Just breathe

I usually love this weather. Fall is my favorite time of year. My birthday is October 1st and HeeJun proposed on Halloween. October was our month. This weather ust reminds me of all that and makes my heart ache. Will everything always hurt?

This weekend was our 10 year high school reunion. I got to see some wonderful and beautiful friends. I was not strong enough to go to the shin-digs but I had lunch with the Fab Four and watched as the girls got ready. A most incredible and fun thing, but will it always hurt?

I went to church on Sunday. I tried to pick a church that I had no memories of HeeJun attached and also has almost ALL of my Crusade friends attending. (Raleigh is the new Greenville). As I watched the praise band singing with such Joy, with huge smiles on their faces, praising God, I wondered if I would ever be able to feel such Joy again. I have experienced that before. I wondered if those people whose facing were so bright, had ever experienced something like this, and if they had, would they be that joyful? Will it always hurt?

I started leading groups today at work. I led one gardening group with 8 second graders. Should have been fun and relaxing. One punk kid decided to throw the peppers and tomatoes at another. He decided it would be a great idea to hit this kid over the head with the weeds. Nothing special. This is a common occurrence at work, but I could feel the tears start to well up, and I bolted. Any emotion it seems, will make my feeling radar go berserk. I sobbed for about an hour in my office. The hysterical kind of sobbing. Over nothing. Apparently, I am not ready to lead groups. I called a co-worker/ friend in finally to help me glue myself back together.

I have had to deal with a lot of money and insurance issues. No will and no life insurance means having to split, and having to decide who gets what. Big scary situation.

I am alone for the first time today and tomorrow. Just breathe.

Missing my other half. Missing my person.

Lots of new things this week to tell HeeJun. I started leading groups at work. One of my little 7 year old girls told me "it is o.k to be sad, Miss Erica. It will probably take a year to stop being sad". I started going to a therapist. He said I was doing o.k. Baloney. I emailed a pastor in Raleigh that I really admire, and he asked if he could share my story in one of his sermons. I found a cemetary in Charlotte that I go to when I need to cry. I watched my friends get ready for our 10 year high school reunion. I had to change my status at work to widow. I had to change my emergency contact person. I realized I don't have a person. HeeJun was my person.

I miss him at 4:30, when I would usually call him to tell him I'm on my way home. I miss him while watching the Office. I miss him while holding my friends new ADORABLE babies. I miss him at church. I miss him under the lamp post between my house and Sarah's.

Music has helped me reach and sort through my emotions. These lyrics have been playing in my head lately.

"There's a light at the end of this tunnel. Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel For you, for you So keep holdin' on" Third Day- Tunnel

"I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing With a broken heart That's still beating In the pain There is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holding on " Lifehouse- Broken

Healing Nightlights

This week I felt so exhausted. Physically, I am drained. My body feels like it is made of jello and is trying to push through cement blocks. Emotionally, I am drained. No tears today at church, which is where I usually sob. I drag myself home from work and plop on the couch. However, the dog needs to be walked, bills need to be paid and figured out, insurance companies need to be yelled at (what a pain in my toocus), estate papers need to be filled out, the fence needs to be built, and the motorcycle needs to be claimed. But amidst all this yuckiness has been little bits of light.

Nightlight #1: My dog is the most well behaved and coolest dog ever. He is a little afraid of kids, but easily trained. He drags me out of bed and is a wonderful loving presence in the house. The way Gabby bullied him and protected me, brought laughter into the house.

Nightlight #2: My mom and dad were with me all weekend. My mom has been staying with me for two weeks. She has one more week until she has to leave me. Ugh! My dad is so worried and stressed out about me. Just breathe. Pray for my parents. They have been amazing.

Nightlight #3: My friend, Amory, who was the first to arrive to kick the troopers out, who has surrounded me with love, who has cared for me even though she has a lot on her own plated, invited me to a community block party that her church was throwing for a needy church. Although, I only have a little bit to give right now, it was therapeutic to be part of that. I only had the strength to to stand back and hold her adorable son, while watching her church family share the Love of Christ to others. But through that, my strength is growing.

Nightlight #4: A college friend/ pastor sent me encouraging words that although Jeremiah 29 is often taken out of context, it still shows God's character. Deep theological stuff...

Nightlight #5: I went to Rocky River today and ran into loving and caring people there, who have been a great comfort. While preaching, the pastor quoted HeeJun's favorite quote "Expect great things from God, Attempt great things for God". It was a gentle reminder.

Nightlight #6: The man who is going to build the fence in our backyard has sister-in-law, whose fiance was killed in a motorcycle wreck two years ago. All she had to say was "been there, done that", and I knew she understood.



I do not want to say that I am healing, because I still feel like crumbling inside. And healing makes me think that "I am all better now", and I don't think that will ever happen. I still ache at 4:30 when I am driving home from work and would usually call HeeJun. I still hear motorcycles and think he is pulling in the driveway. I still hurt. But all these things, these nightlights, are tiny pieces of glue, that are putting me together after I crumble.