Sunday, August 8, 2010

August 8th

Two years ago on this date, at this time I was watching the Olympics with HeeJun. In a few short hours, the troopers would come knock on my door and my world, my faith, my life , my family would be shaken to the core. Everything would change.

This weekend I have been struggling with the balance between joy and sorrow. I have had lots of flashbacks of that day. Why did he shed a tear? What was he thinking? What if I had been there? What if....

I have felt this weight on my chest all weekend. Brit and I went to the beach and relaxed and got burned to a crisp. It was perfect, but I woke up early in the mornings feeling heavy and panicky. The ride back to Charlotte today, I had to take lots of deep, meditative breaths. Thank goodness, Brit offered to drive the whole way home. She's so incredible!

I wrote a whole paragraph about being grateful and all that positive mumbo jumbo, but honestly, for right now, I'm just missing him and that's ok.

I miss you and love you always.


Alicia said...

At 6 years out, I don't too much flashing back to what Nick's death was like, to those last days, or to the last days of blissful ignorance of how my universe was going to be shredded apart.

I hold onto gratitude for all that we had, for all we were, for all he was.

And yet, I still miss him. Deeply. Profoundly. Unendingly. And today, I wept freely for missing him. And that's okay.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you a measure of peace.

Amanda said...

It is absolutely okay! Love you!!!!

the Orrs said...

Hey there - was just catching up on your latest posts. You mentioned that Hejun shed a single tear when he died, and you wondered what that was about. When I used to be a reporter for the newspaper, I did a story on end-of-life care for terminal patients, and one gift that is often given to the family is a special cloth to wipe that final tear. Apparently it's a fairly common part of a person's last moments. Anyway, just wanted to share.