One year

Now what...?

this weekend I purposely planned to engage in life- the easy thing for me is to stay in bed. It's so easy to just close the blinds, turn off the phone and lay in bed all day wallowing. but i needed to get out and do things. Live. It's what HeeJ did. It took energy and alot of clenched teeth to hold back tears, but I went to the beach with my amazing sister and wonderful friends from my childhood. comfort and distractions.

God decided to distract me in many ways- I got my first speeding ticket. (yes, mom, I didn't tell you because you would worry). Speed trap! I started crying when I told the officer that of all days I would get a ticket on the anniversary of my husband's death. "sorry to hear that ma'am. Here's your ticket for $185."

I also was involved in a ocean rescue. Very Baywatch. If you don't know how to swim, don't plan your family reunion at the beach where no one in your family can save the drowning teenager! My lifeguard training came in handy only in that I yelled at the girl to put her feet down ("you can stand up!") and cried afterwards.

Those were the only tears I would shed that weekend. I don't know if it's because I am used to pushing the tears away, or fear of letting one slip leading to a river of tears. A friend said it might be because this is my "everyday", a year doesn't make it any harder or easier. Not crying kind of made me nervous. "what is wrong with me?!"this song has been stuck in my head...

i Know You Have A Little Life In You Yet

i Know You Have A Lot Of Strength Left

i Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show

i Should Be Hoping But I Can't Stop Thinking

all The Things I Should've Said That I Never Said

all The Things We Should Of Done That We Never Did

all The Things I Should've Given But I Didn't

oh Darling Make It Go

make It Go Away

give Me Them Back To Me

give That Little Kiss

give Me Your Hand

I watched old videos, worked on the scrapbook, journaled, wrote him a letter-barely any tears. Not the kind I was hoping for, the kind I have been missing. is it weird to want to lose it?

it almost feels like "ok it's been a year, now what?" In the back of my head maybe I thought he would come back or I would wake up now. i remember thinking that in the beginning; that i would wake up soon. i remember thinking there was no way I could make it another hour, another day, another week without HeeJun. Now i'm thinking, "crap, I have to go another year like this. crap. crap." I think i was starting to define myself and my life by the firsts this year. Just trying to make it to and through the next first. Now what? He's still gone. I still miss him. Still ache for him and my life back and our future. now what?

HeeJun told me now what last night. I was listening to the DVD that his biker buddy made for me with all his riding videos and pictures. HeeJ's favorite song "Move Along" came on. HeeJ used to blare this song all the time. I remember hearing him pull into the garage often with the music shaking the walls to the house.

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along Move along
When everything is wrong we move along
When everything is wrong, we move along

I never really listened to the words and I remember actually cringing from the thought of moving along in the beginning. It's like he was saying, "It's not move ON, it's keep moving. Keep living."