I tried to make it through church today. My parents wanted to visit West Cabarrus. HeeJun and I attended West Cabarrus for three years. In the past two years, we had been attending Rocky River. Just walking into the church where HeeJun and I were baptized and met so many wonderful friends, brought back memories and tears. I started sobbing uncontrollably pretty much immediately. Yep, I was that girl in the back crying. People around probably that I was being convicted by the Holy Spirit. The preacher started preaching and, of course, the sermon was on divorce. SERIOUSLY? I think God might be playing a joke on me, or just not like me very much.
I could not make it through the lessons on what a marriage should look like, so yes, we were those people who got up in the middle of the sermon and left. I am amazed at how fast and uncontrollable tears come. Even at times when I am really not thinking about things, my heart and body are sad. I do find that sometimes I am saying the same story so many times that after the first time of crying over it, it is easier to say. Well, at least I took one step toward going back. I was not crying out of anger, but out of sadness. I miss HeeJun. Church and praising God just remind me of him so much. His love reflects God's love. He reflects God. Seeing others worship and praise God just made my heart hurt more. Will that ever stop?
I paid all our bills the other day. Since I can not get into the account that has all the $$$ in it, I could not pay the credit card in full, which is fine. HeeJ would have been mortified but, who cares right now, right? Well, after checking my bank statement it appears that HeeJun signed up for automatic withdrawal for our credit card a couple of weeks ago. REALLY?! So, the credit card company took out all my money. I have no idea why HeeJun would sign up for automatic withdrawal and am under the impression that someone has made a big mistake. All I know is HeeJun is pacing right now, saying "the 1st time you are in charge of the money and you put us in debt!
I could not make it through the lessons on what a marriage should look like, so yes, we were those people who got up in the middle of the sermon and left. I am amazed at how fast and uncontrollable tears come. Even at times when I am really not thinking about things, my heart and body are sad. I do find that sometimes I am saying the same story so many times that after the first time of crying over it, it is easier to say. Well, at least I took one step toward going back. I was not crying out of anger, but out of sadness. I miss HeeJun. Church and praising God just remind me of him so much. His love reflects God's love. He reflects God. Seeing others worship and praise God just made my heart hurt more. Will that ever stop?
I paid all our bills the other day. Since I can not get into the account that has all the $$$ in it, I could not pay the credit card in full, which is fine. HeeJ would have been mortified but, who cares right now, right? Well, after checking my bank statement it appears that HeeJun signed up for automatic withdrawal for our credit card a couple of weeks ago. REALLY?! So, the credit card company took out all my money. I have no idea why HeeJun would sign up for automatic withdrawal and am under the impression that someone has made a big mistake. All I know is HeeJun is pacing right now, saying "the 1st time you are in charge of the money and you put us in debt!
3 comments:
I saw you at church. I didn't get to say anything, but i did get off a half smile. I understand some of your loss, seeing as i have not lost a mate but a child. If i or we can do anything for you let us know!! If u need your grass cut yard work anything... it was good to see you @ church and on charlotte sportbikes.com i'm on as jj. Know that you are cared for and prayed for daily :) Jason E. Barbee jnlbarbee@gmail.com
Hi!
I am one of Amanda's friends. She told us your story and about the loss of Heejun. I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. I hope you find some comfort in blogging. I really yours all the time. Take care of yourself.
Hi Erica! I am another one of Amanda's friends who introduced me to you and your story. I am so deeply sorry for the loss of Heejun. From what I know of him (from Amanda's posts and from reading your blog) - he sounds like a very special man and is missed by many people. Thinking about you and the loss that you have suffered makes me very sad. Like Jen said, I hope that as time passes, you find comfort in blogging. Take care.
"Perhaps they are not stars, but the souls of our lost loved ones, shining down on us to let us know that they are alright". - anon
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