Friday, August 29, 2008

Friends and Babies

My sister in law and I went over to HeeJun's best friends house for dinner the other night. They have adorable babies (Sassy is my God-daughter) and wonderful food and friendship! I thought I wouldn't feel sad there (how can you be sad around such sweet children) but the minute Matt walked in, just hearing his voice, made my heart ache for HeeJun. Matt and HeeJ have so many memories together. My favorite memory (and I hate that it will just be a memory now) is that HeeJun and Matt always made special sauce wings for the Super Bowl every year. I don't think we ever missed a year since high school. I think Matt and HeeJun's Super Bowl parties go even farther back than that. So much of Our Love Story has Matt in it. He was always there for HeeJ.

Seeing the beautiful babies and hearing about friends who are expecting is a weird kind of happiness for me. Of course, honestly, I am jealous. I don't even think jealous describes my feelings exactly. Jealousy is a negative word. Seeing my friends children and hearing of their expected babies brings me joy, but makes my heart hurt. HeeJun and I wanted children so badly. We wanted a big family. We tried for years. It seems like it would have been so easy for God to just make that happen, right. There was about 3 days after HeeJun's crash that I thought I was pregnant. This was not the plan. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

And on a funny note; I went to the bank the other day to figure out HeeJun's accounts. Seriously, I never saw HeeJun write a check ever. Everything was online and I didn't know any of the codes. MAKE A WILL, PEOPLE! RIGHT NOW! So, at the bank the lady started out very sweet and kind. She held my hand and gave me a hug while I cried. Tears come at the weirdest times. But then, she wanted to know details about his accident. Was it his fault, was he speeding? I told her no it was not his fault and he was not speeding, he was very careful, and I whispered that it was a tree. She said "that will do it"!!!! I know I should have been infuriated that she was such a ignorant I-D-I-OT (as HeeJun would say) but it made me laugh later on. So, every body make a will, so your loved ones won't have to listen to stupid people.

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