wonders and ramblings

I wonder when I will be able to pass an accident on the road without becoming hysterical.

I wonder when my jaw will stop hurting from holding back the tears.

I wonder when it will be ok to shed one tear without it feeling like a dam will burst. I wonder when I decided my house is the safe place to cry. I wonder if he is standing by me when i imagine that he is there. is that just my imagination? I wonder when it will seem real. when will the gasping end? when will i be able to breathe again? i wonder when my brain decided to hold its breath? I wonder if i will ever be able to take a deep breath with friends without crying. I wonder what made me decide to hold in the tears, as if one tear will let an ocean through. i wonder if that little squeak and gasps of sobs will ever become familiar to me. i wonder when it will feel like he is not on vacation again. I wonder when I will start cooking again.

Some things have become easier. I don't need to go to the grave site anymore. The stone is now here and I didn't need to sit there for hours this time. Shopping at the Target that I was at while he was riding isn't so hard anymore. Watching his favorite shows doesn't take my breath away anymore. Holding babies doesn't make my heart ache as much anymore. Kids throwing peppers at me at work doesn't make me go into hysterics. I wonder when these things became easier. What made that happen?

Some things I have heard from other widows going through the faith issue; if God is the Author of this storm, it means He is either...
A. A punisher. He did this to punish me for disobeying him, for wishing others were dead. If that is the case, then how dare I miss HeeJun or be sad for HeeJun. Because then, all this is my fault.
B. A disciplinarian. God wanted to grow my character. If that is the case, I'm growing into someone I don't even recognize now.
C. Maybe He thought this life would be better for me...(like Edward Cullen in New Moon, yes, I'm a dork and yes, I just compared God to a vampire. Watch out for lightning soon.) But some people say or think maybe God had better plans for you. Really? Drinking frappes hourly, and seeing friends more often, and having the good side of the bed, and watching my shows without interruption is absolutely not better than having my husband near, here.
D. God is in control and still loves me, and cares for me, and hurts with me. That is a hard one to digest sometimes, but if I keep holding onto that, even when it seems that He is all the other things, maybe it will become easier to believe. I am starting to read Believe by Jennifer Silvera. I think it's going to be very comforting and will help me hold onto the Truth.