Saturday, March 28, 2009

Another Bi-otch joins the bunch

I now call pregnant woman and mommies with babies, Bi-otches. Yes, it started out from a place of bitterness and resentment, but it became a humorous joke and the humor turned it to JOY!

So another one of my friends has turned into a super Bi-otch and I am soooo happy for her. Seriously. She gives me hope. B and D brought home their new little guy this week after many months of adoption paperwork and CRAP. And from the pictures, he is adorable. Oh my! What joy.

And I bet there is some story in there about how Christ has adopted me and loves me just like they love him. But I'm not there yet, to tell that story. But he is loved by many already.

So, super love and excitement for B & D!

A trip to the Emergency Room

Yep, I panicked. I woke up Friday morning with a horrible stomach ache, puking and everything else that comes with that. I could barely move and had to crawl to the phone. It got to one point that all I wanted to do was lie down and puke on the floor. I had no idea what to do and I thought i was going to die. Kinda dramatic, right? So I called 911 and said, "I think I need a doctor", while I'm shaking uncontrollably and in pain. Then the ambulance came and 6 medics took me away on the gurney. How dramatic. All I needed was some fluids and some medication to stop the puking. Once I got to the ER, I realized I didn't have a phone that worked and I didn't know anyone's numbers. So, then I just got sad again that I didn't have my "in case of emergency" person. The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to say it over and over again. Having to remember that you had to say goodbye.

But thank goodness I work at the greatest place on Earth and I am the Employee of the Universe. I thought I was going to be stuck at the hospital all day and have to walk home or something. They arranged for me to be picked up by Team ARIECAL and i was able to sleep the rest of the day.

I also did my taxes this week with the help of HR Block. If I have to write "deceased" and "widow" one more time, i'll scream. But I got it done and actually got a refund. the first time ever. i wanted to call HeeJun and tell him. Oh.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I miss the Me I was with Us

I had a day off today since I spent all weekend at work helping a volunteer group create a HUGE garden for my kids. Of course, I slept in until noon-ish, but then I blared the music and decided to tackle some projects head on. I gave Juneau a much needed bath, took him for a walk and we tried to run. One day I will tackle this "devour everything in my path" emotional eating habit I have developed. But for right now, "I do me", as one of my kids said.

I tookk my car in to the shop because right after getting the brakes done (not pocket change) the Service Engine Light came on. Of course! But the guy was nice ( i think) and i hope hope hope he didn't take advantage of my lack of automobile knowledge. He laughed at me when i told him i can't get the front door unlocked anymore without having to climb through the back to unlock it. He said "why don't you use your key?" uh...but i want to use the remote.

so onto the big tackle job. i just finished and my emotions are not as wacked out as i thought they would be. i decided to organize the closet and get some of shirts Sarah is going to sew into a blanket or pillow in a box to be mailed. (THANKS SARAH!) I also moved my wedding dress and Korean wedding dress into the loft. I have a large trunk that I am going to put all of the important stuff in one day. Maybe one day I will sell the wedding dress...maybe. it would be the economical thing to do, right? But to hell with economics, it's a memory.

I have also decided I want to put all of the notes and pictures and memories into a scapbook of some sort. Any ideas how to put 4 years of high school memories, 4 years of college memories, and 5 years of marriage memories in a scrap book. I found some great letters that we wrote to each other. Even some emails I had printed out. I found myself laughing at them and smiling at the pictures. My heart hurt, but the love outweighed the pain this time. Here are the pix that stood out...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How to Help

One thing I have learned from all this is how to show compassion to others. Before all this I never quite knew what people needed and kinda avoided that whole grief thing. My "person's" mama passed away and my roommates father passed away a few years ago. I honestly had no idea the pain they were going through. And I had no idea how to help. now my heart breaks for them and for others that are going through such things. Here's what I have learned:
  • Don't say "if you need anything, call" because they won't call. No one ever calls because they don't want to be a burden or they think people don't care or they don't even know what they need. Just do it. Whatever your talent. Do it. Don't ask. Do it.
  • Cooking is always needed. Always. I have been living off tostitos and ice cream. Meals are great because no one grieving wants or has the energy to cook. Sometimes they don't want to go out, so dropping off hot meals or giving them something easy to bake is always always appreciated.
  • Cards and calls are always a comfort. Even when you think they aren't. Just to get a message on voicemail can make someone's day. I always thought "they don't want to hear from me or it won't matter" but IT DOES. The worst day is when you go to the mailbox and all that is left is bills and junk mail. poo.
  • It's the little things that help tremendously. Lawns being mowed, mulch spread, garbage taken out, mailbox fixed, groceries bought, house cleaned, car filled with gas. And you have to be sneaky about it. Our society doesn't take well to "charity" and most people, including myself, will never ask for help. Get their garage code, or use a spare key and sneak in and clean their house. I came home today and my lawn was mowed and pine straw was spread! How cool is that?
  • Don't stop the calls and cards. it's when they stop, that the loneliness and darkness creeps in. Mark you calendars to call or send a card months after the initial incident.

