Monday, November 16, 2009

Christian Counseling

I went to a recommended Christian Counselor tonight. She was amazing. I left feeling like, "yep, that's what a counselor is supposed to be like."

She asked what do I want to accomplish during these times: how will I know when I done?

"I feel myself becoming and more cynical and dis-trusting. I don't trust God anymore. I think He's going to just do what He wants anyway, so what's the use in praying. And what He does will probably be bad. These thoughts come into my head that He doesn't love me, He is cruel. I know it's not the Truth. But the thoughts are still there. I want my joy back. I want to trust again."

She didn't say, "oh, you are doing so great" like the other counselor did. She didn't say, "that is totally normal" like everyone wants to say to comfort me. She said, "wow. that is some intense stuff."

Yep. You're right. But I haven't lost my Hope. I still want it. I can't give up. I won't give up. When you believe there is a Heaven and a Hell, you can't give up. I want to trust again.

I got to talk alot about HeeJun, which I loved. She asked what I was like before he died. I couldn't remember. Seriously. I wanted to say "happy", but I know there is so much more to that. I was niave, just blissfully unaware. I really could not remember who I was before all this. What was life like?
She asked who am I now. I told her I am one tough cookie. And I am going to fight for my Joy back!


Brittany said...

I'm so glad that you went! I know she will be helpful... sounds like she already is.

I HATED feeling that I could not trust God! So yucky!
I'm not sure when I put my faith back in Him. I was so angry for so long.
I guess I just felt like, "if things are this awful WITH my trust in God, then what would it be like if I didn't?!"

Healing brought more clarity and perspective for me. I pray it does for you too.
Keep working on yourself, Sweet Friend.


Amy E. said...

you ARE one tough cookie no doubt! this entry brought a huge smile to my face. i'm so glad you found this counselor and that got to experience/hear what you've been needing. i'm so proud of you and am thanking God for the day that you will know that your joy and trust in Him is restored and more beautiful than ever... it's coming! love you.

The Widower Dad said...

I'm sure you've heard it before, but the thought that came to my mind was:
Pslam 9:10 - Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

You will regain your trust because you are tough and you aren't giving up. You're seeking to find what He provides. I agree with Brittany, this dark journey with grief has brought more clarity for me...and I pray that it will for you too.

Ansia said...

You don't know me. I live half a world away, but we are dealing with very similar stuff. I too am a widow, 9 months in, and I am really struggling with God. I know he is God, I know He is worthy of my trust, I know He has all this in his control. The trouble is believing it. Thank you for writing so honestly about your journey and your struggles. Your honestly gives me the words to figure out where I belong now.