Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Birthday that must not be named

I'll be 30 on Thursday.

I refuse to celebrate. It's just going to be too hard.

HeeJun's last birthday was his 30th.

This is not what my life was supposed to be at 30.

In a few days I will be older than HeeJun ever got to be.

Do you ever feel like just screaming a bunch of obscensities for hours?

I'm also pretty tired of my own voice, so...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A quilt

This deserved a post all on its own.

My dear, wonderful, lovely best friend from childhood (next door neighbor since I was 5) made me a quilt. I vaguely remember mailing some of HeeJun's shirts to her with a "could you try to make something with these?" request.

She delivered the quilt to me the day of her baby shower. It was a day to celebrate her and her baby, but she walked home from the shower with me and gave me the quilt. My Sarah is pretty fantastic, huh? I can not express how much it means. I was already pretty emotional from the shower and seeing some old friends, but when I saw that quilt, that t-shirt, that pocket, i couldn't hold back the tears. thank goodness for comedy. we took silly pictures with it as a cape!

So, now i will have two uniquely different "capes". One from a friend who knows me best, one from a friend who knows this pain best.

My excuses for being absent

I sold my old tv and bought a new one. Major temper tantrums ensued. I had to hire "a boy" to hook it all up. Lots of "why isn't HeeJun here?" and "why did he do this?!" tears!
I got a new lawn mower for my birthday. I tried to start it...
and, of course, my father ended up doing it. I actually just came in from a major meltdown outside battling the stupid lawn mower. Thank goodness for concerned neighbors!

I went in for what I thought was going to be a little cortizone shot for my aching back. They gave me some happy juice and that is all I remember from the day. My back still aches, but the happy juice was worth it!
Sweet Moorea and Jumpy Juneau keep me busy and entertained. She is ADORABLE and so perfect. He is a protector and a loyal friend.

She got her first haircut today!

Work is keeping me busy! It is ironic- just a little over a year ago, the "plans" were to leave work and be a stay at home mom. Ah, plans...
Yes, I wore this in public.

Purple Day!
Pajama Day at work. Can't complain when you get to wear sleepies to work!

I have also become friends with a new member of this "horrible club we have that no one wants to join"- the widow's club. I have no idea how she is standing. It's weird being on this side of grief- the side that hurt becomes familiar and you learn to keep breathing. I have noticed that God has been placing several new young widows in my life lately. I have been able to be to them what Kathryn was for me. But, on my side, it also reaffirms to me that I'm not crazy. It is totally normal to not be able to take a deep breath, to think that your husband is laying in bed with you, to dream that it never happened, to not be able to get out of bed, to have your mind going a hundred miles a minute, to forget things, to want to keep busy, to want to be alone, to want to be surrounded by friends, to cry over the lawn mower, to laugh at inappropriate times. I remember all that, and still go through it often. Not as often as before. And that is what I can tell them. "Not as often as before." So, that's hopeful, right?

Sunday, September 6, 2009


Facebook just added "widowed" to their status.

A few months ago I was all offended that Facebook didn't have this as an option.

Now, what do I do?

If I change it, it's so ...final. It will put my sister in law in a crisis. She hates to hear me use that word.

If I don't change it...ahh, nothing will happen. But people will know. Then what happens when a long lost friend looks at my status, sees married and makes a comment about that...oh crap-o-la.

**At church today, they sang How Great Is Our God. I remember singing and praying the words to this song as loud as I could in my car the day I heard my friend B was losing her precious baby. Now, I refuse to sing it. But in church today I almost heard HeeJun whisper to me, "Sing with me...How Great is Our God. Sing with me! Sing with me!" He knows. **

Friday, September 4, 2009

More Moorea

I had a little pity party this week. I fell in love with this adorable cocker spaniel/ golden retriever mix from a local rescue league. The rescued her from a pretty filthy and neglectful environment. I met the foster mom and heard only good things about the pup. I was in the market for a calm, submissive, friendly, and cuddly dog. I also really want a dog that I can register to be a therapy dog for my students. Juneau has some major anxiety issues, but does so much better with another dog around that can help him. Juneau is my big special needs pup. He's got issues! So when I found this little girl, I thought she would be a perfect addition to the household. Then, I find out she has worms and heart worms. Nothing's easy, right? After lots of debating and research, I decided to foster her for a weekend to see how things would work out. She was perfect in the home. Perfect with Juneau, perfect with me. Cuddly and sweet. Just what I need. Then she got sick. Really sick. All over my house. Refusing to eat. I drove to her vet an hour away. As I was sitting in the vet's office, I started thinking "why can't anything be easy for me, Lord?!" I have been praying about getting a dog for a while, praying that He would make it very clear what I needed to do. I know I couldn't make any decisions right now, so I needed a clear answer. With trust issues with Hi, it was almost like I was testing Him. Ok, Lord. I 'll try to test Your trustworthiness with this one little thing. But if you mess up...I know, so wrong. But it was how I was feeling at the time.

I started getting pretty mad and upset that nothing seemed easy for me. I mean, for real!? I have been praying for only two things lately; dog or no dog, and to find a church home for me (that's another post for another pity party). You would think He could make those two things easy for me, right? I started to tear up in the vet's office. pity party. I was so mad. I wanted to scream, "HEY! I already am having difficulty trusting You right now. Everything seems to point in the direction to not trust You. Why can't You make one thing easy?!" Then, I tried to remember His promises and what He has already done for me. I tried to remember that maybe He has a plan worked out for this dog, for me, for everything. I was having a whole conversation in my head. "He never lets things be easy for me. But, He knows I can handle this pup. Look at how He has provided for me this year. Provided me with friends and family to help me. Provided me with support and a working environment that understands. Provided me with his grace and mercy while I trudge through this ridiculous journey". But, God....wahhhhh. (somebody call the wahh-mbulance!)

After telling the vet my story and getting his reassurance that everything was going to be okay, I still thought she was going to be too much to handle. I had to send her back. While they took her to go a stop -puking -and- pooping -in- my -house shot, I sat there crying. Then I heard a "yelp" and the quick pitter patter of paws on the linoleum floor. I heard giggles from the vet technicians and I saw this sweet ball of golden hair run down the hallway, sniffing the door, find me, and jump into my lap. And she had me. She had me at "yelp". ( I know cornball.)
HeeJun and I went to Moorea and Bora Bora on our honeymoon. I went with the family theme of visited cities for our pet names. So....
Welcome Moorea! Sweet, adorable, cuddly, well -behaved and loving Moorea.
She has a cute little overbite!
She figured out how to climb up the gate...
and lounge around in the living room!
So, I had to put up the coffee table while she was sick. Juneau was very jealous that she got chicken and rice. He stuck his head right between the coffee table and wall for hours, just staring at the food.
From chained up, abuse and neglected...to living the fabulous life. She figured out quickly where the most comfortable places in the house are!