I write these things, because they have all been done for me.


Monday, March 16, 2009

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10

The Lord said to Job, "where were you when I laid the foundation of the Earth? Have you ever gave orders to the morning and shown the dawn it's place? Have you jouneyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recess of the deep?..." My God is a big God.

I hold onto an image in my head of Jesus wrapping his arms around me now, whispering "shhh shhh little one, i know you don't understand. i know you hurt. i am here."

Even though my faith is probably the size of a mustard seed right now, maybe the size of an amoeba on a mustard seed, "my faith can move mountains".

Sunday, March 15, 2009

My week and weakness

In a previous post I wrote that I was having trouble writing a goodbye letter to HeeJun. I was amazed at how God used my friends to help me with that. So many people told me that God placed in their heart the thought that it was not goodbye for me and HeeJun, but see you soon. I had one friend even dream that HeeJun and her were riding together (they never rode together or really hung out in real life) and he told her to tell me that we would see each other soon. Cool, huh?

Through this blog and through friends I have met some pretty amazing people. Many of whom are going through some of the same things I am, loss, grief, heartache. Our blogs have some of the same messages, same songs, same ache and same search for Hope. I had two wonderful friends that I met through loss and blogging spend the night. It was such a comforting time to sit and grieve together. It helped that there was wine involved. I also have met some pretty incredible ladies through my Widow's Group. It's just a strange kind of comfort to have these people in my life now.

One mother that when she heard her bad news she still knew God was the same God as He was before she heard the bad news. I guess in my case, I never thought that. In my case, I suddenly had no idea who the God I was praising and worshipping really was. All these months, I have been searching and re-learning who My God, my Savior, my Jesus really is.

On to my weakness...I have always had an uncontrollable scoff. I scoff at hypocritical things, and silly things, and ignorant things. Some people have called it smugness. It used to drive HeeJ nuts. I would scoff at completely inappropriate times, restaurants, conferences, baptisms, weddings,... Well, I have been scoffing at God. I mean, what is wrong with me? Whenever I hear someone say "God is good" or "God has a plan" or "God loves you", I scoff uncontrollably. I know. I have said before I know these things are true in my head, but my heart says otherwise. I even catch myself preaching to others that God is good, but inside I'm saying "oh, shut up, Erica". I was telling a lady in my Widow's group that I wanted people to look at me and see that God is good. What a bunch of bologna spilling out of my mouth. I also know that the only thing my in-laws need to help them is Jesus. But who am I to tell them that? I would scoff at myself if I could.

Happier thoughts: I co-hosted Amy's shower this weekend. She is such a precious friend. I mean, here she is about to pop and she is still trying to take care of me. She is so beautiful and kind and humble, and will be an awesome mom. I am kinda living vicariously through her. However, if I hear one more "awww, that's cute" I might punch someone in the face.

I also threw a chair on Friday at work. Travis was a witness. It did not hurt anyone, but man, did it feel gooood!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

There's no Spring in My Forward...

Some thoughts I have had lately;

  • Maybe I have been in the avoidance phase of grief. I have been avoiding actually sitting and being still with God. I haven't been able to have a real conversation with God in a while. But when I am still, that "still, silent voice" starts to creep in. Maybe that is why I am trying to stay busy. I even went into work on Saturday to avoid being still and "knowing that He is God". Uh..what is wrong with me? I have also been avoiding writing a goodbye letter to HeeJun. Matt and Bomi were able to do it at the Memorial service, but I just couldn't. And I still can't. I wrote so many notes and cards and letters to HeeJun. I still write to him often in my journal, but I just can't write that final one. Maybe it is because I believe it is not the final letter. I have also been avoiding the closet. Packing up his clothes to send to Sarah so she can make something beautiful out of it. Thank God for Sarah.

  • the worst part about saying goodbye is having to say it over and over again- I think that is a quote from JD on Scrubs. True dat! I wonder if the day will come when my mind doesn't think to call him or think to tell him something. I thought I saw him the other day in his black mustang. the brain is a weird thing.

  • I used to love grocery shopping. I mean love it! But now, for several reasons it is just another reminder of goodbye. No one to cook for, so what do I cook? I have been living off veggie trays and tostitos. (Thank God for Yoga and Zumba.) It also doesn't help that I was off enjoying a grocery shopping trip when the troopers and HeeJ's friends were trying to find my house to tell me " it's bad".

