Saturday, May 2, 2009

Oh, this is what depression feels like...

I know. That post title sounds so sad and heartbreaking. But it fits. I don't know if it is still the exhaustion from the trip or that this weekend would have been WOULD HAVE BEEN our wedding anniversary. I have felt weighted down, like walking in jello. The tears have been "right there" all week. My kids at work said "mrs. erica, you look like you just woke up". I just didn't feel like doing anything, getting out of bed, talking to people, even walking the poor dog. I zone out almost immediately in meetings and just don't really care what people are saying to me. I have difficulty staying focused and decided I shouldn't be driving this weekend since my focus is not what it should be. I haven't even cared about watching tv or reading my gossip magazines! I was telling a friend about how I was feeling and he said "erica, that's what depression feels like..."



Oh.



Well, that's what I am supposed to feel like. If I didn't, then there would be a problem. I am very wary of medications, so don't suggest meds. and I am still doing ok. even though i was feeling like this, i still did my gardening at work, i still took juneau for walks, i still got out of bed. I have called in the "troops and warriors" for this weekend. I know I could not face this weekend alone.

I went out for drinks (shocking, I know) and air hockey last night with my amazing co-workers. Seriously, some of them came from 45 minutes away, feeling sick, with no money, just to support me. My dear friend Jax is coming today to go shopping with me. Wonderful church friends are going out to eat Cheeesecake tomorrow with me. I'm actually excited.

So, this is what depression feels like. but it is also, what hope and comfort feels like, too.

6 comments:

Casey said...

Thinking of you this weekend, as often, and sending you love and hugs.
-Casey W.

Tara Ansley Niebaum said...

Prayers, Friend...

daniela said...

I had you in my mind this week,I have been praying for you,Erica.I wish you a good day tomorrow,one that will remind you what a wonderful husband God gave you!I know August is not far and then I will be in your shoes.
Love,
Daniela

Brittany said...

Ugh!
Sweet Friend, I wish I had great, encouraging words for you. But, it just sucks. Every wedding anniversary. Every birthday. Every anniversary of his death. (Along with all of the miscellaneous goals that will not be reached with your husband.)

I was only given 1 wedding anniversary with my late husband, and I will be spending my 5th alone. Again.

I know how hard these landmark days are, and how badly they hurt.
I am praying for you... fervently.

womanNshadows said...

i am thinking of you as i do all the women in the group. in my own way, i share the depression you feel. i am so glad to see and to know that you have such love and support surrounding you. i hope to see you on "that" thursday night.

thank you for telling me about this blog. writing is a way to grope through the loneliness and pain.

take care.

D. Poppen said...

Depression, grief, whatever...very fair to feel that way around these special dates. Just be conscious if it continues for longer spurts. I agree that meds should be last resort. Try try try try to go for an extended walk whenever you can. It will help tremendously fend off those bouts of jello.