Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Birthday that must not be named

I'll be 30 on Thursday.

I refuse to celebrate. It's just going to be too hard.

HeeJun's last birthday was his 30th.

This is not what my life was supposed to be at 30.

In a few days I will be older than HeeJun ever got to be.

Do you ever feel like just screaming a bunch of obscensities for hours?

I'm also pretty tired of my own voice, so...


womanNshadows said...

so the day will go unmentioned except in our hearts where the pain is deepest and our compassion and sorrow for your loss is genuinely felt. i will be thinking of you all that day and long into the night. i'm almost finished, pushing myself for the next meeting date so that you have it to take home.

i'm sorry. so very sorry for you, for Boo, for me, for us all. we were conscripted into a club we never wanted to be in. but for what it's worth, i understand what you are feeling, in my own way. i hope you can sleep. i hope you can rest. it's better to face these things with a little bit of strength than to face them exhausted.

you are in my prayers. as always, peace.

Brittany said...

My first birthday as a widow was pretty terrible, too. I had many of the same feelings as you do.

Now, I have been able to deal with birthdays by creating new traditions. Every year I have a big dinner party and invite all of my friends. In some ways, I feel like I am celebrating birthdays for the both of us. Him and me.

Happy Birthday, Friend.
You are prayed for and loved... and cake makes everything better. :)

Brittany said...

Thinking about you today.
Happy Birthday. :)