Sunday, October 4, 2009

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey’s end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."-Unknown

There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. ~Washington Irving

Some great quotes I found on Widow's Voice.

I'm sad now. Maybe it's because I had an exhausting weekend- my wonderful sister drove 8 hours to come visit for our birthdays. Her birthday is the day after mine. I always thought that was so cool. Still do. Maybe it's because I just woke up from a nap to an empty and quiet house after 5 days of LIFE in my house. Maybe it's because I'm freaking 30 and have been avoiding it for weeks.

The kids at work sang happy birthday to me. I smiled and laughed. They don't get it. Most adults don't even get why i scoffed or rolled my eyes when they said "happy birthday".

I went out with my awesome co-workers and sister for dinner. I smiled and laughed and actually had fun. But I made sure not to remember that it was my birthday.

Having Brittany here and her 2 dogs and my parents and their dog was a great distraction. Lots of laughter.

But right now, at this moment, I'm freaking 30 and I hate it. I hate being this age without HeeJun. I hate that in 22 days I will be older than he got to be. I hate that this is my life at 30. I thought it would be so different. this was not the plan. I hate that now I almost feel like Rachel in Friends (HeeJun's favorite show) when she turns 30 and realizes she is getting old and wants a baby. Oh, I know lots of people have babies after 30. But I want HeeJun's baby. I want HeeJun back.

Sometimes I can go a couple hours living life and then I remember he is gone. Remember isn't the right word. Realize he is really gone. that this is real. That feeling compares to having fingernails on a blackboard, or a knife just poking at your skin,...I tense up and my insides feel like they're shattering. On the outside though, I keep living. No one knows. Some people don't even realize I am still hurting. "Man, she's doing great."

I have learned to expect these moments and take a deep breath in. I know that having these bone shattering moments in my mind are the reason the rest of my body is all out of whack too. It's all connected, right?

I feel old. I think I'll go outside and yell at the kids running across my grass.


Brittany said...

I'm so glad that you were able to enjoy some fun times with your family.
I hate that you are sad and hurting. I hate that I know what that feels like.

May God ease the stabbing, searing pain that you are feeling. SOON.

Love ya, Friend.

P.S. Love the pic with the pack of dogs! :)

Steven and Candi Manning said...

I hate that feeling - that flood of emotions when you remember that your loved one is gone, truly GONE. It hit me as I read your blog. It's been 6 years and I still tell myself how old she would be and feel guilty that I've lived so much life that she didn't get to. Thank you for being real. I love you.