Church and Credit Cards

I tried to make it through church today. My parents wanted to visit West Cabarrus. HeeJun and I attended West Cabarrus for three years. In the past two years, we had been attending Rocky River. Just walking into the church where HeeJun and I were baptized and met so many wonderful friends, brought back memories and tears. I started sobbing uncontrollably pretty much immediately. Yep, I was that girl in the back crying. People around probably that I was being convicted by the Holy Spirit. The preacher started preaching and, of course, the sermon was on divorce. SERIOUSLY? I think God might be playing a joke on me, or just not like me very much.

I could not make it through the lessons on what a marriage should look like, so yes, we were those people who got up in the middle of the sermon and left. I am amazed at how fast and uncontrollable tears come. Even at times when I am really not thinking about things, my heart and body are sad. I do find that sometimes I am saying the same story so many times that after the first time of crying over it, it is easier to say. Well, at least I took one step toward going back. I was not crying out of anger, but out of sadness. I miss HeeJun. Church and praising God just remind me of him so much. His love reflects God's love. He reflects God. Seeing others worship and praise God just made my heart hurt more. Will that ever stop?

I paid all our bills the other day. Since I can not get into the account that has all the $$$ in it, I could not pay the credit card in full, which is fine. HeeJ would have been mortified but, who cares right now, right? Well, after checking my bank statement it appears that HeeJun signed up for automatic withdrawal for our credit card a couple of weeks ago. REALLY?! So, the credit card company took out all my money. I have no idea why HeeJun would sign up for automatic withdrawal and am under the impression that someone has made a big mistake. All I know is HeeJun is pacing right now, saying "the 1st time you are in charge of the money and you put us in debt!

A dear friend Steve sang and played this on his guitar for HeeJun's memorial service. I felt such a calm and peace while listening and singing along with him.

"Praise You In This Storm"- Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Friends and Babies

My sister in law and I went over to HeeJun's best friends house for dinner the other night. They have adorable babies (Sassy is my God-daughter) and wonderful food and friendship! I thought I wouldn't feel sad there (how can you be sad around such sweet children) but the minute Matt walked in, just hearing his voice, made my heart ache for HeeJun. Matt and HeeJ have so many memories together. My favorite memory (and I hate that it will just be a memory now) is that HeeJun and Matt always made special sauce wings for the Super Bowl every year. I don't think we ever missed a year since high school. I think Matt and HeeJun's Super Bowl parties go even farther back than that. So much of Our Love Story has Matt in it. He was always there for HeeJ.

Seeing the beautiful babies and hearing about friends who are expecting is a weird kind of happiness for me. Of course, honestly, I am jealous. I don't even think jealous describes my feelings exactly. Jealousy is a negative word. Seeing my friends children and hearing of their expected babies brings me joy, but makes my heart hurt. HeeJun and I wanted children so badly. We wanted a big family. We tried for years. It seems like it would have been so easy for God to just make that happen, right. There was about 3 days after HeeJun's crash that I thought I was pregnant. This was not the plan. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

And on a funny note; I went to the bank the other day to figure out HeeJun's accounts. Seriously, I never saw HeeJun write a check ever. Everything was online and I didn't know any of the codes. MAKE A WILL, PEOPLE! RIGHT NOW! So, at the bank the lady started out very sweet and kind. She held my hand and gave me a hug while I cried. Tears come at the weirdest times. But then, she wanted to know details about his accident. Was it his fault, was he speeding? I told her no it was not his fault and he was not speeding, he was very careful, and I whispered that it was a tree. She said "that will do it"!!!! I know I should have been infuriated that she was such a ignorant I-D-I-OT (as HeeJun would say) but it made me laugh later on. So, every body make a will, so your loved ones won't have to listen to stupid people.

Job and Dancing

I read a bit of Job last night and was...humbled and comforted. Reading Job 38- 42 where God answers Job's questions with asking "Where were you when I laid the foundation of the Earth? Did you tell the ocean it can only come this far?'" How can I possible understand God's mind and character. It is only my job to rest in His care. Trust Him for who He is.

I was listening to a CD I burned quickly of the music HeeJ had on his computer. As I am crying over "Blessed Be The Name" and sobbing "you give and take away", suddenly "Wu Tang Clan Ain't nothing to @#$$% with" came blaring through the speakers. That's my HeeJun. I actually danced a bit to "Damn, Don't It Feel Good to be a Gangster".

I went to the "spot" today. It is difficult to say grave. I woke up early and just had to go get windchimes for the spot. I went to three different stores and probably freaked a few people out with my desperation. It is weird how the mind will focus on stupid things so I don't have to think of what is really happening. Finally, I realized it was silly and just an object.

