Monday, December 29, 2008

4 barking dogs, 3 duck hunters, 2 long hikes and one grieving wife

This Christmas many wonderful and fun things happened. Things I would have loved last year. This year all those wonderful things seemed to be blanketed by my sadness. It really was like this dark cloud was sucking all the life out of everything. My mind kept racing with just HeeJun's name, or I wish HeeJun was here, or gasps that I CAN NOT ACCEPT AND BELIEVE THIS IS REAL. Ugh. It sucked for my poor family. And probably for my friends. Even when talking to them it is like having to talk through cement, things just don't come out quickly. I used to not be like this. I feel bad for the people I have met during this time. I'm a totally different person going through all this. But, some good things did happen, that I do want to remember. I started to look back on things that happened in August and I literally can't remember them. Weird what numbness will do.

I went to Raleigh on the 22nd and got to visit my sweet God-daughter and her wonderful family, my fun and adorable cousins, recuperating Jacquie and my in-"love" family. (Thanks to April for sharing that term with me!) Caedmon and Sav are so cute. I just wanted to give them everything. I could give Caed a piece of scrap paper and he would light up, "wow! I love this!" It warms my heart. I got to have a sleep-over with my 6 year old cousin, who is brilliant and so fun. She woke me up in the morning at 6:45am with "Wake up. It's a brand new day!"

Snuggle Time with the Cousins!
Iain hiding his presents from his siblings!

Baby Eric-go, baby go!
The E- team; Eric and Erica!

My parents, Gabby the dog, Juneau the dog and I drove the 10 hours to Gunterville, Alabama for Christmas. We stayed in a cabin on the lake. We got to wake up to the sweet sound of shotguns since it was duck season. We ate at the beautiul State Park Lodge and went on long hikes. Brittany met us there since she only lives about an hour away. She brought her crazy dogs. Poor Kimba had to stay by her side most of the time because she didn't play well with others. We got stuck in a rain storm, and we got "lost" on a hike and ended up having to go up this incredibly steep hill. We watched lots of movies, ate Honey Baked Ham, and enjoyed spending time with each other. If only HeeJun was there...
Funk or Fu*%?

Juneau was ready to go!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

First regret of blog posting

Oops. I must have been in a very bad place when I wrote that last post. Geez. i really am not that cynical and negative. Well, I once was not that cynical and negative. Maybe that was the angry phase of grief talking. I know dogs, in-laws and people can be a pain (Do I ever!), so who am I to tell someone not to complain. Geez. Open mouth, insert foot.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I am a Superwoman

"Even when I'm a mess, I still put on my vest, with an "S" on my chest. Oh yes, I'm a Superwoman. Yes, I am".

Helping me get through today.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Time to wake up now.

I feel like I have two lives going on right now- two worlds inside one mind. (Therapist said I'm not crazy and that is normal) Last week I was in the woods all week training to be a ropes course facilitator and laughing and having fun with my co-workers. I can put on a smiling face at work, put on my crazy Santa hat and smile. But then driving home, or sitting on the couch, or laying in bed I just lose it. My mind has been rerunning that day over and over lately. I keep going over the doorbell ringing, and the troopers telling me what happened. I keep imagining what HeeJun must have been thinking or feeling. I keep wondering why he shed a tear. These thoughts mostly come at night, or when I'm driving. But then I can switch it off. But sometimes it takes my breath away. I literally gasp. Church is the worst. Will I ever feel that joy again? I can't believe this is happening. I feel like I should be able to wake up soon or pop a bubble and it will all be a dream.

I went to a young widow's grief group last week. What a strange blessing. It was so comforting to sit with these ladies that knew what I was going through. You are glad to meet them, but hate that you had to meet them. It was strange to hear from the ladies who had lost their spouse one or two years ago, and were able to smile and put up Christmas decorations this year. Will I be like that one day? It was comforting to see that when I mentioned in-laws or money situations, they knew where I was coming from. They all said that the first year was a blur. I wonder if they realized in that year that is was going to be a blur. Because I feel like I am feeling every emotion painfully and acutely. I just "happened" (GOD) to sit next to a lady who lost her husband in a motorcycle accident 14 months ago. Almost the same exact story. Strange.

I have been reading old journals at night. Last night I read my old one from college, right before HeeJ and I were engaged. It is so weird to read. How in love I was with Jesus. How much I trusted Him with our relationship. It's funny to read about some of the things HeeJun and I worried about. Those silly things really didn't matter. And I loved HeeJ so much. I was so consumed with marrying him, but I wanted to have my focus on Jesus. Geez. I found one thing ironic. I prayed one night that HeeJ and I would get married, he would have a great job, I would find a job working with kids, and then we would have babies.

