Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Last time I was here...

You spent hours putting together a puzzle. you were obsessed.

You really submersed yourself into the Scottish/Canadian culture.

You helped my dad put up the flag.

We took a long hike.

And then sat on a rock to enjoy the view.

We walked to the waterfall. You wouldn't wade in with me.

You didn't like the mosquitoes....

You loved the eagles.

You said it was the most relaxing vacation we had ever been on.

You started liking the idea of having kids. You said if they were anything like my cousins, we could have a million.
Last time I was here, you were, too.

Monday, June 15, 2009

The passport lesson

I think there was a lesson to be learned in the search for the passport.

My passport was in the place I knew it was the whole time. I knew it was there, and it was always there. It didn't move. I moved. I went away from it looking for it somewhere else. It was right there the whole time, waiting for me to see it.

God is in the place I know He is always. I know He's there, and He is always there. He didn't move. I moved. I went away from Him looking for Him somewhere else. He was right there the whole time, waiting for me to see Him.

read this today and thought it rang true;
" I must learn to; open bottles, move the furniture, open the stuck windows, go home alone, investigate the noise in the night, eat alone, make decisions alone, handle money alone, go on trips alone, fight with service companies alone, be sick alone, sleep alone, sing alone. " _Sonia O'Sullivan

But ahh, I know I am not Alone, alone. It's just in those moments of loneliness, that I forget He is right there.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The great search for Passports and D.O

Ahhh!! I can't find my passport. Last time I saw it was on our trip to Alaska last year. In my absolute demolishing of my house looking for it, I found HeeJun's deodorant. The suitcase I found it in smelled like him. great. curse.

I also realized that I can't find the ring that my mother in law gave me when I was pregnant and I can't find the piece of paper where I wrote down exactly what happened that day before HeeJun's accident. I thought they were all in specific spots, but while looking for my passport, I realized they weren't were I thought they were.

So, I started praying, "Lord, please let me find my passport if it is in Your will". Then, I thought "well, hold up, why would it be in Your will for me to find my measly little passport, when it wasn't even in Your will for me to grow old with my husband. Why would You care?" Then, I thought maybe He doesn't want me to go to Canada. Maybe a nuclear warhead is going to hit Canada and He wants me to stay...then, my dad called and had me go through every file folder (all 99 of them) with him on the phone and I JUST FOUND IT!!! Yay!!!!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Getting scappy and peanut butter

When I write these posts, i am usually at my weakest, my lowest. I have moments when nothing makes sense and God feels like a meanie poo-poo head (as I was called today by a client). But I hold onto the Hope that it will all make sense one day...

"God's part in the storm is a sensitive topic for us right now- it hits too close to home, for many of us are being tosses around by ill winds at this very moment. We fear that if we stopped to consider that God may be the Author of the storm, we might be overcome with anger at God. And yet I imagine arriving in Heaven when my day comes, and hearing my Lord admit that He has used storms quite frequently to drive me to my knees. I'll be capable of handling the knowledge of it then and He'll smile and say, "That one was a real corker, wasn't it? That crisis you went through that particular year? I really had you going! But now you can see that it brought you back into My camp at just the right time. You weren't paying as much attention to Me in those days, remember? You were drifting and where might you have ended up if I hadn't stepped in and done something...?I'm sure you never realized how that whole crisis prepared you for the good things to follow!"- David Jeremiah "When Your World Falls Apart.

umm..not ready to imagine that yet. But I can imagine and demand that Christ be my strength and that He alone is my comfort.

I have started working on HeeJun's "life book". I can only do a page a week or so. I couldn't find my favorite picture of him, the one where he just fell off his bike and broke his wrist. He is standing next to his beat up bike, with his arm dangling, giving the thumbs up sign. I couldn't find the hard copy of it. I searched and searched and finally ordered it to come in the mail from All the pictures, notes, cards, little mementos from our life together are spread across my loft in piles; high school, school dances, college, Jesus, marriage, vacations, Charlotte...The chest in the background was my grandmother's when she was in college, I think. I am using it to put all of the special stuff in. Right now, I have only been able to put my wedding dress in it.

WomanNShadows is making a quilt for my mother- in-law out of HeeJun's clothes. Her birthday was the day before HeeJun's accident. We should have been in Raleigh celebrating, but HeeJ wanted to get one more ride in before it got to hot. It took a long time to go through the closet. She brought what she has completed to our last meeting and, oh, it is amazingly comforting to see. i didn't realize how powerful my emotions would be after seeing it.

