Sunday, December 7, 2008

Bah- Humbug

Today in church we sang Christmas carols. AHHHH! I have been avoiding all things Christmas since Halloween, turning the radio stations, no decorations, no shopping. At work I have to put on the happy face and plan the Holiday crafts and tree lighting, but I really thought I could avoid the Holiday spirit in other aspects of my life. But couldn't run out of church today. And then I heard the wind chimes on the Angel tree ringing (wind chime remind me of HeeJ), and I remembered the times that HeeJun would look at me in church and ask me why I wasn't singing. Back then it was because I have a horrible voice and did not want to subject the people around me to my toneless singing. But HeeJ would say "so" and give me the stink eye. I felt like he was doing that again. "Woman, sing. It's not about you or your circumstances. Sing". Then Pastor J said "God is Love, God is with us and God is for us" in his sermon. He was speaking mainly on that we should remember these things during Christmas time. My mind knows that. My mind knows that God loves me and God is with me. And sometimes I hope that He is holding me and carrying me. But then my heart wants to argue, if You love me, then You sure have a funny way of showing it. Lots of tears in church today. Bah- Humbug.

We...I also have a new neighbor. This has caused a dilemna. Such a simple thing, but now I have to face the questions of "how do I introduce myself, who I am now?" I have been avoiding new situations, stayed at my job, stayed at my church, stayed with friends, all these people know who I was before and they know what I am going through. But how do I define myself now? Will I one day have to change my Facebook profile to widow? What do I do with my wedding ring? What do I do with his clothes? Do I sign my name Mrs.? Do I still make jokes about being Asian? Do I still like watching Motorcycle races? Do I still read John Piper? Who will this new neighbor, or new job, or new friends...who will I be to them? Bah- humbug.

4 comments:

Candi said...

It truly does make you step back and consider how much of you was HeeJun. It took me years before I was able to tell new people that I only had a brother when asked "do you have any siblings?" For the longest time I felt guilty about not acknowledging my sister and would go into the whole story of how she died and of course it would be followed with awkward silence and a look on the persons face of "why did I ask that question?" I'm praying for you as you work through these issues that are so close to your heart and such an integral part of your everyday life:)

Steph said...

Erica, I go to R2C2 with you. I don't know you, but just please know that I am praying for you.

Chelsea said...

last night i attended a memorial service for loved ones/children who have passed in raleigh. (my sister passed in 2001 in a car accident) and a candle was lit in Heejun's memory.

daniela said...

Dear Erica.....how you said what I have in my heart! I have almost the same questions. It terrifies me to think ahead. Before leaving to Romania,I called a plane ticket agency.The guy gave me a great deal but said:"Well, you can talk to your husband and let me know"....that was it,I started crying and telling him:"Sir,I dont have one to talk to anymore,he just passed away".This is still the hardest for me.