Juneau The Dog

This week my mom and I went to the Humane Society of Charlotte and adopted a dog. I have a contact who provides Pet Therapy to my kids at work and also works for the Humane Society. She was able to pick out two for me to check out. It was a very overwhelming experience. For obvious reasons, it was hard to not adopt ever single one of those dogs. It was also heartbreaking and scary for me to take this dog home. HeeJun loved loved loved dogs. Dogs loved him right back. They had an understanding. My parents' dog, Gabby, loved him more than anything when he was around. He let her have freedom and would pet her all day. Once, just once, Gabby snapped at HeeJun when he was trying to save a bone from her- Her mouth was getting all blooody and messed up from how hard she was chewing on it. HeeJun was appalled that she would do such a thing, and Gabby seemed to feel ashamed. Cute. It would have been so wonderful to see him as a Dad. Incredible.

I digress. It was so emotional for me to make a decision of which dog was going to come home with me, I finally turned to my mom and asked her. She cried. We picked an Australian Shepherd Mix. He is 6 years old and amazingly calm and loving. On the way home, I sobbed the whole way. I was so sad that HeeJun was missing this and it was also a huge reminder of all the changes taking place. This is the first big change since...and it was hard. It was also scary. I don't have HeeJun now to help me with this dog. I felt bad and guilty because adopting a dog should be a joyful and fun experience, but I could not give the dog that kind of welcome. He has been so great, though. I worried all night about him pooping in the house and he just went to sleep like "woman, I got this. I know what I'm doing." He is playful for about 10 minutes and then just wants to sleep next to me or sit right in my lap. I named him Juneau, after the city in Alaska that we recently visited. When I told my doctor a while ago that I was going to Alaska and that there was a hope that I might get pregnant there, I joked that we could name the baby Juneau. I know HeeJun would love this dog. I can imagine him running around our house having Juneau chase him, laughing.

Another Blog

Oh my! I just went to look at the blog the riders made with pictures of the memorial ride. Pretty incredible.


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Searching for the Truth

This weekend was really tough and draining for me. After work, I collapsed on the couch. My whole body ached from missing HeeJun. It is amazing how worn out I felt. The wonderful guys HeeJun rode with planned a memorial ride for HeeJun on Saturday. I planned to meet and greet them, but my body just would not let me. One of the courageous riders who gave HeeJun CPR that day, made a cross in his honor. They placed it at the crash site.

I also went on Saturday to my sweet God-daughter's birthday. Adorable and fun. But so hard. I held it together until the very end. There is so much joy and hope in little kids. I think everything fun from now on is going to be hard. It will be difficult to find the fun and happiness amidst all this sadness, knowing that HeeJun won't be there to share it with me. Seeing Matt and Amanda and their beautiful children made me ache for what I once thought was my future. HeeJun will never know or have that. Then I have to think, he has so much more now, right? He would have been going crazy too at her party. So many fun kids! It might have scared him off!

I also had to deal with some ridiculous estate and insurance stuff this weekend. MAKE A WILL!

So, with all this stuff going on around me, all I can think about it the Truth. I have been so confused by Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28 lately. " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I vaguely remember a sermon in college in which the pastor spoke that this verse in widely taken out of context in our culture and used incorrectly. After some studying, I learned that in this verse, the Lord is speaking directly to the exiles of that time. Although, it does speak of God's character, if you go down a couple more verses, we would have a much different view of our God if that verse was taken out of context. Imagine if "Behold, I am sending on them sword, famine, and pestilence, and I will make them like vile figs which are so bad they cannot be eaten. I will pursue them with sword, famine, and pestilence, and will make them a horror to all the kingdoms of the earth, to be a curse, a terror, a hissing, and a reproach among all the nations where I have driven them," was quoted as much as Jeremiah 29:11!

I am not questioning God's sovereignty. I simply am searching for the theology in these verses. Did God plan this or was it free will? Did he "work this together for the good of me"? I think, and this is only after a week of researching, that God is sovereign and did know this would happen. But He is not a cruel God. He did not plan this event specifically for "my good". I believe he will use it for "my good" and for the good of others HeeJun's life touched. I might not even see that good until I am with HeeJun and my Savior one day. Is that correct theology? Help me out here smart people.

This whole weekend I felt like I was speaking to HeeJun and God with a big cloud between us. I felt so far from both of them. I ran as quickly as I could to "his spot" when I got a chance and just let loose. My own little Scarlett O'Hara moments, wailing and sobbing, come often. After that, it was like everything was clearer and I felt at peace. HeeJun often joked about dying. He often said that people shouldn't be sad that he is gone, because he is in a way better place. "Better in one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere". However, I wonder if he would make light of his death, if he knew how much it hurts the ones left behind. He did not fear death and I am glad of that. But I don't think anyone can know the depths of despair and sorrow for those left behind. He probably would not have made light of death, if he had known. I am glad he never knew this feeling of grief.