Sunday, September 26, 2010

Father, HEAL!

"When I lay my questions before God I get no answer. But rather a special sort of No answer. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waiving the question. Like, "Peace, my child, you don't understand."- C.S. Lewis

I do not understand why another friend in my life sustainers circle is hurting. I do not understand why her husband, at the age of 29, with a 2 year old and 5 week old, became so ill that he is on life support. I do not understand why things like this keep happening to this group. Should we break up? Are we bad luck for each other? NO! God knew when he put us together 7 years ago that we would need each other. Because I do understand my friend's weeping. I do understand her struggle to find a breath. I do understand the numbness and pain, not being able to sleep, not wanting to be alone, having to be reminded to eat.

I also understand true rejoicing. I know that this group will be together and support each other, bring food, spend the night, love on each other through the pain. Yet, we will also REJOICE when the babies are born after years of struggling, the parents are brought home after being displaced, the joy returns after a brother dies, the cancer is gone, a widow elopes, and BRIAN is healed! We will Hope and trust in His faithfulness. We will rejoice.

Brian- We are not accepting new members into this club. Liz is not allowed to join. Keep fighting. You are being prayed for continually. We love you all lots!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Forever - Rascal Flatts [HD][Lyrics]


i had a memory today at church.

A few years ago, HeeJun and I were at church and during the altar call, two of our friends went up. they were struggling to get pregnant. i remember watching them praying and crying for them. my heart broke for them. HeeJun turned to me, so calmly, so confident, so faithful and said "they'll be ok". He had such a faith. He knew God would be faithful to them.

They now have two incredible, awesome, fun and adorable boys.

The motorcycle talk

Ah, yes. The motorcycle talk. It's not fair that I hate them so much now. It's not fair that my body cringes when I see one or see a helmet or even hear one. It's not fair that tears stream down my face when I just imagine my boyfriend riding one now. Just imagining him in a helmet sends me into a wave of panic. It's not fair that just hearing about my friends riding makes me sick to my stomach. I hear it and immediately put up a wall. "Don't get close, Erica. You might get hurt. They might die". It's not fair that when I make future plans, I think
"unless we die". It's not fair that when my boyfriend says "that always reminds me of you", I say "good. if I die, you'll have something to always think of me". It's not fair that everytime I see a motorcycle I see HeeJun in the casket, his neck all swollen and makeup cracked. Dead. Dead. Dead.

I hear the arguments, "you can't live your life in fear" or "you could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die" or "at least he died happy" and I cry BULLSHIT! Motorcycles are dangerous, but also I have a valid excuse to be terrified of them. Trauma can mess you up. And I know, I know, I know HeeJun would have much rather lived, then "died happy". If we had known...if he had known...

It's not fair, but such is my life.

A post from a rider

A rider who was there that day posted this on a bike forum. It's nice to hear about the smile...

"It was good to see some familiar faces again, it's been way too long.It's been over 2 years since Heejun died on a ride I organized and can honestly say a day hasn't passed that I don't think about it. It was a spectacular day in early August, not a cloud to be seen and surprisingly cool for that time of year. The trip up old 18 was fast and effortless, I could easily imagine everyone smiling in their helmets as we made our way north. In Morganton while waiting at a stoplight, Heejun put his kick stand down and adjusts the shock. I've seen him do stuff like that before and found it amusing, always adjusting and tweaking. The ride up 181 was one of the best in memory, almost no traffic with lots of knee dragging fun. Fast, but controlled, not crazy in any way. I recall the look on his face while pulling his helmet off, it was one of those smiles you couldn't suppress if your life depended on it. He said that was the best run up the mountain ever!The trip down started out as usual but oddly I didn't see Heejun in my mirror, Jay was behind me and Brian behind him. As we made our way down the mountain the pace picked up and soon we were engrossed in the task at hand. Jay and I made it all the way down before realizing we were alone and headed back up and got the grim news. When Rob told me what had happened my first reaction was disbelief, nothing seemed real. I called Kirk (another of our riding friends) to tell him what happened and asked if he could get over their house before the police show up. While nothing can prepare you for news like that, getting it from a total stranger is especially cruel. I'm glad Kirk made it there to help soften the blow.I've ridden with Heejun many times and we did a number of track days together in the 2 years I've known him. There were times when he pissed me off, and of course there were plenty of times I returned the favor He was stubborn and opinionated and in many ways a carbon copy of my personality so conversational sparks would fly occasionally. The Heejun I knew was a huge advocate of wearing proper gear but was an even bigger advocate of riding fast, and controlled with a knee firmly planted whenever possible. And THAT is why we rode together, it was just so damn much fun. Godspeed my friend... "

Friday, September 3, 2010

Memorial Ride

Check out these pictures:

Last Saturday several incredible people went on a memorial ride to visit the accident site. I was able to go this year. The past two years, it was just too hard. This year, though, I know these people. Do you know the movie Varsity Blues? There is a moment where the crazy little brother says "these are my people". I feel that way with these guys. They have adopted me and I adore them.

My sister, Brittany, arrived at the meeting spot first. She texted me and said, "take a deep breath before you see everyone. I almost threw up". This was the first time I think that she got to see everyone in all their gear and all their bikes. It can be overwhelming. For me, it's what I know. This used to be my life.

It was actually fun to see everyone. I brought Moorea for comic relief and something to hold onto as we approached mile marker 22. At the spot, some shared memories of HeeJun. We took pictures and cleaned up the spot. The beautiful cross is still there, and I think will always be there. My little dinky red cross has seen better days. One day, I will bring a hammer up and take it down. I took the picture down this time. It was getting so tattered and faded.

I asked Doug if there was anyone on the ride that was there on That Day. I wanted to hear their stories. I find comfort in hearing how other people found out or what happened on that day. I like to hear that I wasn't the only one who got the crap kicked out of them on that day. That Day changed many people's lives forever, not just mine.

It was getting a little too emotional and hard for me to hold it together, so when everyone else went for lunch, the boyfriend and I went for a hike. Note to self: the waterfall trail is not below the mile marker 22. That trail is ridiculously hard! But a good way to focus on trying not to pass out while going up a steep slope, instead of thinking about HeeJun's tear.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Meeting the Parents

A few weekends ago my boyfriend came home with me to meet the parents. I am used to intertwining HeeJun and the boyfriend into my home here, but I did not expect the emotions that came up to happen at my parents house. It was a weird feeling. It was the first time I have felt like I was cheating on HeeJun. My parents house is where HeeJun and I pretty much grew up together. I was able to acknowledge these feelings and talk about them with Thee Boyfriend.

There was a moment, though, that I was up in my old bedroom and Thee Boyfriend was downstairs. In that bedroom is a picture of me and HeeJun on our wedding day. There was a moment where I wanted to take that picture and just lie on my old bed all day and cry. It would have been so easy. To just lie there and remember and be swallowed up in my grief forever. Instead I looked at the picture of HeeJun and said out loud, "I love you. I will always love you and miss you. But you left me. I have this incredible man downstairs who I love, too. My heart is big enough. And I am strong enough to walk downstairs and embrace this life while holding onto the life I had with you, too". I had to say it and I had to push myself to take those steps downstairs.

Not easy but you gotta fight for Joy.