Friday, February 27, 2009

the in between place

Have you ever watched Hook? There is a line in the movie when Tinkerbell tells Peter that she exists in the place between sleep and awake. That is how I have been feeling. Kinda.

Maybe I shouldn't read people's blogs anymore or facebook status'. I just end up either so sad or so bitter. Last night after reading all these, I just couldn't grasp that this was my life and those other posts were going on. That babies were being born, and people were having dinner with their husband, or going for walks, or celebrating parties. I had a notion that that was my life, too. I couldn't wrap my brain around that it wasn't. I know it doesn't make sense. I mean, reality is right in front of me. But the brain can be funny. Sometimes I feel like I can't figure out which life is real. Did the life I had, the love I had with HeeJun really happen? Was all that real? Is all this real? Each life, I realized, are so different. Drastically. So sometimes, it feels like I have been doing this life forever. Then I realize, no, i did have something more before...
I used to wake up in the dark with HeeJun by my side. i used to have to get up on the 2nd alarm so i wouldn't wake up HeeJun. This life, I hit the snooze for an hour before i roll out of bed and turn on the light.
i used to get dressed in the closet and blow dry my hair and put on makeup in the spare bedroom while HeeJun slept. this life, i do it all in the bathroom with the light on and blaring the music.
i used to eat breakfast. this life, i rush and eat cheerios in the car, while putting on makeup in the car.
i used to have HeeJun laying on my left to wake me up when i was sleep walking. now i sleep on his side (just started doing that) and who knows how much i am sleep walking. I used to stress at work about getting home before him. this life, i try to stay at work as long as i can so i won't be alone in the house.
i used to not have a dog.
i used to not drink coffee every hour.
i used to work out at a gym.
i used to cook dinner for HeeJun and sit down at the coffee table to eat. this life, a bag of tostitos usually suffices. i used to not eat ice cream.
i used to call HeeJun at 4:30 every day on the way home.
i used to love siting at bookstores with HeeJun on Friday nights, reading magazines. I used to be able to read more than one paragraph a week in a book.
i used to have someone to make decisions with about traveling, money, taxes, churches...
i used to have someone to kiss.
i used to watch American Idol.
I used to love curling up next to HeeJun on the couch watching movies on weekends. Funny, I used to get mad that he had the better side of the couch. Now, i still sit on the bad end of the couch.
I used to love shopping while he was riding.
I used to go to On the Border every week with HeeJun.
I used to watch motorcycle racing.
I used to have another half.
I used to not know how to blog.
This life is so different. Which one is for real?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

These are lyrics from Watermark's song "Glory Baby". It's about her infant, but I hold onto this hope..

Miss you everyday Miss you in every way But we know there’s a day when we will hold you We will hold you You’ll kiss our tears away When we’re home to stay Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till we can hold you… You’ll just have heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

"Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God might grant them repentance leading them to the knowledge of the truth and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will." 2 Timothy 2:23

Fo shizzle.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Choking On My Anger

I am choking on my anger. i can feel it pressing against my chest, suffocating me. I am gasping for breath. I will not go into too much detail in this post, because although I try to write and use this as if it is a journal, I am aware that other people read it. I'm fuming with bitterness. seriously, didn't we have the money conversation, the ambush, 4 months ago? seriously!!! seriously?!!!!

ahhhhhhh ahhhhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhhh!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hope, Faith and lots of Ice Cream

With the help of Brittany, 2 crazy dogs, a snuggly cat, prayers, Hope, Faith and lots of ice cream (and one margarita) I made it through the 6th month mark. I still can't believe it has been 6 months. I can still hear the door bell ring and the trooper say the words, "it's bad". I can still hear my mom on the phone saying "we are on our way". I can still hear B and O screaming, beating the walls.

The plane rides to 'Bama were the worst. I could see HeeJun sitting in the place we waited for our Alaska flight. I could hear him grumbling at Delta when they double booked our flight. I could see him laughing at me while getting searched. Having to drive to the airport myself and park myself was terrible. Coming back to Charlotte with no one to greet me was awful. When I came back from Russia, he was there to greet me. I imagined I would see his feet coming into view as I rode the escalator. I almost had the thought that he would be there. It's weird how your mind can play tricks on you, kinda like pregnancy brain, but instead it's grief brain.

