Sunday, February 28, 2010

Widows can have fun, too.

Sleeping in Alabama. Yes, I am wearing red and white striped socks.

Valentine's Dinner at Rosies. Yep, that's an alcoholic beverage. And yep, I drank it.





John Mark McMillan and Shane & Shane

Black Eyed Peas- Even widows can rock!

These are my people. How much I love these ladies is a post for another day...

Sunday, February 21, 2010


Driving home from work every day, I pass a church that put up on their sign "God's plan for your life is better than your plan."

Oh really?

At first I scoffed and thought "yeah right". My plan was to be HeeJ's wife forever, to glorify Christ in our marriage. My plan was to have two kids, to put the little girl's hair up in a cute pony tail on the top of her head. To watch HeeJun teach his son to play baseball. To teach them about Christ. My plan was to stay at home and maybe work at the YMCA. My plan was to grow old with HJK.

This doesn't seem better. Freaking out in Walmart because I see families. Feeling like I can't breathe. the ache of loneliness. the constant replay of that day in my head. not having HJK here. Not better.

One day as I drove by that sign I asked, "really, Lord? Is your plan better? Right now, mine seems waaaaaay better."

He answered, " I know. I'm hurting with you. I know you can't see on my side of this, but I'm going to be there with you every step. I will give you breath when you can't breathe. I will lift that weight off your chest. I will give you strength."

I asked, "Lord, is this it for my life. is this all there is? And if it is, how do I find contentment and satisfaction in that? HJK's favorite quote was God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him- Piper. How will I ever be satisfied? how do I find that now?

He answered, "you will. keep fighting."

Then I felt a challenge coming on. "Ok God. Bring it on ."

Please, bring it on.... 'cause this part sucks.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Thursday, February 11, 2010

airport humor

I'm at the airport, heading to visit my sister.

In the security line, a man was complaining about the chaos and the wait. He said, "but we'll survive". Without thinking, I said, "famous last words". Oops. Widow and death humor is not so funny at the airport.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

18 months

Of course on the 18 month mark, I'm watching tv and see videos and pictures from the 2008 Beijing Olympics. The commercials are trying to get everyone excited about the 2010 Olympics. The last thing HeeJ and I did was watch the opening ceremonies together. I remember a friend coming over that day who "got it" and as the Olympics were on to try to distract us, he told me I would never be able to watch the Olympics the same again. I would always think of HeeJ and that day when I saw pictures, reminders.
My friend was right.

Swimming and Praying

I have started swimming laps again. I forgot how much I loved it. I only really became interested in swimming after HeeJun and I were married. I needed my lifeguard certification to get a job.

The book I am reading now, Sacred Echoes, focuses on praying for others. I started swimming each lap in cadence to my prayers. I pray for one person all the way down the pool.

Bo-(stroke) Mi (stroke)

Brit (stroke) tany (stroke)

Ni (stroke) cole (stroke)

Eli Zabeth












After I finish one lap, I remember some one else I want to lift up in prayer. Down the pool I go for another prayer lap. Praying has been good for my health! Maybe it will help me lose this 20 pounds of grief weight!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Music in my Head

Save a Place for Me

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes'
Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
Save a place for meSave a place for meI'll be there soonI'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Wait For Me
You are not alone tonight
Imagine me there by your side
It's so hard to be here so far away from you
I'm counting the days till I'm finally done
I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one
It feels like forever till I return to you
But it helps me on those lonely nights
It's that one thing that keeps me alive
Knowing that you wait for me
Ever so patiently
No one else knows the feeling inside