Engaging therapy

I engaged in life this weekend and it was so therapeutic.

My Amy brought her baby and hubby to visit me this weekend. I can not describe how amazingly healing it is to hold her beautiful daughter and to see my dear friend. I remember hearing about Amy's pregnancy and having so many strong emotions. Now holding sweet Cora only brings peace and sweet joy.

I also was spoiled tremendously by dear Liz and her adorable baby girl . This quote reminds me of Liz. "We find that our circles of friends shift...We are surprised and disappointed that people we thought were good friends became distant, uneasy, and unable to help us. Others who were casual acquaintances become suddenly close, sustainers of life for us..."_ Martha Whitmore Hickman. I find that i can breathe around these sustainers of life, even if it is only for a little while.

I worked on HeeJun's scrapbook. Should I call it a life book? Or a love book? I was actually excited about putting those pictures together and finding just the right arrangement for the pictures. At times it felt like HeeJun was right there in the pictures, so real. I could feel his smile, his touch, his presence. I almost turned around a couple of times or shouted out, "Hey HeeJ, remember when we went ski-ing with Sarah and Richard? Remember Great Gatsby day? Look at how silly I look in that homecoming dress! Look at how young we look?"

I finally got the energy, the oofph, to buy the paint to re-paint our kitchen. I hate the flaming yellow we painted it. Big Bird yellow as Matt called it. But HeeJun painted it, so it was harder than I thought to buy the paint. one small step.

I found this blog site with these hilarious "widow cards". I laugh every time I look at them. I printed out the "You'll have to excuse my lateness. I'm a widow" , "You'll have to excuse the mess. I'm a widow" and the "You'll have to excuse me for forgetting your name, again" cards.

I danced tonight like Cameron Diaz dances in the Holiday. Except I danced to Playing for Change. Hands in the air. dancing and imagining my HeeJun dancing with me.

The dreaded countdown

July 9th. Month 11.

At this time last year we were planning our trip to Alaska. I was trying to organize a birthday party for HeeJun. We had no idea.

The countdown begins today. 11 months today. I have felt this cloud of dread for the past couple months, since the summer started, knowing that a few horrible things were quickly approaching...

HeeJun's 31st birthday would have been July 18th. 9 more days. tick tock.

The year anniversary is August 9th. tick tock.

My 30th will be October 1. I will soon be older than he ever was. It's not supposed to be like that.

Tick tock.

WomanNShadows finished my mother-in-love's quilt. Omani's birthday is the day before the accident. We were supposed to be driving down the next day to celebrate. I don't think she is going to celebrate this year, but I plan on giving her the quilt anyway.I hope it brings her comfort. WomanNShadows is also making one for me out of all his t-shirts and all those special shirts that I know. When I picked up the quilt today, I saw a pocket she had beautifully crafted into the quilt. I know that pocket.

I started reading Believe by Jennifer Silvera. oh my. I can only get through maybe one page a night. She writes the words I feel. I know that feeling of hearing the doorbell ring and thinking nothing of it. I remember being worried about the shirt I was wearing when I heard the doorbell ring. Now a doorbell rings and I don't worry about what I'm wearing. It's a whole other worry now. She writes of visiting her husband at the accident site. That thought never crossed my mind. To go there. Maybe because it was far away. Maybe because I did not know it was an option. I wonder why I never thought of it. I was too stunned to think that day. I didn't see HeeJun until 3 or 5 days later (was it 3? was it 4?) at the funeral home. Jennifer writes so beautifully. It's almost like that car wreck on the side of the road deal...I know I shouldn't read it before bed because I will cry to sleep, but it is so hard not to read it. I almost feel as though I will find the "answer" in how to Believe in her pages.

love letters

I was going through some letters that HeeJun and I wrote each other to see what to put in the scrapbook and I found this note. I remember finding it on my doorstep the night I returned from Nova Scotia my sophomore year in high school. We were "just friends" and hanging out with each other every day. Ahh, young love.

Hello. Welcome home. Everyone missed you very much. Ok, everyone probably missed you but I can't tell you for sure, but I know I missed you very much...I was lying in bed last night and thinking about us and how we are. I decided that all I want for my birthday is for you to be my girlfriend. When you called the other day, I wanted to say I love you really bad. I want to see you every second. Always remember that I love you and that I will be there for you.

Then he quoted the country song, "If I could make a living out of lovin' you, I'd be a millionaire in a week or two." What a geek.

I also found a note that said, " I can't wait to grow really old and grey with you." Ouch, there goes my heart.