Friday, June 12, 2009

Getting scappy and peanut butter

When I write these posts, i am usually at my weakest, my lowest. I have moments when nothing makes sense and God feels like a meanie poo-poo head (as I was called today by a client). But I hold onto the Hope that it will all make sense one day...

"God's part in the storm is a sensitive topic for us right now- it hits too close to home, for many of us are being tosses around by ill winds at this very moment. We fear that if we stopped to consider that God may be the Author of the storm, we might be overcome with anger at God. And yet I imagine arriving in Heaven when my day comes, and hearing my Lord admit that He has used storms quite frequently to drive me to my knees. I'll be capable of handling the knowledge of it then and He'll smile and say, "That one was a real corker, wasn't it? That crisis you went through that particular year? I really had you going! But now you can see that it brought you back into My camp at just the right time. You weren't paying as much attention to Me in those days, remember? You were drifting and where might you have ended up if I hadn't stepped in and done something...?I'm sure you never realized how that whole crisis prepared you for the good things to follow!"- David Jeremiah "When Your World Falls Apart.

umm..not ready to imagine that yet. But I can imagine and demand that Christ be my strength and that He alone is my comfort.

I have started working on HeeJun's "life book". I can only do a page a week or so. I couldn't find my favorite picture of him, the one where he just fell off his bike and broke his wrist. He is standing next to his beat up bike, with his arm dangling, giving the thumbs up sign. I couldn't find the hard copy of it. I searched and searched and finally ordered it to come in the mail from All the pictures, notes, cards, little mementos from our life together are spread across my loft in piles; high school, school dances, college, Jesus, marriage, vacations, Charlotte...The chest in the background was my grandmother's when she was in college, I think. I am using it to put all of the special stuff in. Right now, I have only been able to put my wedding dress in it.

WomanNShadows is making a quilt for my mother- in-law out of HeeJun's clothes. Her birthday was the day before HeeJun's accident. We should have been in Raleigh celebrating, but HeeJ wanted to get one more ride in before it got to hot. It took a long time to go through the closet. She brought what she has completed to our last meeting and, oh, it is amazingly comforting to see. i didn't realize how powerful my emotions would be after seeing it.

Juneau got his first grooming this week. I dropped him off and he started crying this horrible from his gut cry and, of course, I started crying. I almost made the lady give him back to me. She was looking at me with this "why are you crying, crazy lady?" look. I wonder! Maybe it is because my whole world has been turned upside down and I have to go to work and smile and talk to people when my insides are just missing my husband, and my life, and my Companion and sometimes that dog that is crying right now is the only thing keeping me sane. I wonder, lady! Juneau loves his Kong. I can just say "Get your Kong" and he goes crazy. He's the perfect dog for me. Calm in the house, but "special". He is terrified of dogs and loud noises. He panics at the park. It gives me something to work on. Anyone know how to get Cesar Milan to come visit?
New handsome haircut. Yep, I'm beautiful and I know it. Now put some peanut butter in that Kong, woman!


daniela said...

Hi Erica,
I am thinking of you often. Your dog looks cute,I like his new haircut:)
I am glad you are doing the "life book"....I have been thinking about something like this,just didn't have the strength to do it yet. I haven't even finished Isabel's first year scrapbook......
May the Lord be with you this weekend!

Anonymous said...

Things I like:
1) You called the person your "client" instead of "bratty little kid" or something of the sort.
2) Pictures of Juneau and this Kong chitchat.
3) The excerpt by David Jeremiah.
4) You working on the lifebook. It doesn't all have to get done today. Just as everything else in life, it can be a process too.

I love you :)