Halloween 6 years ago...

Halloween 2002 .
HeeJun proposed.
He kept a journal of the whole process from getting the ring, picking the day, emailing Amy for my ring size and schedule, asking my parents ("the most scary thing. Fumbling and muttering through the whole thing"), and writing down the prayers for our marriage. Here are some excerpts from that journal;

10/13/02
"Erica, look back on our relationship and see what God has done for us. Look at how perfect is our God. Look at where He has brought us. In 10 years we can look back and say WOW how good our God is."

"What I want to do in this journal is write down all the things I can't tell you now, but will one day be able to tell you over and over again. You have made me who I am today. You were an instrument of God in my life. Erica Andrews I love you more than anything in this world. How I long to be able to tell you that, to say that to you, to be with you, to wake up next to you, spend our lives together, to grow old together, to raise kids together. I have only thought about these things when I was young not having a person in mind. Now it is coming true and how perfect my wife is amazing...I didn't do it. God is better than I could imagine."

Halloween morning, Amy woke me up and said "I think something big is going to happen today." I said, "well, it's not HeeJun proposing!". I thought this because the night before HeeJun had purposely picked a "fight" with me to throw me off track. He said he wanted me to finish graduate school before we were engaged. I was so ready to get married and I was really upset. I actually wrote him an email that night saying that if he felt that way I needed some time to "get my head straight and my focus on Christ". Little did I know!

Amy, Andrea and I got dressed up for a costume party that night at Mendenhall. Amy and HeeJun were in cahoots about the whole thing. Amy and Andie dressed up as the fairies from sleeping beauty. I was Miss AmErica. We went to the party and then suddenly Amy wasn't feeling very well. Big faker. She asked me if I wouldn't mind going back home. We drove back to our apartment and then when we got to the steps, Amy ran back down saying she left something in the car. I was so confused. There was a note on the door that said "Welcome to our Burger King". Huh? (HeeJun first told me he loved me at Burger King.) I walked into the apartment all weirded out because it was Halloween and things always spook me during that time. I turned on the light and there were candles all over the place and rose petals. I flicked the lights on and off several times. I just didn't get it. I followed the candles into my bedroom and there was HeeJun sitting on the floor with a ring box and this journal. Music was playing in the background. He drove from Charlotte that day, asked my parents in Raleigh, then drove to see me. He waited for me to leave for the party and then snuck into the apartment. I still don't know how. Maybe Amy left him a key...

He read these words to me;

"We are almost there. I don't want to mess this up. I look at the picture of us in 9th grade. It seems so long ago. How young. Erica, from the days of Ms. Gaults' english class to many dances through the many years, to both of us coming to Christ and fighting to walk the walk and have Him as our first to this moment today. What can I say but all the glory to our Lord and King Jesus. There is nothing I like more about you than the spirit of Christ you show to me. I consider myself to be blessed beyond belief to be able to spend the rest of my life with you. Erica Andrews, I love everything that you are and everything that you will become. I love your passion for kids. I love the simple way you see things. I love how you care about others. That is just the tip of what I have to find out about you. Above all I love who you are in my life. God is so rewarding to those who fight to run the race. You are the one for me and have always been. There is no one I would rather walk this life with. Erica Andrews, would you walk this journey of life with me until God takes us into an infinitely better place. Would you be my wife?
I finally fixed the curse on Halloween"

It took my a while to process everything. After I squeeked out a yes and lots of hugs, I told Amy. The last line, I fixed the curse of Halloween was regarding the years of arguments we had on Halloween at ECU. I think we got into an argument every Halloween. Now it's got a bitter sweet curse.

I picked on him for a while about the proposal line. So not HeeJun. But he was trying to be sweet and romantic and it meant a lot to him to ask me in just the right, grandest way.

Best Halloween Ever.

Pay It Forward Potluck

Thank You Very Much

Last Wednesday, I invited the couples from the small group over for a Pay It Forward Potluck. My intentions with the party were to show them how thankful I was for their friendship and for the amazing compassion they have shown me during this nightmarish time. What amazing people they all are! HeeJun and I attended West Cabarrus church for several years and were involved in a small group of about 8 couples, give or take a few. The ladies group I went to was filled with such loving and Godly women. We have all gone separate ways, different churches, but I think the friendships and bonds we made while at WCC have only grown stronger. Some of them I hadn't seen in months before all this. Some have had babies I had not even met. But they were there immediately with comfort, prayers and love. I am so thankful.

During the potluck, I looked over and half of the guys were standing in my cramped bathroom trying to fix my toilet. "Hey, Erica, you got a flashlight?" These are good people.

Drained and then...Kellie Pickler

Apparently even though I was named beneficiary of accounts and insurance, without a will, there can be arguments and trust issues. Without going into too much detail, what a pain in the butt. It has only been two months and I am not ready to deal with financial issues or to make any decisions about the money yet. I was heartbroken that I felt I wasn't being trusted. I was mad at HeeJun for leaving everything like this; for not being clear about what he wanted people to do with his money. I was drained from having to talk about these kind of horrible things. I still can not believe he is gone. At times, when I remember that he is gone, it takes my breath away literally. My whole body tenses up and it feels like all the air in being sucked out of me. It is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that he is not here to handle these issues. He is not here to make these decisions; even the little decisions are draining to me. I had to try to mow the lawn yesterday and I couldn't get the mower started. Just another reminder. The hardest part of saying goodbye, is having to say it over and over again.

It was an emotionally and physically draining weekend. My whole body felt like jello. My shoulders desperately need a massage. My heart aches and I just miss my love. But God and HeeJun have a great sense of humor. As I am driving back to Charlotte from this horrible weekend, crying and being pitiful, a Kellie Pickler song came on. It starts off very sad and slow :When my time comes to an end. Don't be sad. Don't you shed one tear. Take me back to the place I love the most. All my best memories were made in my time here... Then suddenly it picks up and BOOM "Don't be sad or broken hearted, Spread my ashes in the shoe department...Everybody knows that's where I want be...Jimmy choo choo, saks fifth avenue for all eternity." I was laughing out loud. It just reminded me that although I am sad and missing HeeJun, he is CHILLING WITH LEMONADE, joyful and glorious. All these little nuisances like insurance and lawn mowers are nothing compared to the joy HeeJun has now. It comforts me a bit. Just a little bit.