Monday, June 21, 2010

Life Sustainers Part Dos

Let me tell you about my friends from college.

I joined Campus Crusade in college and made some of the most sincere and loyal friends ever. I met "my person" in college.

Like the previous post, some of us lost touch because of distance or time. However, after HeeJ's accident they flooded my gates with love, support, comfort and prayers. My person called daily. They "get me" when I say I'm fine, but they know I'm really not. They came and cleaned my house for me. They came and decorated for Christmas. We chat weekly about SYTYCD and Glee. They share scripture with me. One wonder-woman does my hair and lets me be as crazy as I want with it!

it has been an amazing experience to have such a strong wall of friends surrounding me. God knew what He was doing when he placed me in Campus Crusade. He knew I would need them desperately.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

I think HeeJun's only regret would be that he never got to be a daddy.

That sucks.

Life Sustainers Part 1

Let me tell you about my childhood friends.

My parents still live in the house I grew up in. The same is true for most of my childhood friends. We all grew up together. I'm still best friends with kids who were in my kindergarten class. Incredible friendships were made.

Alas, college and marriage took over. Interrupted. We drifted apart. We all became different people, found who we really were. Yet still the same.

Then tradegy. After HeeJun's accident, these ladies swept me up and carried me through those first days, months, a whole year. They called daily. Many visited. We all went to the beach for the year mark. It was like the distance and time between us never existed. They were there for me. They cried with me. Laughed with me. Told me my boobs looked fantastic. All the things great friends do.

I can not even describe what an overwhelming feeling it is to be loved by them.

To be continued: Part 2: College

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Broken Pictures

I remember a few weeks before HeeJ and I went to Alaska I posted a status update on Facebook that said I was "broken". I was referring to my inability to get pregnant and that I felt broken. Oh, I was so naive. I scoff at that little girl now. I had no idea what broken really meant. What it feels like to really be broken. silly little girl.

I stare at the pictures of me and HeeJun in high school and college and it's like looking at a stranger. More like a girl I heard about in stories, fairy tales. I can't relate to her. I can't recall her feelings. Sometimes I stare at her more than I stare at HeeJun. Who was that girl? So hopeful. With so many dreams.
I look at the girl in the pictures of my wedding. Pictures on vacations. Pictures to Alaska. Who is the girl? I don't recognize her.

The irony is I look at pictures of me now, and I don't recognize myself. When did I get short, dark hair? Where did that weight come from? Where did that pain behind the eyes come from? Where did that smile come from?

I wonder when the day will come that I look at a picture and say, "oh, there I am!"

Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Divide

Something has been weighing on my heart lately.

In college I was in a bubble. The Christian bubble. Even while married, HeeJ and I were in this bubble.

Now I'm outside that bubble a bit. Oh, don't get me wrong. I love me some JESUS! What I mean is, I have been "adopted" by some awesome friends who aren't in this bubble. What I find very sad and discouraging is that neither side really knows about the other side. They are shocked and appalled when they hear about things going on inside or outside the bubble. Get married at 23? Save yourself for marriage? Getting drunk? Living with a boyfriend? Gay? Hands in the air worshipping? Kids? beer pong? stay at home mom? Homeschool? Prayer? Single? Divorced? it freaks both sides out. Which one freaked you out?

I understand that Christians are not of the world. However, it saddens me and worries me that the divide between my friends is so great.

Don't be mistaken

Please, don't mistake my tears for weakness. But most of all don't mistake my smiles for strength.

i wake up most mornings thinking of him. I think about him as I drive. I miss him at lunch. I miss him on the way home. I think about him all the time. i ache for him at night. I fall asleep looking at these pictures. I can't believe all I have is pictures. I can't believe the man in the pictures isn't on this earth. It weirds me out. Breaks my heart.
Just because I don't say it, don't be mistaken.

I think this is a common fear with widows. People just think we are ok. I know people have decided, "yep, erica's doing so much better. she's all better now". They have no idea.

I guess that's my fault for not talking about it as much. But really, if I did, it's all you would hear. And you don't want to hear that.