the right word. Realize he is really gone. that this is real. That feeling compares to having fingernails on a blackboard, or a knife just poking at your skin,...I tense up and my insides feel like they're shattering. On the outside though, I keep living. No one knows. Some people don't even realize I am still hurting. "Man, she's doing great."

I have learned to expect these moments and take a deep breath in. I know that having these bone shattering moments in my mind are the reason the rest of my body is all out of whack too. It's all connected, right?

I feel old. I think I'll go outside and yell at the kids running across my grass.