avoid and distract

I waved goodbye to all the motorcycle stuff tonight. A wonderful new friend came through to help!

So to avoid thinking about it, I'm going to practice riding on my Heelies! I wish I had a cool video of me riding on them. Can you believe I'm 30?!

The Garage

I spent the day taking pictures of all of the motorcycle junk in the garage, and then posting them on Craigslist. I had lots of people offer to help me with this, but as most widow's know, words are easy to say, actions fall through...

The hardest thing to post was the tire changer. I hated that tire changer. HeeJun would call me from the garage and interrupt my precious tv watching time, and have me help him hold down this heavy tire thingy. Oh, i hated it. I love it now. We would laugh at how hard it was and do the dance of joy afterwards. He would also have me spend hours in there measuring exact heights of something for the tire for some kind of brake thingy. I had no idea what I was doing, but it was our thing.

While I was moving stuff around I found a hole in the wall. I totally forgot about that hole. I drove straight into the garage about a month after the accident. Ah, grief. I would say that the fog that grief puts us in lifts one day, but today I stood in front of a car at Target for about 2 minutes so confused why the door wouldn't open. It wasn't my car! oops!

Christian Counseling

I went to a recommended Christian Counselor tonight. She was amazing. I left feeling like, "yep, that's what a counselor is supposed to be like."

She asked what do I want to accomplish during these times: how will I know when I done?

"I feel myself becoming and more cynical and dis-trusting. I don't trust God anymore. I think He's going to just do what He wants anyway, so what's the use in praying. And what He does will probably be bad. These thoughts come into my head that He doesn't love me, He is cruel. I know it's not the Truth. But the thoughts are still there. I want my joy back. I want to trust again."

She didn't say, "oh, you are doing so great" like the other counselor did. She didn't say, "that is totally normal" like everyone wants to say to comfort me. She said, "wow. that is some intense stuff."

Yep. You're right. But I haven't lost my Hope. I still want it. I can't give up. I won't give up. When you believe there is a Heaven and a Hell, you can't give up. I want to trust again.

I got to talk alot about HeeJun, which I loved. She asked what I was like before he died. I couldn't remember. Seriously. I wanted to say "happy", but I know there is so much more to that. I was niave, just blissfully unaware. I really could not remember who I was before all this. What was life like?

She asked who am I now. I told her I am one tough cookie. And I am going to fight for my Joy back!