Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Time to wake up now.

I feel like I have two lives going on right now- two worlds inside one mind. (Therapist said I'm not crazy and that is normal) Last week I was in the woods all week training to be a ropes course facilitator and laughing and having fun with my co-workers. I can put on a smiling face at work, put on my crazy Santa hat and smile. But then driving home, or sitting on the couch, or laying in bed I just lose it. My mind has been rerunning that day over and over lately. I keep going over the doorbell ringing, and the troopers telling me what happened. I keep imagining what HeeJun must have been thinking or feeling. I keep wondering why he shed a tear. These thoughts mostly come at night, or when I'm driving. But then I can switch it off. But sometimes it takes my breath away. I literally gasp. Church is the worst. Will I ever feel that joy again? I can't believe this is happening. I feel like I should be able to wake up soon or pop a bubble and it will all be a dream.

I went to a young widow's grief group last week. What a strange blessing. It was so comforting to sit with these ladies that knew what I was going through. You are glad to meet them, but hate that you had to meet them. It was strange to hear from the ladies who had lost their spouse one or two years ago, and were able to smile and put up Christmas decorations this year. Will I be like that one day? It was comforting to see that when I mentioned in-laws or money situations, they knew where I was coming from. They all said that the first year was a blur. I wonder if they realized in that year that is was going to be a blur. Because I feel like I am feeling every emotion painfully and acutely. I just "happened" (GOD) to sit next to a lady who lost her husband in a motorcycle accident 14 months ago. Almost the same exact story. Strange.

I have been reading old journals at night. Last night I read my old one from college, right before HeeJ and I were engaged. It is so weird to read. How in love I was with Jesus. How much I trusted Him with our relationship. It's funny to read about some of the things HeeJun and I worried about. Those silly things really didn't matter. And I loved HeeJ so much. I was so consumed with marrying him, but I wanted to have my focus on Jesus. Geez. I found one thing ironic. I prayed one night that HeeJ and I would get married, he would have a great job, I would find a job working with kids, and then we would have babies.

This week has really been destroying me. The holidays are pretty much kicking my bootie and leaving me for stink. My thoughts have been rampant with what was going on last year at this time. At this time last year, I was puking my guts out because I was pregnant. We were trying to hide it from his parents until Christmas. We were so excited to give them their magnets and ornaments that said "we are grandparents". I remember taking the pee test just because- i didn't think i was pregnant, i just hoped. When the stick turned colors I ran into HeeJ's office and put the pee test in his face (gross) and said "what is this? what does that say?" I just couldn't believe it. I kinda thought it would never happen, because we had been trying so long. I remember having the potluck at work before Christmas break. that was the first day I puked puked puked. And everyone guessed. ugh. this year it was supposed to be like that again. I was supposed to be pregnant after our trip to Alaska. I would be 4 months now. With Hayden Jonas or Lila Piper. We would be announcing it at Christmas. He would still be here. He would be here helping me buy presents, arguing with me about the cost of presents, excited about putting on the Santa hat, excited about picking out the gag gift for his sister, laughing at me while I tried to put the lights up, getting excited over the stockings, complaining about the food, but eating all of it, loving me. It's not supposed to be like this. Damn.

4 comments:

Emily said...

Oh my friend...my heart aches for you. You are so amazing how you can put your feelings into words...and make your readers hearts break. I love you so much and am so thankful to have you back in my life. I am praying for you my friend...

gurple7 said...

I wish I could give you more than just thoughts from hours away or a virtual hug. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this and that this time of year should be fun and bring good memories and that it's not um much of any of that for you. I'm glad that you found a women's grief group. I'm sure it was nerve-wracking to go and probably to be there a little too, but it sounds like a great group to share and have others share with you. I hope you have a few moments of rest between all of the heightened emotions. A little cheer between all of the gloom. Thinking about you...

Jessie said...

I miss your face. Love you!

amyblackwell said...

Oh Erica, I'm so sorry for you. I'm glad you found a group to go to, I can not imagine your grief but am praying for you..you are in my thoughts alot.