I came back with so many thoughts. I think I allowed myself to be so distracted with Brittany, which I needed. I do not think I could have bore it if I had not given myself that break. Some thoughts;
  • Without other prayers I think I would be curled up in a ball in the darkness. The prayers are felt daily, hourly,...
  • The future is such an inconsistent thought with me. Sometimes it scares the crap-ola out of me. Sometimes I think, ok, i can do this. I'm just in rewind, starting over. but most of the time i just can't imagine what life will be like without my HeeJuna.
  • I'm so mad now at motorcycles. widow makers. at first i was not. i was proud that HeeJun rode. i didn't want to blame the motorcycles. but now i just want to slap his friends that watched him die and are still getting on their bikes. i want to slap the little naive kids who think nothing will happen to them. HeeJ and I were the same way. He was safe, with all the gear, so we thought nothing will happen. He would say if "i die riding, at least i die doing something I love, or at least I am chilling with Lemonade in Heaven". BOLOGNA!!! We were so naive and stupid to think that this would not happen. and yet, his friends are still saying the same things and still riding, still thinking it will never happen to them. HeeJun would have never rode if he knew the hurt it was going to cause. Because this hurts. a lot. it hurts way more than the thrill of riding, or the...well, i was going it say it hurts more than the Hope/ Knowledge that he is with Christ, but that is not true. It hurts, but my Hope is stronger than the pain.

And on a funny note: I sleep walk and talk almost every night. Over Christmas, Brit and I shared a room and I must have slept walked over to her bed. It scared the crap out of her. Her screams scared me and almost made me faint. This past weekend we shared a room again. I must have sat up sleep walking and she thought I was a ghost or burglar. She started screaming, the kind of screams actors practice for in scary movies. Blood curdling! In my dream state I knew there was a girl screaming but I could not figure out who she was. I knew I had to calm her down or she was going to kill me. So I started saying "girl, it's me. calm down". Brit realized it was me and calmed down. We were talking about how scary that was and all I am thinking is "who the heck is this and how do I get out of here". I finally asked her "where is brittany?" and she realized i was still dreaming. isn't that crazy. i can still dream even though there is chaos around me. And this is the reason I do not own a gun. but if there are any robbers or burglars reading this, i do own a tazer and i am the master at restraining!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Always on my mind

Valentine's day will be the 6th month mark. 6 months. 6 months since the last time i saw my husband. 6 months since i thought HeeJun would be home soon from his ride. 6 months since i curled up next to HeeJun on the couch. 6 months since he patted me up the steps as i was falling asleep. 6 months since he didn't wake me up to say goodbye. still doesn't feel real. still feels like a dream. a nightmare. everyone said in the beginning that "time would heal all things", and looking back, i guess i am slowly starting to come out of the fog. i still feel guilty about that. maybe guilt isn't the right word. i just feel like if i am ok, than it means my hurt is forgettable. and i still hurt deeply. but i can get out of bed a little easier, dance a little longer, walk a little farther, laugh a little louder, (whoa, isn't that a song?).

I read these quotes from a friend's blog. Is she reading my mind?
" Instead of picking out nursery furniture, I was picking out my husband's casket". If i had it my way, right now I would be 6 months pregnant, not 6 months a widow.
"Most people cry out to God for Him to give them a ministry to reach others. I seem to be running from it." I cringe when i hear people sing or pray for God to "bring on the rain", or "break me". They have no idea. What I would give to be able to write a blog post about ordinary, every day things. I used to wish I had a more eventful life, interesting things to write about. boy, was i naive. I used to joke with HeeJun that i was going to start a blog just writing about The OC and Gilmore Girls being cancelled, or about So You Think You Can Dance. if only...

they asked me to start leading groups again at work. oh boy. they are in for quite an experience. i just don't know if i am there yet. i am unstable enough. dealing with unstable kids might just push us all over the edge. i might be running away, flinging feces, hopping on trains, and flipping over desks with my students. well, maybe not the flinging feces part. that's just gross.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

On My Mind

  • I have always had trouble sleeping. I sleep walk and talk and take showers in my sleep. Once I head-butted HeeJun in my sleep. Then I got mad at him and thought he did it. When I was little Noni used to put us to bed by saying goodnight to every body part. "Goodnight, head, Goodnight neck...". When I had trouble sleeping I would say goodnight to HeeJun's 10,000parts in my head. I memorized him. It still helps.

  • This is the last picture I took of HeeJun. He is so relaxed that he is even reading. The boy never read unless it was a magazine about motorcycles.

  • I got the "are you married" question for this first time on Thursday at work. Took me by surprise. I wasn't quite sure how to answer it. Don't worry. The kids at work answered for me. I love those goofy b$%*ards.

  • Do the "perfects" know that they are perfect? I bet they don't even realize how lucky they are...

  • I keep calling Juneau, HeeJun. Poor dog is going to have a complex. He is acting really happy and giddy today. Rolling around in the grass and enjoying the weather.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Shacking Up

HeeJun would have loved the weather today. I woke up this morning, (if you can call 12:30pm morning), and had a hard time getting out of bed. I knew it was going to be a beautiful day. I know HeeJun would have been out riding. He would have been itching all night to jump on his bike. He would have come back around 6pm exhausted but so happy. On my walk today there were so many motorcycles zooming by, waving at me, saying na-na-na boo boo. I still want to shake my fist at them and said "why not you?" Those stupid squids in their t-shirts and flip flops riding on streets. what makes them different? so sinful of me, right?

