Friday, May 8, 2009

Thoughts for the 9 month mark

May 9th will be the 9 month mark.

9 months makes people automatically think about babies and mommyhood. Isn't it ironic that my 9 month mark is the weekend of mother's day. Someone has quite a sense of humor. yes, yes. i have become quite a cynical old lady. i actually just shooed some kids off my lawn. who am i? i heard an old Sheryl Crow song this week with the lyrics, "stranger in my own life". It made me start thinking about who am i now. i was reading an old note HeeJun wrote me that said all the things he loved about me. some of them aren't even true now. who am i now? maybe one day i will sit down and really contemplate that. one day.

my friend sent me a card for "the wedding anniversary" that said;

Someday we'll be together
When life is the way we want,
you'll be by my side,
kissing me awake in the morning,
holding me close at night,
we'll be able to share the details of our days.
Someday we'll be together
hand in hand
and this time apart
will be nothing but a memory
the time ahead of us
a gift even more beautiful by the wait.
Someday we'll be together for always.

Hallmark didn't make the card to be a "your husband died, and your still here" card, but it was perfect. For me and HeeJ, and for me and my Savior.

When I went to Russia, I gave HeeJun a little Pass It On message card with the verse, " May the Lord watch between you and me when we are absent from one another. Genesis 31:49". He kept it in his wallet clip.

Matt Wertz has a song Lonely Tonight. I was listening to it last night after having a sob fest over watching Grey's Anatomy. (note to self; maybe you shouldn't watch those shows so much anymore. thank goodness for a good laugh from The Office afterwards or I would never get to sleep!) At the end he sings, " I won't be lonely tonight, because my maker's holding me". It's a comforting thought on a lonely night.

I was looking at wedding pictures and flipped to this one. I had a thought that this is what will be greeting me one day in Heaven. Big grin and a "dude, you're gonna love it here".

ps. i wore some nicer outfits to work this week- just because they were free and i was out of laundry and i have gained so much weight that my old jeans don't fit. well, apparently this means i am ready to date! what?!! people are nuts.


~Amy E. said...

i loved this entry. i'd like to think that God might've made The Office extra funny this week just to make you laugh.

and about the list of what Heejun loved about you... i'm pretty certain that after all of this he's added a ton of extra reasons to the list. i've thought so many times how proud of you he must be. in this biggest trial you've ever faced you continue to laugh, inspire, love, praise, and seek the One who created the love you guys shared in the first place... even in your sorrow... even when you feel cynical. i can't wait for you to hear the extra reasons one day.

love you girl.

Brittany said...

I can relate to every word tonight.

I have been so weepy the past couple of days (Grey's did NOT help!); I am sitting here crying with you this evening.

I remember my 9th month with perfect clarity, and I felt all of the things you are going through now.
It will get better.
The pain and longing won't go away, but the sting is not quite so painful.

You will redefine yourself in time. There is no hurry, and God already knows the woman that you will become. (Isn't that great?! It sure took some of the pressure off of me!)


womanNshadows said...

everything Heejun loves about you is still true. i think we just can't see it anymore because we can't see ourselves in their eyes. but it is all still true, what he loves about you. one day you will see it, too. (i didn't purposely try to make that rhyme.)

Amanda said...

I'm glad to see you got the card. I hope what I was trying to say made sense.