Chillin' with Lemonade!

I logged on today without any idea of what I would write about. There are some nay things going on in my head and heart. Is it a sign of healing that I don't feel the need to blog about all of it? In the beginning, getting those feelings out was one of the bigger sources of comfort. Or maybe it is because there a million things I could write about, but i have no idea how to narrow it all down.

• I finding it harder and harder to feel lately. To fake the smiles and to care. Not in a depressive kind of gloomy way. A good friend (you rock) described it perfectly. My threshold for feelings and pain is way way way up there, so any other news or sad story just doesn't faze me much.


• Again, I set my alarm to make it to church, and yet again, didn't go. I had a dream last night that HeeJun was here, back, in my dream. I knew in my dream what had happened. It made sense in my brain to have him here though. In this dream he was furious at me. He was yelling at me because I was drinking coffee, eating ice cream, not working out, spending money, drinking wine, not cleaning the house, not doing laundry, gaining weight. These are all the things we argued about in our marriage. In my dream, I wanted him gone so I could enjoy all that stuff again. WHAT THE HELL?!?! I woke up crazy. I felt like I had to go back to sleep and find him again so I could apologize and say "no, no no, I don't want you gone. i would rather have you here. Come back. Come back". But I couldn't go back to sleep and couldn't pull myself out of bed to get to church. I also know that it was just a dream. But seriously, he would be furious at what my life has become.

• I want to start a scholarship in HeeJun's honor for Campus Outreach's Christmas Conference. I have this vision to have a big dinner ride and raise money for a college kid to go to the conference. It's where HeeJun accepted Christ. He wanted to be the kind of man that a kid could come to for financial support and he could give it. I have no idea where to start.
• I need to start selling his motorcycle stuff. No idea where to start.
• I might get a second weekend job. YMCA, maybe...I need $. But i love sleeping in and coming home to my dog. Getting Juneau was the smartest thing and best thing I could have done. he is the perfect dog for me.



• I'm really craving a good hamburger. Oh, and a LongHorn shrimp appetizer. And On The Border Chips. it's hard for me to go to places alone, and to justify spending the money. I know I could call a friend to go with me, but what if they're busy? I don't want them to feel pressured or guilty. Man, I would love a burger right now. mmmm...and some good Korean BBQ.


• To the man at the stoplight who thought I was insane: I apologize for scaring you. I had to throw my hands up and start dancing. You would understand if you knew all the things going on in my head. My brain came to a boiling point and I just had to break it down to let it out.