On to other things...I finished the Shack this week. Every one and their mama recommended it to me. It took me a while to embrace it. But I loved it. it brought me a Peace this week. I have been struggling these past weeks with knowing Christ's Truth and with my own hurt feelings. It has been so long since I actually prayed. I am hesitant to go to God. He knows that. I have told Him. I can say little prayers for others. I can lift up my friends in prayers, their babies, their ordeals. When I pray it is almost like a "you can't let anything else bad happen, understand?" But I can't talk to God about what is going on with me. I can ask Him to comfort me, I can scream at Him why, why, why, but I can't get down to the nitty gritty and talk to Him. I don't know if that comes from fear or anger or just plain hurt. I have been searching His Truth for answers or just verses that will comfort me. Psalms does nothing. They are more from a heart of someone who has enemies and is suffering by enemies hands. the Gospels don't help. Job; nothing. I need a verse just for me. Someone in the Bible who lost their husband and was struggling with Trust. Somewhere that it says, "Erica, I love you. I'm here." I have my Faith and I still hold onto His Hope. But..oh, I don't know.

So, the Shack really brought me some peace. I still struggle and am still not to the point of having that conversation, but here are some things that gave me little "He does love me, He is here" moments.

"You really don't understand yet. You try to make sense of the world in which you lived based on a very small and incomplete picture of reality. It is like looking at a parade through the tiny knothole of hurt, pain, self-centeredness, and power and believing you are on your own and insignificant. all of these contain powerful lies. you see pain and death as ultimate evils and God as the ultimate betrayer, or perhaps at best , fundamentally untrustworthy. You dictate the terms and judge my actions and find me guilty. the real underlying flaw in your life is that you don't think i am good. if you knew i was good and they everything- the means, the ends and all the processes of individuals lives- is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand, you would trust me. because you do not know that i love you, you can not trust me." pg 125

"My purpose from the beginning was to live in your and you in me" pg 112

" I know that your heart is full of pain and anger and confusion. I want you to know that there is more going on than you could imagine or understand. rest in what trust you have in me, no matter how small" pg 102

"Regardless of how He felt at the moment, I never left Him...When all you see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of Me"pg 96

" You are smack dab in the center of my Love".

"Just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies, does not mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something, means i caused it or I needed it to accomplish my purposes...Grace does not depend on suffering to exist, but where their is suffering you will find grace..."

" I did not purpose Missy's death, but that does not mean I can not use it for good".

" this world is full of tears. but if you remember I promised that it would be Me who would wipe them away from your eyes. "

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Tv and Food

I think God knew what He was doing when he put "A time to mourn and a time to dance" together. i dance now more than i ever did. just go crazy in the house. what gets me going the most is the Office intro song. Just hearing it makes me laugh and jump up and down and throw my hand in the air and cry. Wow. I wish HeeJun would have been sitting next to me during this week's episode. "Barack is president!" would have made him laugh so loudly. He probably would have rewound it several times. Also, Scrubs gets me going. Just the theme song "i can't do this all on my own. I'm no superman" makes me smile.

I have gotten into quite a routine of watching tv and eating. I can't stop eating. HeeJun would be very disappointed. He was always so obsessive about weight and being healthy. i would sneak chocolate and coffee all the time. most of our arguments were over me not being disciplined enough to not eat that big old piece of cake sitting in front of me. but now, i have this struggle with "who cares, get fat, eat comfort food" and "now is the time to be healthy, do it for him". but why couldn't i do it for him when he was here? vicious cycle. and i eat because i am emotional and bored and alone in the house watching tv. i must start moving. one day i will get back into the swing of things, i guess. maybe next week. maybe...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Every year since I have known HeeJun- since freshman year in High School, he and Matt would "host" a super bowl party. I have no idea how long they did this before I was in the picture, but it became a great tradition. Amy says she knows the story of how i spend my super bowl by heart, because I always tell it. I really loved that HeeJun had this tradition and I loved that he loved spending time with his best friend like this. They went out shopping in the morning to buy the ingredients for their secret sauce. Then they would spend all afternoon making their special wings. Every year was different. One year they baked them. Once they fried them and it was terrible. I still have a stain on the driveway from where the sauce leaked from the garbage bag onto the concrete. just imagine what the sauce did to our stomachs! even as matt's family grew, there was no question as to who we would be with for super bowl Sunday. the past two years, i think we drove back from raleigh to charlotte after the game. honestly, i can't remember any of the games or even the commercials. oh scratch that. i remember last year the giants played and i prayed they would win for matt. he needed a win that year. times like those are my favorite memories. i loved watching heejun have fun and get excited about making the secret sauce. still don't know the recipe.

on another note; Juneau the dog is sick, sick ,sick. He puked all over my carpet. Literally there is not a spot on the carpet that does not have puke on it. I spent last night at the Emergency Vet . I slept on the couch next to him in the kitchen. Nothing bad can happen to this dog right now, you hear me. Nothing.

"How many times can I break 'til I shatter?"