I logged on today without any idea of what I would write about. There are some nay things going on in my head and heart. Is it a sign of healing that I don't feel the need to blog about all of it? In the beginning, getting those feelings out was one of the bigger sources of comfort. Or maybe it is because there a million things I could write about, but i have no idea how to narrow it all down.

• I finding it harder and harder to feel lately. To fake the smiles and to care. Not in a depressive kind of gloomy way. A good friend (you rock) described it perfectly. My threshold for feelings and pain is way way way up there, so any other news or sad story just doesn't faze me much.


• Again, I set my alarm to make it to church, and yet again, didn't go. I had a dream last night that HeeJun was here, back, in my dream. I knew in my dream what had happened. It made sense in my brain to have him here though. In this dream he was furious at me. He was yelling at me because I was drinking coffee, eating ice cream, not working out, spending money, drinking wine, not cleaning the house, not doing laundry, gaining weight. These are all the things we argued about in our marriage. In my dream, I wanted him gone so I could enjoy all that stuff again. WHAT THE HELL?!?! I woke up crazy. I felt like I had to go back to sleep and find him again so I could apologize and say "no, no no, I don't want you gone. i would rather have you here. Come back. Come back". But I couldn't go back to sleep and couldn't pull myself out of bed to get to church. I also know that it was just a dream. But seriously, he would be furious at what my life has become.

• I want to start a scholarship in HeeJun's honor for Campus Outreach's Christmas Conference. I have this vision to have a big dinner ride and raise money for a college kid to go to the conference. It's where HeeJun accepted Christ. He wanted to be the kind of man that a kid could come to for financial support and he could give it. I have no idea where to start.
• I need to start selling his motorcycle stuff. No idea where to start.
• I might get a second weekend job. YMCA, maybe...I need $. But i love sleeping in and coming home to my dog. Getting Juneau was the smartest thing and best thing I could have done. he is the perfect dog for me.



• I'm really craving a good hamburger. Oh, and a LongHorn shrimp appetizer. And On The Border Chips. it's hard for me to go to places alone, and to justify spending the money. I know I could call a friend to go with me, but what if they're busy? I don't want them to feel pressured or guilty. Man, I would love a burger right now. mmmm...and some good Korean BBQ.


• To the man at the stoplight who thought I was insane: I apologize for scaring you. I had to throw my hands up and start dancing. You would understand if you knew all the things going on in my head. My brain came to a boiling point and I just had to break it down to let it out.

There is a time...

A time to Mourn and a time to dance...and a time to crash.

This weekend I found time to do all three. I find it interesting that God chose to put mourn and dance in the same lump, like laugh and cry. It makes the word mourn a VERB, an action where your whole body feels it, aches.

I have been going through HeeJun's clothes this week to make piles for a quilt that a new friend will be making for me. I have been doing this at night. So to those co-workers that I fussed at or lost my temper with, it wasn't you. To those callers that I seemed distant towards, it wasn't you. i had other stuff on my mind. you didn't know and i'm sorry i snapped at you.

I find that I think the most about "that day" and about HeeJun and about my future, the what shoulda been's and the why's, while I am driving. Especially on the 2 and a half hour drive to family. My mind just races and meanders and slows down and wanders to thoughts of him and "that day". So when I get to my destination, I am zonked and crashing. so many thoughts. just racing through my mind. memories of that day haunt me.

This weekend, I danced. In a circle with my "ladies of '98" just like we used to do. Dancing and belting out the words to song as loud as we could.

HeeJ would have hated this weekend. He hated dancing. He didn't drink. He didn't like getting dressed up and talking to people. he would have complained the whole time, been appalled at what i was eating, not drank, and not danced with me. Man, i wish he had been there.

Idol and Dancing

I had a hard time watching American Idol this season. I didn't watch it at all until last night. No idea who Adam or this Kris guy was. It was just too hard to remember HeeJun laughing at me when I tried to sing or saying, "the worst part of Idol is that afterwards you always sing for hours after". He laughed that he couldn't hear the actual music because I was singing over it. It was hard to know that he would miss this season.

I was able to watch it last night, the finale. I ended up singing with the songs loudly and singing all night, hearing HeeJ laughing and whining that I was tone deaf.

So You Think You Can Dance started tonight. I had no idea how I would react. It was HeeJ's favorite show. One of his motorcycle buddies commented that during one of their track days, HeeJun stole the remote and made them sit and watch SYTYCD. HeeJun was comfortable in his love of watching a good hip-hop routine. We always watched it together, rushed home to watch it, high fived on Thursday nights so excited. I always paused and put the dances in slow motion to try to do the moves. HeeJun would laugh, oh that precious laugh, I miss that laugh. I loved making him laugh. There was one move where I would try try try and could never get- popping my arms at my chest while shaking my bootie. It would put him in hysterics on the ground.

I wasn't sure if I would even be able to watch it this year. Even these seemingly stupid and mundane things are hard, right? But I did watch it. Some tears, some longing for him to be next to me on the couch admiring the poppers and lockers. Mostly smiles at the memories.

DO THIS NOW!

