Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A World Opened

One of the best things I did for myself after HeeJun passed was calling Amanda B and asking her to show me how to blog. At first, I only wrote to get my feelings out, to process my grief. Thn I starting finding other widow bloggers. Bloggers who understood the pain. Women who understood the ache. Women who got the loneliness. Who were moving forward. Reading their posts reminded me that I was not alone. I am not the only young widow out there. They reminded me that there is hope. They reminded me that sometimes it's ok to just have a goal to at least take a shower today. And if I don't reach that goal, it's ok. They reminded me it's ok to laugh. And to scream. And to sob hysterically at the butcher who just told you to have a great day.

Blogging opened a whole world to me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Before that day

I found the piece of paper where I wrote everything HeeJun and I did before that day.

"Thursday, August 7th- Watched SYTYCD. Sad that Katee wasn't the winner.
Friday, August 8th- I woke up 1st and showered. HeeJ was still sleeping. I rubbed his toes and went to work. I called him at 4:00 to tell him I was going to the library and going to pick up our Alaska pictures. Came home. He was sitting on the couch. He looked at the Alaska pictures and said they were bright. I started cooking spaghetti. He told me to come sit down when he saw that I was tired. We ate spaghetti and watched Friends. He went to play on the computer upstairs. I called him down to go for a walk. He wore his silver pants and white t-shirt with a hole in it. We walked around the block. We counted how many houses were for sale. I held his arm and commented on how soft it was. He said, "i use soap." We returned and I went to chat with neighbors. He went in to watch the Olympics. He loved the drumming and fiber optics during the opening ceremony. I fell asleep on the couch. He woke me up around 11pm and we walked upstairs to bed. He smacked my bootie as we walked up the stairs. I fell asleep immediately."

Then that day happened.


Grief comes in waves. Crashing waves. I crashed yesterday. I have never felt such panic and anxiety. I couldn't make it stop. Going to the doctor tomorrow because this is getting ridiculous.

My life sustainers came over for ice cream last night. It is always so wonderful to be around them. They have no idea how much it means to me to have them around and caring.

They were there for me on that day and have surrounded themselves around me ever since. It's great to have that. I get a glimpse of what it's like to not have support when I go to work. Everyone has forgotten. Nobody even mentions it or cares. If I show even the slightest bit of "losing it" I'm seen as incapable. Not a great feeling. I could focus all my energy on that bitterness and anger towards them. Instead I will focus on those life sustainers who show such love and compassion towards me!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

August 8th

Two years ago on this date, at this time I was watching the Olympics with HeeJun. In a few short hours, the troopers would come knock on my door and my world, my faith, my life , my family would be shaken to the core. Everything would change.

This weekend I have been struggling with the balance between joy and sorrow. I have had lots of flashbacks of that day. Why did he shed a tear? What was he thinking? What if I had been there? What if....

I have felt this weight on my chest all weekend. Brit and I went to the beach and relaxed and got burned to a crisp. It was perfect, but I woke up early in the mornings feeling heavy and panicky. The ride back to Charlotte today, I had to take lots of deep, meditative breaths. Thank goodness, Brit offered to drive the whole way home. She's so incredible!

I wrote a whole paragraph about being grateful and all that positive mumbo jumbo, but honestly, for right now, I'm just missing him and that's ok.

I miss you and love you always.

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Sound of Weeping and Laughing

" that the people could not distinguish between the sound of the shout of joy from the sound of the weeping of the people."- Ezra 3:13.

"On this side of the resurrection of Jesus, on this side of the final fulfillment of the promise to work it all for good (Romans 8:28-32), there will still be grief. Yet as Paul says in 1 Thes 4:13, not as those who have no hope. Our weeping will be weeping on the rock on hope.
My prayer for myself and all of you is that our weeping might be deep but not prolonged. And while it lasts, let us weep with those who weep. And when joy comes in the morning, let us rejoice with those who rejoice (Psalm 30:5, Romans 12:15)"- John Piper, Taste and See.

This devotion meant so much to me. I held on to a copy of it and read it over and over again. Why did the people weep and shout for joy? The wept because of what they lost. They shouted for joy because they knew what they had lost and how far they had come. The wept because they knew what they had lost and how far they had come. They shouted for joy because of the hope they had for the future. They wept because of the hope they had for the future. Weeping and shouting for joy. It so defines my life right now.

For example:

This is the spot where I first came home and wept. This is the spot where my mom and dad had to hold me up. This is the spot where I fell on the floor and sobbed loudly the first time I was alone in the house.

This is also the spot where my wonderful sister stands and talks to me about her day. She cooks a rocking mac and cheese. This is the spot my sister cares for me and encourages me and loves me.

This is the spot where I hug my boyfriend as he sweeps me off my feet. This is the spot where I kiss my boyfriend and weep for the hope I have after what I have lost and shout for joy for the hope I have knowing what I have lost.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Soul Widows Retreat

My dear, courageous friend Elizabeth planned a retreat for her organization Soul Widows.

4 widows met and enjoyed time together talking, crying, laughing, and relaxing while Marvelous Mandy led us in discussions on grief and society & the paradox of finding joy while grieving.

Spending this time with these beautiful women who are not even a year to this grief strengthened me. and also scared me. I was able to be "that girl" who can tell them there is hope. One day you may laugh again and really laugh from your belly, so hard that you might pee your pants. I used to listen to "that girl" and call BULLSHIT. Now I am that girl. I'm the one laughing and being silly. It also scared me because I saw the pain on their faces and didn't want to go back to that pain. I knew I was going to have to share my story and that terrified me. I haven't shared the story in a while. I haven't gone back to that place and that day in a long time. I was scared those feelings of being lost would return. I would like to say I dealt with it, but honestly I pushed them away and focused on helping the newbies get through the weekend. Helping others helps me. I know I'll have to deal with it sometime soon, but not this weekend. Tonight, maybe.

It was a very intense weekend. Even eating pizza was intense.

Being there with these amazing woman was powerful. Seeing how far I have come was overwhelming.
Overwhelmed with gratitude.