10 on Tuesday

So many times I would become upset, excited, or sad about something, and tell HeeJun I was going to blog about it. He would laugh and say "you don't even know how to start a blog." We would laugh about it together. That memory was one of the reasons I started this blog. Here are the top 10 things I would tell HeeJun I wanted to blog about this week...

1. Dear friend ND. A young mother just diagnosed with cancer. Probably the bravest person I know. She has such a strong and positive attitude as she faces this earth shaking news. Pray for strength and healing, friends.
2. I posted a while back a picture of the address labels my Alma Mater sent me. I purposely took the picture trying to leave the envelope with my address out of the picture. I didn't even realize that my address was on the labels for the blog world to see! Grief brain. The picture has now been taken down. And if you are some crazy nut reading this and trying to get my address, I have a gun, a vicious dog and a baseball bat that I'm not afraid to swing away!
3. I went to the David Crowder Band concert last week with some great friends. This guy is crazy cool. His song Dance just might be my new theme song. "Dance If You're Wounded/ Dance If You're Torn In Two/.
4. I have also been listening to How He Loves Me by John Mark McMillan. The end is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to feel that way again. "If HeeJun could sing, he'd say...You are good and oh, how He loves me".
5. I have been watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 since the very beginning, until this year. I've watched bits and pieces this year. It was just too sad to watch. I have a habit of diagnosing people often. Comes with my job. I'm just saying, does any one else think Jon has either gotten involved in some serious drugs or is starting to display symptoms of mental illness?
6. I am absolutely loving Vampire Diaries and Glee. Watching it makes me smile for hours. I can't help but jump around the room and dance to Glee every time it comes on. My superwoman friend AE sent me a CD with the music from Glee. I can't stop dancing around the house, blaring it in the car...so therapeutic.
7. My ring tones after the accident until now are a small reflection of the grief process. "I'll be missing you"- Puff Daddy, "I can't stop missing you"- Trey Songs, "Heaven"- Mary Mary, "Pollen and Salt"-Daphne Loves Derby, "Don't Stop Believing"-Journey, "Dancing with Myself"- Billy Idol.
8. I had to pull out the Widow Card at work this week. Big licensure debacle. All my recreational therapists were freaking out, but things like that don't phase me much anymore. Jail, schmail. On the work note, we really need some better foster care families. I wish I could start all over with the families. Our poor kids. It's such a horrible cycle.
9. Juneau and Moorea are the best dogs for me. Juneau is still a bit aggressive when he is scared. He is just a big ball of anxiety out in the world. But in the house, he is so calm and a proud protector. Moorea is a sweet, cuddly ball of cuteness. She is so loving and adorable. She is starting "puppy" classes now, with hopes that she will be a therapy dog that I can bring to work.
10. I did a lot of babysitting this week. One of the best feelings in the world is holding a crying baby and rocking them to sleep. -sigh-

avoid and distract

I waved goodbye to all the motorcycle stuff tonight. A wonderful new friend came through to help!

So to avoid thinking about it, I'm going to practice riding on my Heelies! I wish I had a cool video of me riding on them. Can you believe I'm 30?!

The Garage

I spent the day taking pictures of all of the motorcycle junk in the garage, and then posting them on Craigslist. I had lots of people offer to help me with this, but as most widow's know, words are easy to say, actions fall through...

The hardest thing to post was the tire changer. I hated that tire changer. HeeJun would call me from the garage and interrupt my precious tv watching time, and have me help him hold down this heavy tire thingy. Oh, i hated it. I love it now. We would laugh at how hard it was and do the dance of joy afterwards. He would also have me spend hours in there measuring exact heights of something for the tire for some kind of brake thingy. I had no idea what I was doing, but it was our thing.

While I was moving stuff around I found a hole in the wall. I totally forgot about that hole. I drove straight into the garage about a month after the accident. Ah, grief. I would say that the fog that grief puts us in lifts one day, but today I stood in front of a car at Target for about 2 minutes so confused why the door wouldn't open. It wasn't my car! oops!

Christian Counseling

I went to a recommended Christian Counselor tonight. She was amazing. I left feeling like, "yep, that's what a counselor is supposed to be like."

She asked what do I want to accomplish during these times: how will I know when I done?

"I feel myself becoming and more cynical and dis-trusting. I don't trust God anymore. I think He's going to just do what He wants anyway, so what's the use in praying. And what He does will probably be bad. These thoughts come into my head that He doesn't love me, He is cruel. I know it's not the Truth. But the thoughts are still there. I want my joy back. I want to trust again."

She didn't say, "oh, you are doing so great" like the other counselor did. She didn't say, "that is totally normal" like everyone wants to say to comfort me. She said, "wow. that is some intense stuff."

Yep. You're right. But I haven't lost my Hope. I still want it. I can't give up. I won't give up. When you believe there is a Heaven and a Hell, you can't give up. I want to trust again.

I got to talk alot about HeeJun, which I loved. She asked what I was like before he died. I couldn't remember. Seriously. I wanted to say "happy", but I know there is so much more to that. I was niave, just blissfully unaware. I really could not remember who I was before all this. What was life like?

She asked who am I now. I told her I am one tough cookie. And I am going to fight for my Joy back!

The Dating Conversation

It's been over a year. I'm getting out and about in the world. So, I thought it would only be right to post my thoughts on dating.

A. I'm going to be the best damn girlfriend/wife ever if I ever do start dating again, because I know how incredibly special and incredible love can be. I know not to argue or stress over the stupid stuff. Who cares about the dishes? Who cares about what television show got recorded? i know how love can be. I am going to rock as a girl friend/wife.

B. But because I am going to rock, he is going to have to be beyond rocking.
1. He is going to have to be the best looking, sexiest man out ever.
2. He is going to have to be ridiculously rich. I'm not going to worry about money anymore.
3. He's going to have to treat me like a princess
4. He will cook and clean. Or understand that I will not.
5. He has to love Jesus deeply, and understand being hurt and confused, but still have his feet planted firmly in his Faith.

Yep, if it ever happens, I'm going to be pretty selfish.

Honestly, though, if a boy ever approached me, I would have no idea what to do. Just like a little school girl. I talk a big game, but I would freak out in real life. I joked at work that all I wanted for my birthday was a gigolo, (being lonely and all) but if someone even held my hand in real life, I would probably start sobbing. Oh, I'm going to be an awesome date!

New Things

I tried to do something new or fun every night this week- went outside my comfort zone. The poor pups didn't get a walk at all this week, since I rolled into the house late every night.

Monday- Small group with singles

Tuesday- Charlotte One (loved it, but hated being alone, )

Wednesday- Zumba

Thursday-Coffee with an encouraging friend

Friday- Bobcats Basketball Game

Saturday- Widows Wear Stillettos Picnic in the Park

I love doing these things, but I hate them at the the same time. I hate that I have to be in a singles Bible Study now., but I love the people in it. I hate that I get to go to Charlotte One, but I love being there. I wish HeeJun was there to join me on the coffee dates (although, he would have never gone), I wish HeeJun was there at the Bobcats game. I wish HeeJ had enjoyed the picnic or met the incredible ladies in the group. But these things have come into my life, because he is not there. So, it's a vicious cycle, right?

No more shopping for me

I think I'm going to stick to online shopping again this year.

I've hit the "stage" where everything makes me cry.

• Little Asian babies.
• Trying on shoes. (HeeJ was an expert shoe-picker-outer)
• Couples holding hands.
• Firehouse Subs opening in Concord Mills.
• Fall Decorations
• Strollers

Yep, I'm that crazy lady crying in the store. Awesome.