Some time last week, I had to go through one of the many file folders that my parents and I made during those first few months. Files for the health insurance, files for life insurance, files for the funeral, files for the cemetery, files for the mortgage, files for the bills...There was a to-do list attached to every file. I sat there and could not remember doing any of those things. Vaguely remember calling people to tell them to switch my name or change the title. How the heck did I do all that? How the heck did my parents and I figure that out? I wish I had known...

• Write down the passwords to your personal email and accounts. Inform your spouse where that paper is located.
• Note location of Birth Certificate, Social Security Card, Marriage Certificates, Life Insurance Policies, Health Insurance Policies, Bank Documents, Safety Deposit Boxes, List of all banks and account numbers, automobile policies.
• Telephone Numbers of contacts for employer.
• Be informed of all the bills even if you aren't the spouse that pays them.
• Make a Will
• Get Life Insurance
• Hug and kiss every chance you get.
• Say I love you every chance you get.

DO THIS NOW!

I'm Here, I promise

For the past week or two I have had no connection to the Internet or to my land line. I was way too lazy to even think about fixing it, or to even care. Suddenly, today I decided to sit down and figure out what was the problem. I did it! All by myself. Very big deal. This was HeeJun's area. There have been many of these "issues" that I have had to face. Things that I relied on HeeJun to do, but now I have to figure out, things that I used to do for or with HeeJun that I have to do alone now. Some I decide to deal with, some I will put off for another day.

I have had trouble sleeping this whole week. I have tried everything. Milk, a glass of wine, meditative music, running, reading, crying...nothing works. The meditative music puts me to sleep for a while but then I wake up screaming or thinking there is someone in the room. Last night I woke up and could have sworn a homeless man had roamed into my room. In my "sleep brain" I absolutely believed that he had just read the directions wrong for the shelter and had ended up in my room. I calmly told him that he was in the wrong place and directed him to leave. as i was falling back to sleep, i still thought that he was in my house. sleep brain is weird.

Since i have not been sleeping, I have also not been waking up in time for work, or if I do get there in time, I am a zombie. I have the most understanding co-workers in the world.

My brain is running a million miles a minute. Can't focus on anything. ADHD, much? Even writing this post, I have stopped three times to indulge in another distraction or to just blank out. I have had whole conversations with people where I just completely zone out and am thinking about something else and sometimes I'm not even caring about what they are saying. I'm just hearing blah-blah-blah.

I heard someone say "this doesn't ever get easier, it only gets more familiar". i thought about that for a while. there are still moments where I think about "that day" over and over again. but those thoughts do become more familiar. that feeling of not being able to breathe becomes just another part of breathing. the pain in seeing troopers on the road-more familiar. the ache and yearn to scream at motorcycles- yep, i recognize that. the habitual desire to pick up the phone and call HeeJun-embraced that. the longing, the screaming, the anger, the tears, the "why's", the "what shoulda been's", the memories- yep, they get more familiar. I remember the first time I fell on the steps and cried, really sobbed, hysterically. I scared me. I had never cried like that before. Now, I'm a master. It's familiar.

There is a tv show on Soap Net called Being Erica. The girl gets to go back and redo her life in a way. This last episode was about going back to say goodbye to her brother. it made me start thinking about what if i could go back. some people say they would go back and never fall in love with the person they lost (butterfly effect, anyone?), but better to love and lost and all that mumbo jumbo. i know HeeJun knew i loved him, he still knows. but it would have been nice for me to have said one last i love you. i guess i can use my regrets to inspire others to not worry about the stupid things, and to enJOY it all. it would also be nice to go back to that day where HeeJun turned to me and said, "what would you think if i got a motorcycle?" i would not have laughed. but if you watch the movies or listen to the philosophers, something else would have happened. God's plan and all that.

Thoughts for the 9 month mark

May 9th will be the 9 month mark.

9 months makes people automatically think about babies and mommyhood. Isn't it ironic that my 9 month mark is the weekend of mother's day. Someone has quite a sense of humor. yes, yes. i have become quite a cynical old lady. i actually just shooed some kids off my lawn. who am i? i heard an old Sheryl Crow song this week with the lyrics, "stranger in my own life". It made me start thinking about who am i now. i was reading an old note HeeJun wrote me that said all the things he loved about me. some of them aren't even true now. who am i now? maybe one day i will sit down and really contemplate that. one day.

my friend sent me a card for "the wedding anniversary" that said;

Someday we'll be together
When life is the way we want,
you'll be by my side,
kissing me awake in the morning,
holding me close at night,
we'll be able to share the details of our days.
Someday we'll be together
hand in hand
and this time apart
will be nothing but a memory
the time ahead of us
a gift even more beautiful by the wait.
Someday we'll be together for always.

Hallmark didn't make the card to be a "your husband died, and your still here" card, but it was perfect. For me and HeeJ, and for me and my Savior.

When I went to Russia, I gave HeeJun a little Pass It On message card with the verse, " May the Lord watch between you and me when we are absent from one another. Genesis 31:49". He kept it in his wallet clip.

