Deeper Still

This weekend I attended the Deeper Still Conference with Beth Moore, Kay Arthur, and Priscilla Shirer. My incredible friend/hair stylist was so generous and kind to hook me up with these tickets. It was so encouraging and comforting to see and hangout with my Crusade friends again.

I arrived at the conference with a very snobby heart. "look at all these little white woman, all looking the same in their perfect little haircuts and capris. What do they know about hurt?" I was so wrapped up in my circumstances, I could not see beyond that. It's so hard still to see beyond my pain, but God is slowly knocking down those walls.

During Kay Arthur"s talk, she reminded me that we can Fix Our Eyes on Jesus in horrible times, because He is the Author and Perfecter of our Faith. I can HOLD FAST to His Hope and promises. I have to remind myself of that daily, hourly. HeeJun had a shirt that said Cross Eyed on the front and on the back said "Fix your eyes on Jesus". He knew.

During the worship and music, I could barely breathe I was crying so hard. I was trying not to let the sobbing through, clenching my shivering jaw, because I was surrounded by people and my little squeaks and sobs are kind of embarrassing. But man, I was feeling it. The sadness, the loneliness, just missing HeeJun, but also grateful that I have a God who loves me, cares for me, and can give me strength. All kinds of crazy emotions.

Of course, they had a call to come to the front for prayer. As I was watching all the ladies walk to the front, I vividly had a memory of HeeJun. We were at church once and the pastor had an altar call. One of our friends went up because they were struggling with infertility. i remember being so sad for them, and HeeJun said "they'll be fine. Jesus is Faithful". I could almost hear him saying that again as those hundreds of thousands of ladies walked to the front of the stage. I could almost hear him saying that to me, as I sobbed in my chair.

This might be one of the reasons, it still feels like HeeJ is here. I hear him all the time. Like I just had a conversation with him. weirdo.

Pricilla Shirer blew my mind. If you ever get a chance, listen to her! She reminded me that I have a God who is ABLE to do immeasurable more than I can ever think or imagine. Beyond the beyond. When I am lonely, He is able. When I am sad, He is Able. When I am confused or scared or hurting, He is Able to do immeasurable more than I can even imagine.

As we were singing Holy Holy Holy (my snobbiness for contemporary Christian music was silently scoffing inside), I had this overwhelming sense, or just a thought, that was saying, "Erica, you are so consumed with your circumstances, you are forgetting that He is Holy. He has always been and will always be Holy, regardless of your circumstances." Umm..even my snobby attitude couldn't hold back the tears on that one.

During Beth's talk I felt a sadness and maybe even a pressure for my friends and family who do not know this Love that is deeper, higher, wider and stronger than anything. Yes, this God is the Author of where my life is now. It's a weird thing. I am struggling myself with the "why's" and the "does God love me" and the "how could He do this", but I still feel so much "ugh-ness" for people who don't know, don't really have this mysterious relationship with Jesus. Because for all my weakness, all my sadness, all my desperation, I would be 100 times more sad, lonely, confused and hurt if I didn't know Jesus.

Fo Shizzle.