  • PS. How does one still spend the same amount of money on groceries, even though I'm not cooking and only shopping for one. Darn Frappachinos!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Ode to Gabby

The best dog in the whole wide world passed away this weekend. My parents' bought Gabby when I was a senior in high school. The advertisement for her said "mom; black Labrador, dad; dirty, rotten, scoundrel". I remember I was over at HeeJun's house and my parents called to tell me to come over and meet the new puppy. HeeJun loved Gabby. He was ridiculously allergic, but he loved blowing in her ears and playing with her. He loved taking her for walks and letting her off leash. He always said that she liked him more because "they had an understanding". He gave her freedom. When we would come home to visit, she would always go to him first. She looked for him for quite a while after...all this. I remember one walk where he let her go off leash and then he jumped behind a bush to hide. When Gabby turned around and saw that he was gone, she ran back so quickly! It was almost as if you could see her saying "uh-oh, I lost them. Where'd they go, where'd they go?"

My poor parents had to watch her get more and more sick. They were there when the vet put her down. I know she is just a dog, but she was family. I loved my Gabby-girl!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Caeder Potater

Oh, there goes my heart. This is Caedmon;Amanda and Matt's son. Matt was HeeJ's best friend since as long as I can remember. Matt and Pablo. Two friends HeeJun always knew would be his friends. Caedmon's sister, Savannah is our God-daughter. Caed was the first baby HeeJun actually held. He always said he felt like holding someone else's baby was like letting someone drive his corvette. and he would never let someone drive his corvette. he also always said that the first baby he wanted to hold would be his own. i remember laughing when matt tricked HeeJun and just plopped Caed on his lap while he was over at the house. Oh, I wish HeeJun had been able to hold a baby of his own. HeeJun really liked Caedmon, especially as he got older. HeeJun liked hearing him talk and walk.

So, in this picture Caedmon is holding a picture of his Daddy, Richard, and HeeJun in their SHS football uniform. He has no idea how sweet he is being!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Jealousy and sorrow

Two posts in an hour. I know. It can get a bit addicting blogging. A friend just sent me two blogs from the most amazing women, who happen to be young widows, too. Misery loves company and all. My heart breaks reading their posts. Some of the same words and prayers and cries to Jesus that I have felt. A slight bit of jealousy that they are both mothers, and expecting. What is wrong with me? How can I be jealous of another widow?!! C-razy.

S'now way Jose.

God knew I needed a snow day. I just needed an emotional and mental break. I needed to sleep in and work from home in my PJ's. I needed to take Juneau on long walks to clear my head. Not that anything really overwhelming and stressful happened. I just needed a break. I needed to sit with my pictures and HeeJ's journal and just remember.

Some thoughts this week...

  • ABC could have warned me about Brother's and Sister's! I mean for real! First Ghost Whisperer, now Kitty! Geez.

  • Went to A's baby shower. Do you think she will mind if I just live vicariously through her? I held it together for the shower and pretty much attached myself to D's adorable daughter (can't cry when you're holding a baby), but on the way home it hit me. I also was on Benadryl this weekend and it made me all groggy and "watery".

  • I got to have lunch with a huge group on my old Campus Crusade friends and their hubbies and babies. It is so comforting and warming to be around old friends. I can't explain why. Sometimes it is hard to see happy and joyful people. but most of the time it is just good to see old friends. It's like a reminder that I once didn't feel this way. watery, watery.

  • In church on Sunday, K was saying sometimes painful, horrible hurt will happen, but God will use that to transform and make things whole again. I hope so. I hope that this pain, that B's hurt, and O and A's hurt will be transformed one day to bring them closer to Jesus. I just can't imagine that now. i can't imagine anything beyond this ache. Also, it was the first time i took communion. watery watery woo.

  • "We do not want to lose our grief (we don't want time to heal), because our grief is bound up with our love and we could not cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections. Perhaps the grief and the love will always be wedded to each other to some degree, like two sides of a coin. But maybe after a while, when we flip the coin, it will almost always be the love that turns up on top".- Daily Meditation

  • "Again rises from the heart of suffering the ancient cry, O God, why? O God, How long? And the cry is met with silence- Jim Cotter- Some days we seem to be managing well, confident we can face the future. There are other days- and nights- when we feel utterly abandoned, left in a dark room alone, when the universe seems a vast and unfriendly place. It is hard to remember that we ever felt any other way, or believe that we will ever feel better again. While there are things we can do to be ready for a brighter time- rest, eat properly, read, pray, talk with people- the prevailing wisdom seems to be that such dark nights are simply to be endured, waited out. They will not last forever. And one day- perhaps, as a surprise- we will realize the cloud has been lifted." So, there is hope, huh?

  • My dog loves snow. So much that he thinks it's fun to hump the snow. Unacceptable!