Matt Wertz has a song Lonely Tonight. I was listening to it last night after having a sob fest over watching Grey's Anatomy. (note to self; maybe you shouldn't watch those shows so much anymore. thank goodness for a good laugh from The Office afterwards or I would never get to sleep!) At the end he sings, " I won't be lonely tonight, because my maker's holding me". It's a comforting thought on a lonely night. http://www.mattwertz.com/

I was looking at wedding pictures and flipped to this one. I had a thought that this is what will be greeting me one day in Heaven. Big grin and a "dude, you're gonna love it here".

ps. i wore some nicer outfits to work this week- just because they were free and i was out of laundry and i have gained so much weight that my old jeans don't fit. well, apparently this means i am ready to date! what?!! people are nuts.

Troops and Warriors

I gots me some awesome fwiends and family!

I knew this weekend I needed to be surrounded by people and prayers. You ask for it. You got it.

Is there any other job in the world, where my boss, supervisor, and co-workers would drive 40 minutes out of their way, feeling sick, and with no money, to spend a few hours with me? They are pretty incredible people.

My childhood friend Jax came in town for some retail therapy. We put together my new coffee table all by ourselves!

My R2C2 friend took me out for lunch and good fellowship time. So encouraging. We just met a few months ago. Pretty incredible friend.

My WCC friends took me for some yummy cheesecake and baby holding time. I sat back and watched my friends with their babies, and was amazed at how far we have come. All of us met maybe 5 years ago. We are all at different churches now, in different small groups.

For some reason (God), we have all stayed in touch. And they have been there for me. I am especially bonded to one of the babies, who was the baby who just laid on me on "that day" and helped calm me down. I have the best picture of me holding him and pretending to feed him imaginary food at the Cheesecake Factory. He was laughing so hard and it just melted my heart.

It's comforting to know that no matter how long it has been since we have last spoken ( years, only known each other a few months, or just spoke at work) I have friends who are here for me.

All weekend long i received texts and emails from friends, family, and strangers saying they are praying for me. Incredibly comforting.

I think, I know, that these friendships and prayers are the reason I didn't completely lose it this weekend. I was actually ok. I took the day off today to just compose myself and reflect, go though pictures, read old journals, pray. God knew what He was doing and He knew that these friends would be there for each other and for me one day.

My sister-in-love sent me this t-shirt. perfect.

ps. to add to the previous post 6 years ago today- I was blonde.

6 Years Ago Today

6 years ago today.

I was laughing at myself in the traditional Korean wedding dress.

I was worried that my dress didn't fit.

I couldn't wait for those doors to open. I wanted to run down the aisle. HeeJun was smiling so big!

I was nervous about kissing HeeJun for the first time in a months, (for some stupid reason , waiting was a big deal then...ah, young love.) I just stood there waiting for him to kiss me.

I listened the the preacher read my email to him saying, "we want this wedding to be a reflection of Christ's love. We want the Gospel to be heard and the focus to be on Christ, not on ourselves".

I wished we had danced more. Or started breaking it down to Vanilla Ice or Naughty By Nature!

i loved our wedding. i loved planning the whole thing. HeeJ didn't want me to "lose my focus on Christ (blah, blah blah) and didn't want me to become all consumed with the wedding. Too late. I cried on the way to our honeymoon because it was over. i felt like i didn' t have enough time to enjoy every one. I wish someone had jumped in the pool.

But then I saw Bora Bora, and stopped missing the wedding. Here comes the HONEYMOON!!

We didn't even have 6 years to be married. i heard someone at work the other day say they were celebrating their ten year anniversary this weekend. i thought, "i can't wait to celebrate our 10 year, maybe we'll go back to Bora Bora"...then I remembered.

6 years ago today. i had no idea. everything was so hopeful and fresh and exciting.

Oh, this is what depression feels like...

I know. That post title sounds so sad and heartbreaking. But it fits. I don't know if it is still the exhaustion from the trip or that this weekend would have been WOULD HAVE BEEN our wedding anniversary. I have felt weighted down, like walking in jello. The tears have been "right there" all week. My kids at work said "mrs. erica, you look like you just woke up". I just didn't feel like doing anything, getting out of bed, talking to people, even walking the poor dog. I zone out almost immediately in meetings and just don't really care what people are saying to me. I have difficulty staying focused and decided I shouldn't be driving this weekend since my focus is not what it should be. I haven't even cared about watching tv or reading my gossip magazines! I was telling a friend about how I was feeling and he said "erica, that's what depression feels like..."



Oh.



Well, that's what I am supposed to feel like. If I didn't, then there would be a problem. I am very wary of medications, so don't suggest meds. and I am still doing ok. even though i was feeling like this, i still did my gardening at work, i still took juneau for walks, i still got out of bed. I have called in the "troops and warriors" for this weekend. I know I could not face this weekend alone.

I went out for drinks (shocking, I know) and air hockey last night with my amazing co-workers. Seriously, some of them came from 45 minutes away, feeling sick, with no money, just to support me. My dear friend Jax is coming today to go shopping with me. Wonderful church friends are going out to eat Cheeesecake tomorrow with me. I'm actually excited.

So, this is what depression feels like. but it is also, what hope and comfort feels like, too.