Broken Hearts

I read today a blog of a girl who I might have known, who might be me, who is also a ...widow. Her words were so familiar. her feelings wer like mine. She said "I am a 26 year old with 80 year experiences." I'm a 29 year old widow. Geez. Her latest blog scared me, but was also encouraging. She wrote that she was started to heal, starting to be happy again. I can not imagine that day.

I admit, I am a wreck. I am getting by, getting up to go to work, smiling and actually moving at work (although, one day they will realize that I am rolling in pretty late every morning), but it is all so surreal. Sometimes I feel so strong. I know that strength is not from me. Sometimes I know my Joy is not in these circumstances, but in the Hope of My Saviour. Other times, not so much.

She also said something, like she felt like God had been preparing her for this all her life. She said she had overwhelming desires to do big and crazy things. She found herself dancing a lot. I wanted to scream "ME, too!".

HeeJun was in my dream the other night, for the first time since...Omani dreamed about him the day after he..died (will that word ever be easy to write?). She dreamed he came and said he was sorry. He was crying. Travis had a dream that he came and thanked him for taking care of me, and asked him to keep looking out for me. In my dream, he was laughing. I could see his face, his little mustache hairs, his wrinkly forehead, his big brown eyes, so clearly. He was laughing and so joyful. I knew I was dreaming, but he said, "Enjoy it, even if it is just for a little while". I did. We just laid on the bed and laughed and giggled and danced together. It was only for a moment. I miss him.

Gonna change my blog name

I'm going to change my blog address to chillinwithlemonade.blogspot.com. That's what HeeJun always said about Heaven.

Ok?

Ps. Lots of people have asked me how I prettied up my blog. Amanda did it. Check out her stuff at http://designsavy.blogspot.com/ . She can rock yours out!

2008 sucked

I realized last night that I have spent every New Years with HeeJun since freshman year in high school. Matt B has a video of his New Year's party freshman year that always cracked HeeJun up. Everyone is wishing each other happy new year, and there I am right in the middle of everyone kissing my boyfriend. (Shout out to Chris N).

The greatest New Years EVER was in 2000 when I went to Atlanta Christmas Conference with HeeJun. He had accepted Christ that year, and I just wanted to go be with him for New Years. I didn't really care about that other stuff that came with the conference. Until I got there,, and realized, "whoa, something was missing big time from my life". I remember standing on top of the hotel in the middle of downtown ATL and everyone around us was screaming Happy New Year and blowing horns and ringing bells. HeeJ looked at me and said something profound. I wish I could recall the exact words, but it was pretty much, "don't you get it now?" That was the night I realized what I was missing was this relationship with Jesus.

I remember HeeJun coming to visit my Christmas Conference in 2003 on New Years. We rang in the New Year praying. I remember being so nervous praying with him, and also so in awe that my fiance loved Jesus so much.

Pretty much every year we have been married, we would go out wth friends that night and then ring in the New Year at home, watching the ball drop.

Look at how blonde my hair was! Geez!

Now that everything has changed, I kinda have this weird urge to do something dramatically different with my life. Like before,my life was meaningful as HeeJun's wife. I found my purpose in loving HeeJun. Now, what do I do? I feel like I should give back. i get why people move to Africa or join the Peae Corps after something big happens in their life. I feel like I should do something to make the world better...to make my world meaningful. Maybe move to Africa, or write a book, or adopt a little baby for Korea, hike more, garden, camp out, visit Colorado & Florida & New York, work on a cruise ship... But for now, I will go read a good gossip magazine and take Juneau for a long walk.