Sunday, May 2, 2010

Could it stay afternoon forever?

Mornings suck. Always have. But without HeeJun, they suck even worse. It takes every fiber of my being to put one foot in front of the other and get out of bed. My soul screams, "no! don't go to work. don't get up!". But I take a deep breath, hug my dogs, and drag myself out of bed.

Afternoons are much better. Work is an incredible distraction. I smile. I laugh. I ENJOY. Sometimes, it gets overwhelming because I think people have forgotten that I am still hurting. I even got a "when are you going to stop playing to widow card" comment. Insert downward spiral into panic attack here. But most afternoons are bearable.

My sister moved in with me. It's so great having someone in the house to watch tv with, and to talk to, and to go hiking with, and play together. i was so lonely. it's been wonderful. We have 4 dogs, a cat and a lizard in the house now. One massive dog fight so far. I am sure more are to come. Juneau is obsessed with the cat, so we called Bark Busters to come help.

I joined a dating website. I know. On Valentines Day this year, I was praying hard about " am i ready". I'm so lonely and just miss companionship and flirting. Oh, sweet flirting. On the flight back from Alabama on V-Day, it was just me and this one guy in the security line. I smiled. He smiled. He was in my waiting area. Came over and started a conversation. He sat next to me on the plane. Asked me to walk him to his next flight. I walked away wanting to give someone a huge HIGH FIVE. I did it! I carried a 2 hour long conversation with a guy! I flirted a bit! I did it! I can do this! If the guy wasn't such a weirdo (he said we were soulmates within 5 minutes and talked about his rocket ship pretty much the whole time) it would have been a great story, right?

So, i took that day as an answer that Yes, I am ready for this. Putting myself out there has brought up so many emotions related to my grief. I was/am so mad that i have to do this. So mad that I am lonely. I mean, I had it. I had the companionship and the love right there. i thought i was done with this. That anger comes out as confidence on dates and talking to guys, so I guess that's a plus. But the loneliness and missing HeeJun is only intensified now.

Nights are the worst. The worst of the worst. I dread going to bed. My mind starts replaying that day, replays the feelings I have now, starts missing him, aches and hurts. I still gasp when I realize this is real. That he isn't coming back. 20 months, and my brain still hasn't wrapped my mind around it. Then I try to push that gasp aside. I don't have the energy to deal with that emotion yet. I don't have the time. I have to get to sleep. Or I have to get to work. Or I have to keep talking to friends. So, I acknowldge the "gasp". Yes, it still hurts like crazy and takes my breath away that he is gone. Acknowledge and keep going until later.

If only it could stay afternoon forever.


Joannah said...

I know what you mean. If it were afternoon all the time, I'd probably be okay. Mornings you wake up and realize once again that you're alone. Nights you go to bed without your honey.

Amanda said...

I've retyped this four or five times already. I don't know how these words will come out or how you'll interpret them but I just want to say that your blog (aka YOU) has changed since those first few blog entries, even entries a few months ago. There seems to be a peace in your posts, a strength, a ... dare I say it... acceptance. You are an incredible lady Erica, it's going to take someone special to fill HeeJun's shoes.

PS. Sorry I'm not very good with words. I mean the above in a very encouraging way.

Mel said...

Congratulations for taking a good step! Each one feels awkward and sometimes reignites the frustration, anger, and lonely parts... but will ultimately lead to their subsiding. You can do it!

amcneely said...

I don't want to overtake all of your blogs with comments about every thing haha talk about annoying! :) But rocket ship?! Okay, that's just hilarious. I am glad that you feel some clarity after that encounter.

Wishing you a solid week of afternoons.