Saturday, November 8, 2008

A little warning would be nice...

Watched my favorite Friday show last night- Ghost Whisperer. Would have been nice is the tv guide had warned me that the husband dies on the show!! My goodness, that was hard to watch.

But myabe it was good. I hadn't cried in days, weeks. I was starting to feel crazy. What was wrong with me? Why can't I cry or even feel sad? How am I going to work, getting out of bed, going to church? How is this happening? I should be on the floor screaming. My life has fallen apart, so why wasn't I crying? But last night, after watching that stupid show, the dam broke. It felt good.

I am not strong. the reason I am not crying is not because I am strong or something. And it kinda makes me mad when I hear people say "you are so strong". Like it takes away from the hurt and pain I feel. People thinking I am strong just makes me think they have no idea how broken and weak I really feel. If I have any strength it is not from me. If I am not falling apart every second, it is not because of my own strength. Even though I still have creeping thoughts that God is not good, Is till have urges to scream out BULLSH$$ at church, I still scoff at people praising God and I still question WHY WHY WHY, my Faith is rooted in the Hope and Strength of Christ. I guess, even though it doesn't feel that way, my strength comes from this knowledge. My Faith is deeper than all my doubts and stronger than my grief. It is not like I can feel Jesus right next to me saying "you can do it, it's ok". But maybe, because I have that Faith deep down, I know He is there saying that, saying "Erica, I do love you, Erica, I will carry you."

Someone close to HeeJun, texted me the other day saying that they were falling apart, can't go on. I jokingly texted back, "Dude, you need Jesus". But it is so true.

1 comment:

Empie said...

Erica, I am so glad to reconnect with you. I think Dave found you on Facebook and that's how we found your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I cannot even begin to imagine...I just wanted to let you know that we love you.