Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Night time is the hardest time for me. Lying in bed alone. I have my moments. Yesterday was a rough day all together. And that is okay. I am able to have these falling apart moments and then pull myself back together. I have no idea how. I do not need to be rescued during these moments and I hate to tell people that I am having these moments, because it makes others worry, and then they try to fix me. I don't need fixing, though. Just someone who will listen. I have been surrounded by such wonderful people who truly care and are allowing me to lose it.

Tragedy like this teaches people a lot about themselves. I did not know I had the strength to get out of bed. I did not know I had to strength to laugh and be joyful for others. I feel guilty at times when people ask me how am I not curled up in a ball, weeping. It makes me feel like because I am not doing that all the time, it takes away from how much I loved HeeJun. And man, do I love HeeJun. Every breath literally aches. This strength is not from me. It comes from the Hope that HeeJun and I both knew deeply! (and I can only lay in bed for so long...there is no other choice for me, but to keep holding on, keep pressing on)

I will stumble, I will fall down But I will not be moved I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, But I will not be moved On Christ the solid rock I stand, All other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved Bitterness has plagued my heart, many times before, My life has been a broken glass, and I have kept the score, of all my shattered dreams, and though it seemed, that I was far too gone, my brokenness helped me to see, it's grace I'm standing on.

I had this lie in my head and these doubts about what Heaven was. The lie crossed my mind that maybe Heaven was just a fairy tale that we told each other, like Santa or the Easter Bunny. I wasn't sure if Heaven happened immediately after death, or was HeeJun just waiting for the day when Christ comes back. Oh, I hoped not. I hoped he was with Jesus, glorious and joyful. He wrote in his journal that his favorite verse was" Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewere". So I went to The Truth and found these verses incredibly comforting.

JOhn 14: Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.

2 Corinthians 5 "Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. ... Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. ... We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. ...I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare.
Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming.That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Phillipians 3:20-21 "But our citizenship is in Heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body".

1 comment:

Emily said...

All I can say is amazing! You are amazing, Erica.