Church and Credit Cards

I tried to make it through church today. My parents wanted to visit West Cabarrus. HeeJun and I attended West Cabarrus for three years. In the past two years, we had been attending Rocky River. Just walking into the church where HeeJun and I were baptized and met so many wonderful friends, brought back memories and tears. I started sobbing uncontrollably pretty much immediately. Yep, I was that girl in the back crying. People around probably that I was being convicted by the Holy Spirit. The preacher started preaching and, of course, the sermon was on divorce. SERIOUSLY? I think God might be playing a joke on me, or just not like me very much.

I could not make it through the lessons on what a marriage should look like, so yes, we were those people who got up in the middle of the sermon and left. I am amazed at how fast and uncontrollable tears come. Even at times when I am really not thinking about things, my heart and body are sad. I do find that sometimes I am saying the same story so many times that after the first time of crying over it, it is easier to say. Well, at least I took one step toward going back. I was not crying out of anger, but out of sadness. I miss HeeJun. Church and praising God just remind me of him so much. His love reflects God's love. He reflects God. Seeing others worship and praise God just made my heart hurt more. Will that ever stop?

I paid all our bills the other day. Since I can not get into the account that has all the $$$ in it, I could not pay the credit card in full, which is fine. HeeJ would have been mortified but, who cares right now, right? Well, after checking my bank statement it appears that HeeJun signed up for automatic withdrawal for our credit card a couple of weeks ago. REALLY?! So, the credit card company took out all my money. I have no idea why HeeJun would sign up for automatic withdrawal and am under the impression that someone has made a big mistake. All I know is HeeJun is pacing right now, saying "the 1st time you are in charge of the money and you put us in debt!

A dear friend Steve sang and played this on his guitar for HeeJun's memorial service. I felt such a calm and peace while listening and singing along with him.

"Praise You In This Storm"- Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Friends and Babies

My sister in law and I went over to HeeJun's best friends house for dinner the other night. They have adorable babies (Sassy is my God-daughter) and wonderful food and friendship! I thought I wouldn't feel sad there (how can you be sad around such sweet children) but the minute Matt walked in, just hearing his voice, made my heart ache for HeeJun. Matt and HeeJ have so many memories together. My favorite memory (and I hate that it will just be a memory now) is that HeeJun and Matt always made special sauce wings for the Super Bowl every year. I don't think we ever missed a year since high school. I think Matt and HeeJun's Super Bowl parties go even farther back than that. So much of Our Love Story has Matt in it. He was always there for HeeJ.

Seeing the beautiful babies and hearing about friends who are expecting is a weird kind of happiness for me. Of course, honestly, I am jealous. I don't even think jealous describes my feelings exactly. Jealousy is a negative word. Seeing my friends children and hearing of their expected babies brings me joy, but makes my heart hurt. HeeJun and I wanted children so badly. We wanted a big family. We tried for years. It seems like it would have been so easy for God to just make that happen, right. There was about 3 days after HeeJun's crash that I thought I was pregnant. This was not the plan. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

And on a funny note; I went to the bank the other day to figure out HeeJun's accounts. Seriously, I never saw HeeJun write a check ever. Everything was online and I didn't know any of the codes. MAKE A WILL, PEOPLE! RIGHT NOW! So, at the bank the lady started out very sweet and kind. She held my hand and gave me a hug while I cried. Tears come at the weirdest times. But then, she wanted to know details about his accident. Was it his fault, was he speeding? I told her no it was not his fault and he was not speeding, he was very careful, and I whispered that it was a tree. She said "that will do it"!!!! I know I should have been infuriated that she was such a ignorant I-D-I-OT (as HeeJun would say) but it made me laugh later on. So, every body make a will, so your loved ones won't have to listen to stupid people.