This week has really been destroying me. The holidays are pretty much kicking my bootie and leaving me for stink. My thoughts have been rampant with what was going on last year at this time. At this time last year, I was puking my guts out because I was pregnant. We were trying to hide it from his parents until Christmas. We were so excited to give them their magnets and ornaments that said "we are grandparents". I remember taking the pee test just because- i didn't think i was pregnant, i just hoped. When the stick turned colors I ran into HeeJ's office and put the pee test in his face (gross) and said "what is this? what does that say?" I just couldn't believe it. I kinda thought it would never happen, because we had been trying so long. I remember having the potluck at work before Christmas break. that was the first day I puked puked puked. And everyone guessed. ugh. this year it was supposed to be like that again. I was supposed to be pregnant after our trip to Alaska. I would be 4 months now. With Hayden Jonas or Lila Piper. We would be announcing it at Christmas. He would still be here. He would be here helping me buy presents, arguing with me about the cost of presents, excited about putting on the Santa hat, excited about picking out the gag gift for his sister, laughing at me while I tried to put the lights up, getting excited over the stockings, complaining about the food, but eating all of it, loving me. It's not supposed to be like this. Damn.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Bah- Humbug

Today in church we sang Christmas carols. AHHHH! I have been avoiding all things Christmas since Halloween, turning the radio stations, no decorations, no shopping. At work I have to put on the happy face and plan the Holiday crafts and tree lighting, but I really thought I could avoid the Holiday spirit in other aspects of my life. But couldn't run out of church today. And then I heard the wind chimes on the Angel tree ringing (wind chime remind me of HeeJ), and I remembered the times that HeeJun would look at me in church and ask me why I wasn't singing. Back then it was because I have a horrible voice and did not want to subject the people around me to my toneless singing. But HeeJ would say "so" and give me the stink eye. I felt like he was doing that again. "Woman, sing. It's not about you or your circumstances. Sing". Then Pastor J said "God is Love, God is with us and God is for us" in his sermon. He was speaking mainly on that we should remember these things during Christmas time. My mind knows that. My mind knows that God loves me and God is with me. And sometimes I hope that He is holding me and carrying me. But then my heart wants to argue, if You love me, then You sure have a funny way of showing it. Lots of tears in church today. Bah- Humbug.

We...I also have a new neighbor. This has caused a dilemna. Such a simple thing, but now I have to face the questions of "how do I introduce myself, who I am now?" I have been avoiding new situations, stayed at my job, stayed at my church, stayed with friends, all these people know who I was before and they know what I am going through. But how do I define myself now? Will I one day have to change my Facebook profile to widow? What do I do with my wedding ring? What do I do with his clothes? Do I sign my name Mrs.? Do I still make jokes about being Asian? Do I still like watching Motorcycle races? Do I still read John Piper? Who will this new neighbor, or new job, or new friends...who will I be to them? Bah- humbug.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

"You done made me have to count to 10!"

What a weird week! It seems like I can go through the week normally and then save all the crying and stuff for the weekends. It almost felt like HeeJun was on vacation this week. I actually found myself enjoying time friends. I found myself dancing. Thank goodness for Britney, Rihanna and Beyonce. Whenever I am driving and it gets too hard, I just blare their songs and it gets easier to wipe the tears away.

I met for dinner with friends this week, new and old. It is so encouraging talking to them. So comforting. No one gives me advice or tells me it will be o.k. They are just there for me, just praying for me. It's nice. Little night lights in the darkness.

When people do try to say things to make it better, I want to ask, "do you know how it feels to have the Troopers show up at your door while you are unloading groceries, do you know what it feels like to hear your family screaming on the phone, to wake up and wish it was a nightmare, to feel numb, to not know how to define yourself now, to have your whole life change, to feel like a part of you is missing, to miss someone so deeply...?, then I might listen to what you have to say.

An epiphany; I have recently got back in touch with my old college rommates. There were 5 of us living in this crazy house next to Dominoes. I call it the cursed house because we had some crazy times there. I lost touch with 3 of them and through all this they have either reached out to me or I have found them. All of them are either pregnant or just had a baby. Seriously, all 4 of them. At first it made me want to scream, Why not me, and indulge in a pity party of ice cream. Then a friend reminded me of a quote by Mother Teresa, "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much". It made me think, well, maybe it's good that this happened to me, because I can handle this. Maybe other people couldn't. And I would not wish this on anyone. Another thing that friend reminded me of is that God sometimes uses trials to remind our own selves how much Faith we have. God knows how much Faith I have. it's me who has to remember.

The Title of this post is a funny story that happened Friday. I just wanted to remind myself that I can laugh. As Miranda said in SATC, "You will laugh when something is really funny". In the pool on Friday, one of my rascalls tried to punch another kid for splashing and I totally lost it. I was so mad, I turned around and yelled "You done made me have to count to 10!" All the kids in the pool got quiet, ( I think some of them probably peed in the pool) and then one said, " I love when you get like that Miss Erica. Your face turns red".