Nothing Compares

There is so much hurt and heartbreak around me now. I never got it, but it really is everywhere.

I had coffee today with an amazingly strong "2 week old" widow. She probably won't even remember our conversation. I know I don't remember much of what happened for those first months. Our stories are completely different. Yet, I know that blank stare. I know those tears.

One topic of conversation was the comparison game widows and, well, mostly everyone around us plays. "At least, you don't have kids" or "Thank goodness you have kids". "At least you are so young" vs. "Aren't you glad you had so many years together". "At least he died suddenly and quickly" vs. "Aren't you glad you knew and had time to talk about death."

I've learned that there is no way to compare grief. Kids, no kids, old, young...grief is hard no matter what. Losing your love, losing the life you dreamed of hurts, aches, takes your breath away.

Christmas Past

Last Christmas I was here and here. I don't even remember writing those words. That's the first time I have gone back and read some of my older posts. Perhaps, I will do that more...

This was Christmas past..

This is Christmas now...

An Amy Sandwich...

shut up and hug someone

This week I have felt so frustrated at people. Have we not learned anything from this? Have you already forgotten how fleeting life is? Have you already forgotten the pain and hurt? I want to scream at people complaining about their babies or their husbands! Complaining about having to shop for gifts. Complaining about kids being home for the holidays!!! I would give anything. Anything to be able to complain that my husband was hard to shop for, or that I had to clean the house for company, or that my kids were home for the holidays. Anything.

Sigh. I miss him.

On the other hand, I will most likely slap the next person who comes to me with a super happy smile saying how much they love Christmas. oh, the stupid malls and their stupid Christmas songs. Yes, I am in a better place than I was last year. Better, might be the wrong word. Last year I was barely floating along. This year I've got a little fight in me and everything tastes bitter and cynical.

So, no more complaining about trivial things and no more happiness. Here are things I will accept;

humor

friendship

hope

memories

a little dancing. Did you know they have a Just Dance Wii game?!!!