The "spot" is so peaceful. I was reminded there of all the ridiculous arguments and things I stressed out about. I wish I had enjoyed him and life with him more. If only I had known...Dishes aren't important, leaving his shoes in the kitchen isn't the end of the world. I will enjoy every moment now. I just enjoyed being in that spot and resting with him and Jesus.

Not stable yet

This weekend, I went back to Charlotte. I needed to be back there; to be closer to HeeJun. We organized his messy garage and visited with friends. On that note, let me just say how wonderful my friends and family have been. People I have not seen in years have just surrounded their arms around me and comforted me. High school friends like Jacquie and Sarah call every day to encourage me. Amanda, whose husband is hurting from losing his best friend, has brought over her babies and helped me with this blog thing. Friends from Crusade have loved on me and brought their babies over to play with me. Neighbors have brought me food and comfort. My sweet Amy spent a whole day with me. Co-workers have helped me laugh. Friends from church have brought food and babies to play. It truly has been amazing to be surrounded by this love and kindness. Playing with the babies has been a wonderful distraction. At times, I catch myself feeling happy. Those are the times; however, that I would have rushed back to tell HeeJun all about what cute thing Cameron did, how Tyson's hair is a mohawk, how adorable Addison is, sweet Caroline and Claire, how Hayley Grace is learning how to potty train, Robson peed on me, Caeders and Sassy are absolutely adorable, Jacquie was attacked by Dementors, and that I love Amy. These are the things I would tell him, but he is not here for me to babble on to. He would have laughed and probably been bored out of his mind. What has been amazing to me is that some of these people I have not spoken with or seen in years. HeeJun and I pretty much just hung out with eachother; we really liked being together.

Sunday my parents drove me to Morganton/Jonas Ridge where the crash happened. It was not as hard as I thought it would be. I have a tendency to block things out, or just focus on what I am doing at that moment. It seems my brain is almost rejecting the thought of what actually happened. I have not cried in several days. The tears I cried the week following the accident scared me. I fear losing it like that again, so it seems that my brain is pushing any thoughts of losing it aside. Then I feel guilty for not crying.

So, the site is not as horrific as I thought it would be. Lots of his riding buddies have placed flowers at the spot. I pray for those guys. What they must have witnessed and gone through. I hope HeeJun got at least a couple good rides up the mountain in.

Those @#$% trees. They are so small and weak. They are not strong enough to take my strong and brave husband's life.

I realized as I was driving up there, that if I had not miscarried in Feb, I would have had the baby in August. Without the miscarriage, maybe HeeJun would have been home that day. And we would have had everything the way it was supposed to be.

On that note, this is not what I had planned. I am very confused and hurt by the teaching that "God has a wonderful plan for your life". Really? 'Cause this is not it. I am hurting; I put my trust in him with everything, as did HeeJun. And this is what we trusted Him with?! So, it has been hard to think of things as blessing lately or to even try to put my trust in Him with my future. I know I will. Although I am searching for theological answers and Biblical teachings in the Romans 8:28 questions; "how is this working for the good of those who loved You, Lord?", my Faith and my Hope in Him will not waver. I know I need Christ. I know I love Christ. I do not believe this is some kind of punishment. God does not punish, hence the whole reason for Christ. Although, to be honest the thought has crossed my mind. I am just confused and hurt how this was "God's plan". I can not bear to hear "maybe this was how God has planned for others to hear His Word, maybe this will bring so and so to Christ". In my selfishness, I would rather have HeeJun back. HeeJun would be infuriated that I am thinking these things. He trusted Christ through some hard times and never once faltered. He would have rather had Christ's Word and Promise known. He is probably screaming at me right now, because he is seeing the Glory of God and has perfect understanding.

That day

Sometimes I feel like I just dwell in that day. My mind can't wrap around it. That night HeeJun and I went for a walk around our block. I remember holding his hand and commenting on how soft his skin was. He joked that it was because he washed. We stopped and talked to our neighbors. All so mundane, but it means so much now. We watched the opening ceremonies to the Olympics. HeeJun was fascinated by the drumming and the boxes popping up. He rewound that part several times. Such a nerd. I won't ever watch the olympics or those opening ceremonies without seeing his excitement. I fell asleep on the couch. This bothers me. It was such a normal thing for me to do, but I was sleeping as HeeJun was experiencing life. We went to bed late that night. I wonder if he was tired the next morning.

He was so excited to get on his ride that morning that he woke up before his alarm at 6:15am. I know this because his alarm went off the next morning, jolting me into the next day. He didn't wake me up to say goodbye. Just let me sleep through his nightmare. I can't believe I was sleeping while his friends were fighting for his life.

I woke up and went grocery shopping, came home and I saw the troopers cars parked across the street. I made a joke to my neighbor "what did you do this time". Not funny.

