Caeder Potater

Oh, there goes my heart. This is Caedmon;Amanda and Matt's son. Matt was HeeJ's best friend since as long as I can remember. Matt and Pablo. Two friends HeeJun always knew would be his friends. Caedmon's sister, Savannah is our God-daughter. Caed was the first baby HeeJun actually held. He always said he felt like holding someone else's baby was like letting someone drive his corvette. and he would never let someone drive his corvette. he also always said that the first baby he wanted to hold would be his own. i remember laughing when matt tricked HeeJun and just plopped Caed on his lap while he was over at the house. Oh, I wish HeeJun had been able to hold a baby of his own. HeeJun really liked Caedmon, especially as he got older. HeeJun liked hearing him talk and walk.

So, in this picture Caedmon is holding a picture of his Daddy, Richard, and HeeJun in their SHS football uniform. http://nunusplace.blogspot.com/2009/03/and-this-is-why-having-children-is.html He has no idea how sweet he is being!

Jealousy and sorrow

Two posts in an hour. I know. It can get a bit addicting blogging. A friend just sent me two blogs from the most amazing women, who happen to be young widows, too. Misery loves company and all. My heart breaks reading their posts. Some of the same words and prayers and cries to Jesus that I have felt. A slight bit of jealousy that they are both mothers, and expecting. What is wrong with me? How can I be jealous of another widow?!! C-razy.

S'now way Jose.

God knew I needed a snow day. I just needed an emotional and mental break. I needed to sleep in and work from home in my PJ's. I needed to take Juneau on long walks to clear my head. Not that anything really overwhelming and stressful happened. I just needed a break. I needed to sit with my pictures and HeeJ's journal and just remember.

Some thoughts this week...

• ABC could have warned me about Brother's and Sister's! I mean for real! First Ghost Whisperer, now Kitty! Geez.


• Went to A's baby shower. Do you think she will mind if I just live vicariously through her? I held it together for the shower and pretty much attached myself to D's adorable daughter (can't cry when you're holding a baby), but on the way home it hit me. I also was on Benadryl this weekend and it made me all groggy and "watery".


• I got to have lunch with a huge group on my old Campus Crusade friends and their hubbies and babies. It is so comforting and warming to be around old friends. I can't explain why. Sometimes it is hard to see happy and joyful people. but most of the time it is just good to see old friends. It's like a reminder that I once didn't feel this way. watery, watery.


• In church on Sunday, K was saying sometimes painful, horrible hurt will happen, but God will use that to transform and make things whole again. I hope so. I hope that this pain, that B's hurt, and O and A's hurt will be transformed one day to bring them closer to Jesus. I just can't imagine that now. i can't imagine anything beyond this ache. Also, it was the first time i took communion. watery watery woo.


• "We do not want to lose our grief (we don't want time to heal), because our grief is bound up with our love and we could not cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections. Perhaps the grief and the love will always be wedded to each other to some degree, like two sides of a coin. But maybe after a while, when we flip the coin, it will almost always be the love that turns up on top".- Daily Meditation


• "Again rises from the heart of suffering the ancient cry, O God, why? O God, How long? And the cry is met with silence- Jim Cotter- Some days we seem to be managing well, confident we can face the future. There are other days- and nights- when we feel utterly abandoned, left in a dark room alone, when the universe seems a vast and unfriendly place. It is hard to remember that we ever felt any other way, or believe that we will ever feel better again. While there are things we can do to be ready for a brighter time- rest, eat properly, read, pray, talk with people- the prevailing wisdom seems to be that such dark nights are simply to be endured, waited out. They will not last forever. And one day- perhaps, as a surprise- we will realize the cloud has been lifted." So, there is hope, huh?


• My dog loves snow. So much that he thinks it's fun to hump the snow. Unacceptable!