Being exhausted, but not able to sleep.

Comes with the widow territory.

Every night I watch tv until all the good shows are over. I dance around the room for a while, then I head to bed. No, I don't sleep. I check all my facebook friends' status'. I check all my blog friends' posts. I dread when I am done. When no one has posted anymore. When I actually have to put this crackberry down and turn off the light.

I used to go to sleep so easily. No, that's not true. I tossed and turned with HeeJ, but I did not dread sleeping.

I stay up too late every night. Every morning I have to drag myself out of bed because I am so tired and I have no energy. Every morning I say I'm going to bed earlier next time. Every night, I avoid sleep at all costs. That's what I'm doing right now, actually. On my crackberry, posting to no one.

So, thanks for your status updates and posts. Keep them up!

If you don't have anything nice to say...

don't say it at all...

That is why i haven't posted in a while. I just was tired of being gloomy, and tired of my own voice. Because, geez louise, I miss him. I've been told that grief comes in waves often. You think you're done dealing with something and then boom, it's there again.

when i told my counselor some of the things going through my head, she said, "girl, you are IN it". i sighed with relief. thank goodness someone noticed. She gave me "homework" to write down and carry with me some scripture verses to encourage me and remind me of His truths throughout the day. So, what's your favorite verse?

ok. no more gloomy.

the troops came in this weekend! They helped me shop for tacky holiday decorations. Garden Ridge baffled our minds!

They brought me food to last months!

They cleaned, vacuumed, dusted, literally on their hands and knees scrubbing the shower drain! That is a true friend!

We decorated the tacky house til past midnight, in the cold. Some of them are mothers of infants, running on no sleep. That's a true friend!

They each gave me a tacky (or beautiful, depending on your taste) decoration.

please note to pink flamigos!

bah humbug! I even have a hat that says BAH HUMBUG to wear!
We looked through the scrapbook; it's almost complete!

They presented me with a beautiful necklace with Jeremiah 31:3-4 on it and HJK inscribed on the back. It was the best way to start off the month. Because of their encouragement I was able to smile and laugh at holiday parties, I couldn't even fathom going to last year.


See...I'm smiling.





"I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt. Again you will take up you tamborines and go out and dance with the joyful."

10 on Tuesday

So many times I would become upset, excited, or sad about something, and tell HeeJun I was going to blog about it. He would laugh and say "you don't even know how to start a blog." We would laugh about it together. That memory was one of the reasons I started this blog. Here are the top 10 things I would tell HeeJun I wanted to blog about this week...

1. Dear friend ND. A young mother just diagnosed with cancer. Probably the bravest person I know. She has such a strong and positive attitude as she faces this earth shaking news. Pray for strength and healing, friends.
2. I posted a while back a picture of the address labels my Alma Mater sent me. I purposely took the picture trying to leave the envelope with my address out of the picture. I didn't even realize that my address was on the labels for the blog world to see! Grief brain. The picture has now been taken down. And if you are some crazy nut reading this and trying to get my address, I have a gun, a vicious dog and a baseball bat that I'm not afraid to swing away!
3. I went to the David Crowder Band concert last week with some great friends. This guy is crazy cool. His song Dance just might be my new theme song. "Dance If You're Wounded/ Dance If You're Torn In Two/.
4. I have also been listening to How He Loves Me by John Mark McMillan. The end is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to feel that way again. "If HeeJun could sing, he'd say...You are good and oh, how He loves me".
5. I have been watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 since the very beginning, until this year. I've watched bits and pieces this year. It was just too sad to watch. I have a habit of diagnosing people often. Comes with my job. I'm just saying, does any one else think Jon has either gotten involved in some serious drugs or is starting to display symptoms of mental illness?
6. I am absolutely loving Vampire Diaries and Glee. Watching it makes me smile for hours. I can't help but jump around the room and dance to Glee every time it comes on. My superwoman friend AE sent me a CD with the music from Glee. I can't stop dancing around the house, blaring it in the car...so therapeutic.
7. My ring tones after the accident until now are a small reflection of the grief process. "I'll be missing you"- Puff Daddy, "I can't stop missing you"- Trey Songs, "Heaven"- Mary Mary, "Pollen and Salt"-Daphne Loves Derby, "Don't Stop Believing"-Journey, "Dancing with Myself"- Billy Idol.
8. I had to pull out the Widow Card at work this week. Big licensure debacle. All my recreational therapists were freaking out, but things like that don't phase me much anymore. Jail, schmail. On the work note, we really need some better foster care families. I wish I could start all over with the families. Our poor kids. It's such a horrible cycle.
9. Juneau and Moorea are the best dogs for me. Juneau is still a bit aggressive when he is scared. He is just a big ball of anxiety out in the world. But in the house, he is so calm and a proud protector. Moorea is a sweet, cuddly ball of cuteness. She is so loving and adorable. She is starting "puppy" classes now, with hopes that she will be a therapy dog that I can bring to work.
10. I did a lot of babysitting this week. One of the best feelings in the world is holding a crying baby and rocking them to sleep. -sigh-