Sunday, October 5, 2008

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

Birthday weekend.

HeeJun was so good with birthdays. He would leave cards and notes everywhere. In high school, he always brought these huge balloons for me. He always wanted to be unique and tried to get special flowers and original gifts. I have been trying to remember each birthday I have had with him. I want to remember every moment. Last year we went to Boston Market because I was craving their mashed potatoes and corn. That memory is vivid in my mind. I have started a journal, along with this one and my prayer journal, where I write down all my memories I have with HeeJun.

The kids at work (and staff) threw me a birthday party. They are so stealth. I knew it was going to happen so I had time to compose myself. It was sweet and kind of them to think to celebrate for me. I think it is probably good for them and for the staff to see me "going on". Truthfully, though it gets really tiring putting on this shell. I feel like I have this outer armour on that smiles when it is supposed to, laughs when it is supposed to, pretends to care...and if that shell breaks a tiny bit, I'll crumble into tiny pieces. It would be so much easier to just crawl into a ball and just get lost in the darkness. But I am holding onto the Hope and Promise of Christ. Just have to keep reminding myself of that. I have been doing a study on Heaven. I will save that for another day.

The problem with this shell armour is that because I know I am supposed to be smiling or laughing, but my insides don't match that feeling, my expresssions and responses come out inappropriately strong. I screamed extremely LOUDLY when the staff presented me with a dozen Mocha Frappachinos I knew I was supposed to be excited, but the brain responses are all messed up. I laughed incredibly loudly when told a somewhat silly story. I freaked out when a homeless man yelled at me while trying to find a place to eat with my sister. I probably would have beaten him up if Brittany hadn't been there. I lost my temper at the 911 dispatcher when I was reporting a crazy driver on the highway. I cried hysterically at work when a kid threw a pepper. Inappropriate responses. And any emotion I have; fear, excitement, joy, sadness all gets messed up and comes out super strong.

This weekend my parents came to visit. Brittany has been here since Wednesday. Her birthday was October 2nd. We watched lots of movies and tv, went out to eat and have been playing with the crazy dogs. We have been mistaken for twins three times already. We never looked alike as kids, but now we are morphing into eachother. My whole family and the crazy three dogs drove up to Jonas Ridge, to the crash site, yesterday. The cross that HeeJun's motorcycle friend put at the spot is touching and beautiful. There is a trail leading to a waterfall right near the spot, so we went hiking. It was a nice way to make the trip a positive experience.

All these things have been nice. It has been sweet to have friends take me out to eat. It has been comforting to have my family around. Wonderful to be near my sister. Fun to watch to dogs play. He is on my mind, in my thoughts, in my every breath constantly. It feels ungrateful for me to say, but I wish all these comforting and kind things didn't have to happen. I wish people didn't have to take care of me on my birthday. Because then he would still be with me.

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