Deep breaths. Just breathe.

I heard the doorbell ring and I was worried about getting a jacket on because I didn't want to answer the door in the shirt I was wearing.

Two troopers at my door saying sit down, it is bad, who can we call. I thought it was a joke. I thought they had followed me home because I was speeding. Can't be real, still can't be real. They put their hats on my kitchen table.

Friends rushed to my side, bringing their sweet babies for a distraction. My parents and his parents drove from Raleigh. His best friend, Matt and wife Amanda drove down. Lots of shaking and sobbing.

His courageous motorcycle buddy, Doug, came by and gave me his helmet and comfort that HeeJun did not suffer. I found out later through charlottesportbikes.com how much he was loved and admired by those guys. HeeJun was a safe and responsible rider. They say that he never put on his brakes on turns. Maybe he saw a squirrel or deer. He ran into a tree. Not a scratch on his helmet or gear. His Ipod is a little scratched. He always told me before his other crashes that he could see it happening and would think "this is going to hurt".

Deep breaths. Just breathe.

Doug said he never gained consiousness. He said HeeJun shed one tear. I hope that tear was not a tear of sadness or regret. I hope he did not know what was happening. I hope the tear was a tear of joy that he was being greeted by Christ.

Some excerpts from HeeJun's journals.

6/6/01

"As I am lying here on the beach at night admiring God and all He is, I will never forget the way I experienced God tonight. God showed himself to me so vividly and so much things at once I can't even recall it all I almost came to tears by the power of his Love. He loves me unfathomable. I never knew how people could say I would lay my life down but I realize today that he is my all and that I will lay down everything for him. I want to stay there inside the veil of his arm at his feet praising him and not go back into the world. How amazing is my Savior".

1/9/02
" God has answered every prayer that I had. Funny. God is more faithful to me that I am to myself. What do I have to fear. God is in control and has a plan for my future, my job, my wife, my friends. Man he has a plan for it and it is much greater than my own. i can not think of one incident where You have let me down not one. bc you are so good to me so good. You are my King you are my Lord. You are in control God. Point the way and I will go without question. i live for eternity...God is my hope his unfailing love is my hope"

Journal to Me-10/13/02
Look at how perfect is our God. Look where he has brought us. No matter what, do it to be more like Christ. 10 years from now we will look back and say wow how good God is. He calls us to be Holy and righteous. I will fight for that bc he has so much for those who live according to His purpose.

You have made me who I am today don't ever think otherwise. You were an instrument of God in my life. Erica Andrews I love you more than anything in this world. How I love to be able to tell you that. To wake up next to you, to spend our lives together, to grow old together to raise kids together. How perefct my wife is. A person can have all the perfect traits but if she doesnt love God, than nothing. take big steps for Him, Erica bc he is faithful. Go deep in Him. I love you."

October 31st, 2002
Erica, from the day of Ms. Gaults English class to many dances in HS through many years of long relationships to both of us coming to Christ and fighting to walk the walk and have him as our first to this moment today. What can I say but all the glory be to Lord Jesus...Would you walk this journey of life with me until God takes us to an infinitely better place?"

HeeJun

I have no idea how to start this blog. Do I write about who HeeJun was, who we were together, or do I write about what happened?



I have a vivid memory of walking down the hallway Freshman year at Sanderson High School and calling out HeeJun's name. He was "dating" my beautiful friend Elizabeth and she was introducing him into our clique. I said his name wrong and silly. Thankfully, he forgave me.



HeeJun and I started dating sophomore year in high school. He fought it for a while, but when I decide I want something, I get it. He made me promise not to tell anyone when we first kissed. Of course, I told all my friends. Our second kiss was under the light post in front of my parents' house. After that, we both knew, this was it.



He went to UNC-Charlotte and I was 4 hours away at ECU. His freshman year in college he met some great guys who introduced him to Campus Outreach. Both of our lives changed dramatically from there.



HeeJun wrote in his journal that he did not want to be a hypocrit. He was adament that if he was going to seek God and have a relationship with Jesus Christ, that he would do it whole heartedly and with full conviction. He became a believer at a Christmas Conference his freshman year in college. He wrote in his journals of his deep and passionate hope and trust he had in Christ. He wanted to share that hope and love with his family and with me.

I have another vivid memeory of standing on the balcony of a hotel in Atlanta at a Christmas Conference with HeeJun and realizing this is what I want; a deep relationship with Jesus Christ. HeeJun looked at me and asked me something about if I believed. We just sat down while everyone else is cheering and welcoming the new year and prayed together. Peace.

On May 3rd, 2003 we married. Best day of my life. We only had 5 years together as a married couple. We fought and yelled, but we loved each other deeply. Our time together was not enough.