Juneau got his first grooming this week. I dropped him off and he started crying this horrible from his gut cry and, of course, I started crying. I almost made the lady give him back to me. She was looking at me with this "why are you crying, crazy lady?" look. I wonder! Maybe it is because my whole world has been turned upside down and I have to go to work and smile and talk to people when my insides are just missing my husband, and my life, and my Companion and sometimes that dog that is crying right now is the only thing keeping me sane. I wonder, lady! Juneau loves his Kong. I can just say "Get your Kong" and he goes crazy. He's the perfect dog for me. Calm in the house, but "special". He is terrified of dogs and loud noises. He panics at the park. It gives me something to work on. Anyone know how to get Cesar Milan to come visit?
New handsome haircut. Yep, I'm beautiful and I know it. Now put some peanut butter in that Kong, woman!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Anouncement! Announcement!

I started the lawn mower all by myself today! I shouted a yippee when it happened and probably worried my neighbors. "That girl is going crazy."

I also dragged myself out of bed and made it to church. Still hard to hear "God is good". I find it hard to hear He is good to those who love him and you shall not want with Christ as your shepherd. I believe it. It's just hard to hear. I mean, this don't feel like too much good to me. And I want my husband back. Sometimes I want to stand up and say , "hey Pastor, what about this?" You're telling all these people how good and great and prosperous like is with Christ. Well, what about this? I probably get a lot of "that girl is crazy" looks.

Hotdogs for Dinner spent the Friday night with me. Man alive, I love having the sweet sound of kids in my house. Spending time with them made me want to pack up and move closer to my adorable God-daughter so I could see her more.

I went to see The Hangover with co-workers. If you are offended easily, grossed out easily, or just try to flee from sinfulness, don't go see it. I laughed for hours afterwards.

Today I've been dancing it out (weekends are always rough and Sundays kick my butt) to Say Hey. My dog is giving me "that girl is crazy" looks.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

About Jesus

I remember craving the Lord. I remember listening to songs like "He kept me" by Kurt Carr or "Always" by Hillsong and just feeling YAHOO Yippee! I remember wanting to run to Him. Now I hear those songs and struggle. I listen to those songs and some Matt Wertz and some Daphne loves Derby every night before I go to sleep. I was walking Juneau today and "He Kept Me" was on my Ipod. I know I looked like a crazy person with my hands punching and dancing. haha!

Oh, there's an example of my brain going a mile a minute. Off track. So, as I was saying. I remember feeling so joyful in the Lord, but that was before anything bad had ever happened. Even after the miscarriage, I trusted the Lord. I trusted that He would make MY plans happen one day. Key word; My plans. To quote Dumb and Dumber; "Samsonite. I was way off"!

I am so hesitant now to say I will trust Him or to praise Him or to say that He loves me. I know I'm wrong. I know HeeJun is with his Savior and that he is screaming and wanting to shake me with these thoughts I am having. But I wish I knew my Lord better. I wish I understood this love. I felt like I knew Him, but I didn't even have a minuscule grasp on what it means to put your trust and faith in Jesus. Not until something shakes your whole universe, can you truly grasp what it means to trust Him. Not until i questioned if I was truly loved, if I was being punished, if I was being disobedient, not until my plans were destroyed by a tiny tree and a motorcycle, did I truly...oh I don't know. I was going to write "truly begin to trust Christ" or "begin to crave this relationship" but none of that is true. It's the struggle that will bring me closer to Him, though. I know this. Even though He seems so far away, I know it's me that is putting the distance between us.

I struggle with the quote, "By praising God in all circumstances, things will begin to turn in your favor." Huh? So if I praise God all the time, He'll give me what I want? Is that how He works? What about the story of the giraffe mama kicking her new baby when he was down "to teach him how to get up". Someone compared God to that. Is that how He works? I think His ways are so far beyond anything I can understand.

What I do know for sure is that He is the only one who can turn my mourning into dancing.

Some things off the Jesus track;

These past couple nights I have woken up with the feeling that someone else is in the room, not in a creepy ghost like way, but in a "the brain doesn't realize yet" way. I woke up once and thought someone was breathing next to me, and in my weird dream like state (I sleep walk all the time and would be a great sleep study participant) it's hard to shake my brain awake. I was watching Jon and Kate last night and saw a girl on it that I know (Go Rec Therapy!) and I almost turned to the spot where HeeJ watched TV and said "hey, I know her".

My neighbors have been mowing my lawn on a consistent basis and been very anonymous about it. SO kind. Well, stupid Home Owners Association wrote me up for having weeds and grass that was above 2 inches! I think I will write them a strongly worded letter or give them dirty looks.