Tuesday, June 2, 2009

About Jesus

I remember craving the Lord. I remember listening to songs like "He kept me" by Kurt Carr or "Always" by Hillsong and just feeling YAHOO Yippee! I remember wanting to run to Him. Now I hear those songs and struggle. I listen to those songs and some Matt Wertz and some Daphne loves Derby every night before I go to sleep. I was walking Juneau today and "He Kept Me" was on my Ipod. I know I looked like a crazy person with my hands punching and dancing. haha!

Oh, there's an example of my brain going a mile a minute. Off track. So, as I was saying. I remember feeling so joyful in the Lord, but that was before anything bad had ever happened. Even after the miscarriage, I trusted the Lord. I trusted that He would make MY plans happen one day. Key word; My plans. To quote Dumb and Dumber; "Samsonite. I was way off"!

I am so hesitant now to say I will trust Him or to praise Him or to say that He loves me. I know I'm wrong. I know HeeJun is with his Savior and that he is screaming and wanting to shake me with these thoughts I am having. But I wish I knew my Lord better. I wish I understood this love. I felt like I knew Him, but I didn't even have a minuscule grasp on what it means to put your trust and faith in Jesus. Not until something shakes your whole universe, can you truly grasp what it means to trust Him. Not until i questioned if I was truly loved, if I was being punished, if I was being disobedient, not until my plans were destroyed by a tiny tree and a motorcycle, did I truly...oh I don't know. I was going to write "truly begin to trust Christ" or "begin to crave this relationship" but none of that is true. It's the struggle that will bring me closer to Him, though. I know this. Even though He seems so far away, I know it's me that is putting the distance between us.

I struggle with the quote, "By praising God in all circumstances, things will begin to turn in your favor." Huh? So if I praise God all the time, He'll give me what I want? Is that how He works? What about the story of the giraffe mama kicking her new baby when he was down "to teach him how to get up". Someone compared God to that. Is that how He works? I think His ways are so far beyond anything I can understand.

What I do know for sure is that He is the only one who can turn my mourning into dancing.

Some things off the Jesus track;

These past couple nights I have woken up with the feeling that someone else is in the room, not in a creepy ghost like way, but in a "the brain doesn't realize yet" way. I woke up once and thought someone was breathing next to me, and in my weird dream like state (I sleep walk all the time and would be a great sleep study participant) it's hard to shake my brain awake. I was watching Jon and Kate last night and saw a girl on it that I know (Go Rec Therapy!) and I almost turned to the spot where HeeJ watched TV and said "hey, I know her".

My neighbors have been mowing my lawn on a consistent basis and been very anonymous about it. SO kind. Well, stupid Home Owners Association wrote me up for having weeds and grass that was above 2 inches! I think I will write them a strongly worded letter or give them dirty looks.


womanNshadows said...

i know you know i'm struggling with the some of the same thoughts. it's hard to find the reason and i wonder if even He didn't want us to hurt this much. if He didn't intervene in what was to happen because to intervene would be to interfere. i believe He is grieving just as much as we are. i tell myself He is my Father and in that capacity, would cry with me and feel, with overwhelming empathy, my pain. He did lose His Son so He knows grief.

that's what i tell myself when i have my head in my hands and am sobbing for the loss of my husband. sometimes it helps. sometimes not. but you are right in that through this somehow we could/might/will end up closer to Him. i tell myself He understands the journey and appreciates it more than a scar-free slide into Home.

don't know if my rambling has done any good for you. i'm wadding through the fallout myself. i just wanted you to see a comment. a number at the bottom of your blog. to know that someone is thinking of you and wanting your pain, your fears, and your questions to end up bringing you a peace in your heart that you can cling to. i always like to see a number and know someone took the time to read what i wrote and offer kind words (not from trolls or nutcases as you and others call the ones who have been unkind. fortunatey here, no one has been unkind. this site has the feel of compassion.)

Jesus walked on water and reached down to Peter when he was so afraid. maybe He's out there in our storm waiting for us to call to Him, waiting for us to acquiesce, to remember the comfort that only He can give us now, because it to Him that our spouses have gone. it's just a thought to cling to, an image to call to mind.

i wish you peace.

Split-Second Single Father said...

I can't say much other than that I have been there and am there now. It seems strange that at the time we should most readily turn to God, we tend to distance ourselves instead.

After my wife died I found out how truly little I knew (or had been taught) about Heaven. The book In Light of Eternity by Randy Alcorn helped. He uses a lot of quotes from his previous novels, but reading it helped to make Heaven more tangible for me than the distant cloud kingdom I had always heard about at church. I hope it is helpful to you too, if you should decide to read it.

And on a side note: I cut my grass very short and the blades on my mower are set at 2 inches. You might tell your HOA that cutting it any shorter could damage your lawn. (I bet they really wouldn't want to look at that all summer!)

Brittany said...

I am just depleted tonight. Not much to say...
(Sometimes the ache returns with such ferocity.)

But, I wanted you to know that I pray for you regularly, and I consider you a friend.

May you feel our Heavenly Father's arms around you as you drift to sleep tonight, and see His love all around you in the morning.

Hugs. :)

daniela said...

Just wanted to share this with you,just read it myself: