Sunday, May 31, 2009

I logged on today without any idea of what I would write about. There are some nay things going on in my head and heart. Is it a sign of healing that I don't feel the need to blog about all of it? In the beginning, getting those feelings out was one of the bigger sources of comfort. Or maybe it is because there a million things I could write about, but i have no idea how to narrow it all down.

  • I finding it harder and harder to feel lately. To fake the smiles and to care. Not in a depressive kind of gloomy way. A good friend (you rock) described it perfectly. My threshold for feelings and pain is way way way up there, so any other news or sad story just doesn't faze me much.

  • Again, I set my alarm to make it to church, and yet again, didn't go. I had a dream last night that HeeJun was here, back, in my dream. I knew in my dream what had happened. It made sense in my brain to have him here though. In this dream he was furious at me. He was yelling at me because I was drinking coffee, eating ice cream, not working out, spending money, drinking wine, not cleaning the house, not doing laundry, gaining weight. These are all the things we argued about in our marriage. In my dream, I wanted him gone so I could enjoy all that stuff again. WHAT THE HELL?!?! I woke up crazy. I felt like I had to go back to sleep and find him again so I could apologize and say "no, no no, I don't want you gone. i would rather have you here. Come back. Come back". But I couldn't go back to sleep and couldn't pull myself out of bed to get to church. I also know that it was just a dream. But seriously, he would be furious at what my life has become.
  • I want to start a scholarship in HeeJun's honor for Campus Outreach's Christmas Conference. I have this vision to have a big dinner ride and raise money for a college kid to go to the conference. It's where HeeJun accepted Christ. He wanted to be the kind of man that a kid could come to for financial support and he could give it. I have no idea where to start.
  • I need to start selling his motorcycle stuff. No idea where to start.
  • I might get a second weekend job. YMCA, maybe...I need $. But i love sleeping in and coming home to my dog. Getting Juneau was the smartest thing and best thing I could have done. he is the perfect dog for me.

  • I'm really craving a good hamburger. Oh, and a LongHorn shrimp appetizer. And On The Border Chips. it's hard for me to go to places alone, and to justify spending the money. I know I could call a friend to go with me, but what if they're busy? I don't want them to feel pressured or guilty. Man, I would love a burger right now. mmmm...and some good Korean BBQ.

  • To the man at the stoplight who thought I was insane: I apologize for scaring you. I had to throw my hands up and start dancing. You would understand if you knew all the things going on in my head. My brain came to a boiling point and I just had to break it down to let it out.


Amanda said...

Hey- I'm taking the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge this weekend. We check in Saturday. I was thinking about driving up w/ the kids Friday night if you felt like company. Matt is working all weekend, so it's just the three of us. If you aren't up for it I completely understand...or we could just have dinner if you want and stay w/ J&B - I know how exhausting having company can be sometimes.

Heather Repass-Kerr said...

I found a MUCH cheaper way to enjoy those oh so yummy Starbucks Mocha Fraps in the bottle. You make an 8-10 cup pot of strong coffee (about 1/2 cup of coffee grounds) and then mix in 1 can of sweetened condensed milk while the coffee is still hot. Pour it into a pitcher and keep in refrigerator. Serve over ice. Lasts me all week! So gooood!

Brittany said...

Get your butt to Houston, and I'll take you to Fudrucker's for an awesome burger! :)

Seriously though, you are going through so much of what I went through. And, sometimes, still deal with. (Ahem... weight gain!)
Dreams can be so unsettling. I'm praying for you tonight. May you sleep peacefully and have clarity and joy in the morning.

Big hugs!

womanNshadows said...

i feel the same way about not calling anyone when i fall apart. what if they are busy. what if they don't remember me from the group. i "what if" my life away.

i know i didn't know the you before. i know i am older. but we both hurt and i am always here. with the rare exception of errands, i am always here to talk to, to listen to you. like a bartender whose seen you before but doesn't know you well. a good listener who knows when not to speak. i would never turn you away.

Jessie said...

I think the scholarship is a wonderful idea. What tribute to Hee Jun to have a student go to the conference and have the same life changing experience he did. Talk about paying it forward!