Monday, May 31, 2010


If you ever get a chance to see Wicked, GO! It will change the way you view life! "Toss, toss, heeheehee!"


"Because humor brings us back to earth, it helps us to use well what is left to us even when we are keenly aware of what we have lost or been denied. Only those who know how to weep can also laugh heartily."-Kathleen R. Fischer

I laugh at my parents' dogs!

I laugh as my family plays Wii!

I laugh at roller derby!

I laughed at 6 dogs in my house!
I laugh often at work. Let me give you an example. Perhaps, you need some laughter today, too.

One of the classrooms made a list of the language used in their classroom. They call it Cub-bonics, since their kids are the Cubs.

Wook! he frew the ball at me free times.

needer my brudder or my stister or my mudder brokedid or cussdid. are you insturated or do you anore me?
Let's eat wallamellon or wash tb wis ms stuperstar darmarow.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Dark before the Morning

A beautiful and kind friend of mine posted this song on her blog. I haven't stopped playing it yet. It's the Hope of my heart.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

SoulWidows article

So proud to be part of SoulWidows and to be a friend of Elizabeth.

You may ask for my autograph later!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Abandoned and Adopted

I have been abandoned by some. Abandoned by people who should be here. People who said they would be here. HeeJun would be so disapointed.

Yet, I have been adopted by many. People who stepped up. People who I barely knew before. People who wrap their arms around me and are there. HeeJun would be so proud.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Biting my tongue

Some comments I would have like to make on people's facebook status' include:

"Welcome to my world."

" Trade ya"

"Lucky Bi-otch"

"Pin a rose on your nose".

"I'd give anything to be you."

"Somebody call the Wahhhh-mbulance."

" Want some cheese with the whine?"

I could put some people in their places or make them appreciate what they have...I'll just bite my tongue for now.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Thanks Supa for sharing this.


Today one of my old students stopped by with her new baby. She is only 16. A mess. It broke my heart. Anger, fear, sadness, jealousy all swept through me.

We use interventions at my work that deals with the effect of trauma and neglect on the developing brain as an infant/child. Check out

it's not freaking fair.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


You're having fun, enjoying the day...and then...


I remember.

Ocho De Mayo Fiesta

These days it's hard to find a neighborhood where everyone knows each other, takes care of each other, walks into other houses without knocking, kids running from one house to another, and everyone has fun together. People talk about growing up in that kind of neighborhood and missing that experience. Well, I live in that kind of neighborhood.

My next door neighbors and I decided to host a Block Party this weekend. It was a fun way to introduce Brittany to the neighbors and get everyone together. We were also challenged to throw a better party than the one down the street!

Moorea loves being the center of attention!

Moe's delivered- a little early, but the food was good! Delivery guy, Preston, said the party wouldn't last too long, since it was so hot. Wrong! The last neighbor didn't leave 'til 1:30am!
Pinata fun! Corn Hole!

Once thing I have learned about myself through all this grieving and loss stuff, is that I really like be around people. I like to party! I know, who am I?! HeeJun never really liked the social scene. He would have rather been at home watching a movie, or riding his motorcycle with friends. And I just liked spending time with him. But now, I'm learning that I enjoy these kinds of things. HeeJun would have hated it. I love it!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Could it stay afternoon forever?

Mornings suck. Always have. But without HeeJun, they suck even worse. It takes every fiber of my being to put one foot in front of the other and get out of bed. My soul screams, "no! don't go to work. don't get up!". But I take a deep breath, hug my dogs, and drag myself out of bed.

Afternoons are much better. Work is an incredible distraction. I smile. I laugh. I ENJOY. Sometimes, it gets overwhelming because I think people have forgotten that I am still hurting. I even got a "when are you going to stop playing to widow card" comment. Insert downward spiral into panic attack here. But most afternoons are bearable.

My sister moved in with me. It's so great having someone in the house to watch tv with, and to talk to, and to go hiking with, and play together. i was so lonely. it's been wonderful. We have 4 dogs, a cat and a lizard in the house now. One massive dog fight so far. I am sure more are to come. Juneau is obsessed with the cat, so we called Bark Busters to come help.

I joined a dating website. I know. On Valentines Day this year, I was praying hard about " am i ready". I'm so lonely and just miss companionship and flirting. Oh, sweet flirting. On the flight back from Alabama on V-Day, it was just me and this one guy in the security line. I smiled. He smiled. He was in my waiting area. Came over and started a conversation. He sat next to me on the plane. Asked me to walk him to his next flight. I walked away wanting to give someone a huge HIGH FIVE. I did it! I carried a 2 hour long conversation with a guy! I flirted a bit! I did it! I can do this! If the guy wasn't such a weirdo (he said we were soulmates within 5 minutes and talked about his rocket ship pretty much the whole time) it would have been a great story, right?

So, i took that day as an answer that Yes, I am ready for this. Putting myself out there has brought up so many emotions related to my grief. I was/am so mad that i have to do this. So mad that I am lonely. I mean, I had it. I had the companionship and the love right there. i thought i was done with this. That anger comes out as confidence on dates and talking to guys, so I guess that's a plus. But the loneliness and missing HeeJun is only intensified now.

Nights are the worst. The worst of the worst. I dread going to bed. My mind starts replaying that day, replays the feelings I have now, starts missing him, aches and hurts. I still gasp when I realize this is real. That he isn't coming back. 20 months, and my brain still hasn't wrapped my mind around it. Then I try to push that gasp aside. I don't have the energy to deal with that emotion yet. I don't have the time. I have to get to sleep. Or I have to get to work. Or I have to keep talking to friends. So, I acknowldge the "gasp". Yes, it still hurts like crazy and takes my breath away that he is gone. Acknowledge and keep going until later.

If only it could stay afternoon forever.

7 year itch

Shoulda, woulda, coulda been 7 years...
May 3rd, 2003