Tuesday, October 20, 2009

a widow's 10 on Tuesday

1. It's Tuesday, right?

2. I'm at a conference at the beach for work. I had a little meltdown the first night being alone. I realized it's the first time I've been alone without dogs or people since the accident. I realized it's the first time I ever checked into a hotel on my own. I could almost hear the soundtrack, "all by myself" playing as I ate my spaghetti and drank my wine in the hotel retaurant.

3. I have become dumber. I have noticed that I can't find words often and just go blank. I also stutter or slur words a lot now. It's all related to the grief, I know. But I'm dumb. I have a hard time even reading a simple book, let alone answer these test questions for this conference.

4 I think I might need to go to a pastoral counselor. I have some many issues now with God. It's impossible for me to say God is good. I scoff when I hear people say it or think they have no idea. I KNOW that's not true. But it's what my heart thinks. Counseling, much?

5. I would really like to get my garden going or finish painting or clean my house or finish scrapbooking, but I just can't find the energy. Anyone know a good gardener?

6. I swam with about 20 dolphins today. For real. They were leaping and playing about 15 feet from me. HeeJun would have thought it was so cool.

7. My dogs are the most wonderful and precious pups ever. I was thinking the other day that a few things have come into my life directly because of HeeJun's death; the dogs are one. Two very incredible friendships came back after the accident. J and S call weekly and our friendship has strengthened since. They knew I needed them and I am so grateful for them. And my sister. We talk just about daily now and again, our relationship has strengthened. I don't say this as a "look at the good that came out of HeeJ's death" or as a "I would rather have HeeJ". It was just a realization. It would have been the best to have HeeJ, the pups, my sister and my friends all at the same time.

8. I love Vampire Diaries and Glee! The thought that it will be on, keeps me going all day. I know, they are sooo sinful, but oh, so good!

9.My back is freaking killing me. The shots only made it worse. I finally gave in and went to a wonderful chiropractor. He actually got me into a massage. Best massage ever. It really helped. Perhaps, there is hope.

10. I am addicted to facebook. But it annoys the crap out of me. I can't stand when people complain about stupid stuff and I want to gag at the happy stuff. Lucky bastards is what I want to say. But then again, I still check it every day. Glutton for punishment.

A widow's 10 just isn't as fun, is it?


womanNshadows said...

1. yes, it's Tuesday. "Dirty Jobs" night.

2. i think of meltdowns as exercise.

3. in no way are you dumb. you just have "something on your mind."

4. there's a book called "When God is Silent." i thought, "great." all it did was analyze the Book of Job. if the counselor has an answer, please share.

5. if i had a car, i'd work in your garden. i miss a yard.

6. "it's good luck when dolphins come around a person." i really hope that's true.

7. i'm glad you have your dogs, friends, and your sister. i wish only the best for you.

8. small guilty pleasures. enjoy.

9. i'm sorry your back hurts. i'm glad you got a massage. i miss those. my husband gave me great massages.

10. i check facebook once or twice everyday. i also check his facebook page. funny how when i posted on his page that he had died so many old friends started asking to be his "friend." i've gotten some great old stories out of it, and also the photos of him in college. as for my page, i'm about to give up. i log on pretty much now to see my son.

i am glad you got to swim with the dolphins. that had to be such an amazing time.

Brittany said...

WomanNshadows and I have the same idea! Here goes:

1. I think it is Tuesday. My Wednesday shows are not on tonight.

2. At least you had the wine! :)
I still hate eating alone.

3. The "dumb" will dissipate. Although, I am known to lose my words (3 years later).

4. YES! Pastoral counseling did wonders for me. As did a Christian group called GriefShare. Look it up in your area. Good stuff.

5. Nope.

6. Too cool! I'm TOTALLY jealous!!!!! Even though I don't know how to swim.

7. Fur-babies are awesome therapy. I have met some of my bestfriends since I became a widow.

8. I'm addicted to Glee and SYTYCD! Thank God for Tivo... another blessing since becoming a widow. ;)

9. Dang! I have not had a massage since H passed.

10. I'm SO NOT into Facebook. I don't have one. I figure that if I don't talk to you now, I probably don't want to reconnect. My friends can call me instead. I also don't tweet.

11. I ♥ you, Erica!

Brittany said...

Oh, yeah... I almost forgot to answer your question:

Yes, most of my friends are mommies. There are babies everywhere!!!!
It is really bittersweet.

I think my ovaries are dusty.

Amy E. said...

i don't know if #10 was meant to be funny but it made me laugh a lot. Not that it's funny you feel that way... i just love how you aren't afraid to say what you think and that you never feel the need to sugarcoat the truth.

i hope you start seeing glimpses of God's goodness again... i'm sure it'll take time but i have no doubt that you'll get there. and i'd still seriously love to come help you paint or clean one weekend. we could make a party out of it and invite some Crusade groupies or something. let me know!