There is a time...

A time to Mourn and a time to dance...and a time to crash.

This weekend I found time to do all three. I find it interesting that God chose to put mourn and dance in the same lump, like laugh and cry. It makes the word mourn a VERB, an action where your whole body feels it, aches.

I have been going through HeeJun's clothes this week to make piles for a quilt that a new friend will be making for me. I have been doing this at night. So to those co-workers that I fussed at or lost my temper with, it wasn't you. To those callers that I seemed distant towards, it wasn't you. i had other stuff on my mind. you didn't know and i'm sorry i snapped at you.

I find that I think the most about "that day" and about HeeJun and about my future, the what shoulda been's and the why's, while I am driving. Especially on the 2 and a half hour drive to family. My mind just races and meanders and slows down and wanders to thoughts of him and "that day". So when I get to my destination, I am zonked and crashing. so many thoughts. just racing through my mind. memories of that day haunt me.

This weekend, I danced. In a circle with my "ladies of '98" just like we used to do. Dancing and belting out the words to song as loud as we could.

HeeJ would have hated this weekend. He hated dancing. He didn't drink. He didn't like getting dressed up and talking to people. he would have complained the whole time, been appalled at what i was eating, not drank, and not danced with me. Man, i wish he had been there.